My Issues are showing

Time for a new look

2009-07-17T11:20:00.004-04:00

Who says MAKEOVER!!
After 4 years of blogging (and several months of slacking off from blogging) it's time to reawaken my blogger's spirit. Me want custom template!
I'm taking suggestions so please leave your recommendations in the comments.

Let's not make any more promises -

2009-07-15T11:18:00.004-04:00

But we can make commitments. Want to see me lose 100lbs in 365 days? Think I can do it or do you think I'll fall on my ass? Only one way to find out. Follow me at my new blog Reduced to Ashes and give your two cents.

Ad Fridays part 1: Coca Cola Superbowl

2009-02-06T15:32:00.003-04:00

See! I'm keeping my non-promise.

Where do we go from here? Updates and Opinions.

2009-01-29T12:26:00.009-04:00

A New Year.

So it's 2009... THANK GOODNESS, 2008 was a little much. This may seem weird or fortunate (depending on your preference for half full/half empty glasses) but I've never had to deal with death before. Not a family member, friend or even a pet. Suddenly, a friend, relatives of friends and 4 of my dogs die. Practically one after the other. That was a bitch.
I also had my fair share of brushes with crime. I've had a laptop, 2 phones and a puppy stolen. WTF!
All in all, I'm glad 2008 is over and done with. I have much to make up for in 2009. Fate OWES me.

A New Job
I am now officially a copy writer at a local ad agency. Yay me! So, from now on, I will be posting ads (not my own - just the random advertisements I like) every week. Maybe on Fridays. Not making any committment yet.

A New Outlook on Life.
This is the first time since I haven't made a New Year's resolution. And I did that on purpose. Partly because one gets tired of feeling guilty when unable to keep them and partly because I wanted to surprise myself. So I suppose, in some twisted way, I did make a resolution: Surprise me. Probably the most interesting one to date. Hey, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Not to mention a new President in the U.S.

As much as I hate to jump onto this Obandwagon, you can't help but be excited about things to come. What exactly does having a such a (seemingly) eloquent, compassionate, driven and charismatic leader in the White House do for the rest of the world, not to mention America itself?

Besides having shook things up quite a bit, you have to hand it to the newly inaugurated Pres for giving America quite the face-lift. It's almost like (and this has nothing to do with 'Bama being black) he pimped a whole nation. Technically, nothing has REALLY changed yet on the inside, but on the outside it's a completely new kettle of fish.

I both admire and pity him because of the weight he now has on his shoulders. High expectations of millions (even billions) of citizens and non-citizens. The sad part is... he will NEVER live up to them.Pardon my pessimism, but starting out on such a high note only makes it easier for him to disappoint many people. But I'm glad that he has been able to give a nation, and quite likely, a planet, hope for the future. That change is coming and is inevitable. The question remains to be answered though, if we are all ready. Even though he won't be able to achieve all that he has set out to achieve, I do look forward to seeing what he will.

On that note, thanks for listening. Talk to you soon.

Sol :)

bump

2009-01-07T17:58:00.002-04:00

Guess who's back.

My, my... I have missed you. We have so much to talk about.

See you soon.

So some dipshit

2007-03-24T09:21:00.001-04:00

Hacked into my account and I didn't have access to my blogs for a while. But thanks to GOOGLE and their awesome customer service I was able to get my babies back! YAY! Snaps for Google.
I started a new blog in the process as well and I have many plans for it but it is under construction right now so I'll reveal the link in about 2 weeks.
TTYL.

MySpace is the devil

2007-02-07T06:00:00.001-04:00

As is Hi5, Facebook and all other social networking sites that there are out there. I hardly ever use them but I always seem to be "found" by:

A date I've ditched some time in the past wanting to know what happened;
A unusual ex boyfriend who leaves cryptic messages as a profile comment;
Some lecherous old man wanting to do dirty things to me.

Needless to say, messages from them vary from the mildly entertaining to the simply disturbing.

I honestly do think that MySpace is an unrelenting black hole of procrastination as, curiously, when in log in (however rare that is - *cougheveryotherdaycough*) I never seem to be able to log out for at least an hour to an hour an a half. Now why do you think that is?
The last time I logged in I swear I saw Tom grow horns.

I SWEAR!

A Review of Sorts

2007-02-06T08:07:00.002-04:00

I'm not a cinematic expert of any kind, I don't even qualify as a movie buff. I'm just a person that enjoys the cinematic experience, to sit down and take in a good flick. So here goes nothing.

Solace Reviews: The Pursuit of Happyness.

I'm not entirely certain that this was an apt name for this movie. Yes, our hero (or anti-hero) Chris Gardener (Will Smith) does relentlessly pursue a better life by fighting tooth and nail for a new career but is that really happiness?
I give it 3.5 out of 5.

The Plot in Summary:

Chris is a struggling salesman who is looking for something better. He has a wife and 5 year old child Christopher (Will Smith's actual son, so there was no stretch there). One day he passes by a brokerage firm and sees happy looking people all what we assume to be brokers and he decides he wants their happiness.

His marriage has failed and his wife has left him and Chris insists that he keeps his son, his wife obliges. Chris has very little funds but big ambition and is able to enroll in a salary-free internship at a large brokerage where the success rate is one in 20 every 6 months.

He makes a decision to pursue a dream (some may say at the expense of his son) as the 2 member family goes through numerous seemingly insurmountable trials and tribulations to make the situation work.

My Opinion:

The movie was beautiful for what is was. Will Smith's acting was good but as I said I am not an expert on such things. In my general opinion, enjoyment of the movie depends on your own perception of happiness as it can be construed in 2 ways.

1) Either Chris is a champion of a man, father and intern. A victorious underdog in a cruel world who moved mountains to get where he is for the betterment of his son's life and by extension his own.

OR

2) He is a conceited, self-serving monster of a man who puts his own whims and fancies over the well-being of his son.

I think it's a bit of both.

Chris did indeed move mountains and you really respect him after all he did to make things work. You cried when he cried, you hurt when he hurt and you were happy for the fleeting moments he was. But there were little moments when you wanted to hate him. There were parts of his life that you wish you could shield his son from, like the incessant running. I do not think he was a self-serving monster of a man, however, there is a time in your life, regardless of the responsibility of children, you do need to do some things for you... if only to maintain your own sanity (however threadbare it may be).

All in all, a feel good movie with some soul. Not the best but not the worst either. It all depends on your Perception of Happyness.

Shy Sensei

2007-01-30T20:39:00.000-04:00

So my Japanese professor is a trip. So cute, seriously and no not in a lustful, girl crush kind of way. She's cute like a kid is cute. You seriously want to pinch her cheeks, when you can understand what she's saying.

I suppose Japanese women on a whole are shy and she definitely epitomizes that for me as when ever she laughs or makes a joke she covers her mouth. It's completely adorable.
And no, her teeth are fine.

This is my third week of class and I must say it's very intriguing, trying to understand a language and the culture behind it all. I'd love to go there some day. All in good time.

So I've been busy

2007-01-30T08:47:00.000-04:00

... but not so busy that I couldn't update. We'll just blame that on laziness and lack of motivation. But I've been up to quite a bit since you've read me last.

I'm married for one....

*PSYCH*

God, that never gets old.

But, no Mr. S and I will have been together for almost 3 years and though we have our ups and downs, neither of us will be going anywhere very soon.

I am still doing Marketing, started Japanese Classes and will start A+ Classes soon. Yes I am becoming a veritable techie rather than junkie but it's a start

I also am trying to teach myself web design so expect to see some changes around here later one

Also, I am becoming a bit tired of talking about myself (yes, narcissism can only get us so far) so, I'm planning on doing some reviews soon but no promises there. You know how fickle I can be.

And that's about it for now. Until later, gator.

Trini Artists come out of their shells.

2006-12-06T09:27:00.000-04:00

ScribbleFactory

Some Trinidadian artists on display.

Be sure to check out the viewer art section as well.

Ask Solace: Taking my own advice.

2006-12-03T00:37:00.001-04:00

I'm an encourager, a pusher, an advocate of ambition and all that is good in others. I am always willing to help, I am always willing to go that extra mile (for others) and am always willing to sacrifice my own happiness for the happiness of random people.

So why can't I do all these things for myself?

Some days I feel like a chronic fuck up, other days I feel as though I own the world. I am a self starter but I am a great procrastinator.
I have ideas that can move nations but I fail to put word into action. Why?

Why can't I teach myself the things I teach others? About life, love, success and all its secrets. Why can't I serve the cake and save a piece for myself?

Dammit!

Still Alive

2006-11-29T03:09:00.000-04:00

Haven't had too much to blog about recently... and I still don't so this is pretty much a mini update.

I am going to school again, still doing marketing.
Mr. S and I are still together, doing wonderfully though we argue a lot now. But still good.
That's about it.
That's life.
C'est la vie, full of ennui. (Ha it rhymes! Take that Poet Laureate!)

Looking for some hobbies... suggestions?

I fed up

2006-11-02T17:53:00.000-04:00

Yet another child raped and murdered.
Yet another do-gooder killed.
Yet another smelter being opened.
Yet another disgruntled Trini staying silent.
Ah forking fed up.

But what should I do?

What would Manning say flying around in his swanky new private jet? Let them eat cake?

Chupz!

I re-invent myself more than Madonna does

2006-10-23T18:00:00.000-04:00

So, I left my job, again, to finally settle down and finish my studies. It's kind of bittersweet because it was a great job and I hope to go back someday, but it was fucking with my education and homey don't play that.

So I start new classes next Monday, I have new books and I am otherwise elated. I'm really good at starting things.. I'll give myself that, it's the finishing that is the pain in the rectum.

I spent all day studying today that felt really good. Like I'm going somewhere. I just hope I can keep it up for the entire duration of the classes because, unfortuantely with me, I miss one class and I am gone forever. I completely lose interest. Strange but true. Somedays I feel as though I have no willpower left.

Another new beginning may be starting soon. I am planning to do the A+ Certification soon. Classes start either in November. I'm not doing it with work in mind (though I know it certainly helps to have it as your salary is bumped up quite a bit) but for my own personal curiousity. I hate having to depend on people to fix my problems for me (technological or otherwise) so it will be a good skill to have under my belt.

Also I have to go restart driving classes. The pedestrian scene is not the flick and I am applying to UWI for the January semester.

All in all, I hope to be out of the house for a loooong time.

Spank me

2006-09-12T11:33:00.000-04:00

I'm a bad blogger. So very erratic, but you love me anyway.

*fondles blog fondly*

So, what's been up? Nothing, actually. I've been working... and scratching and being very, very lazy and I like it. Contemplating a lot of things and just being introspective. I've spent a lot of my time observing the everyday happenings of Trinidad and Tobago... including the political aspects of my country (which I will not comment on for a while until I observe a bit more).

One thing I have noticed is the penchant that us Trinis have for "Ole Talk". Ole talk is basically good natured gossip (most times) and is prevalent among both sexes. It takes place anywhere more than one Trinidadian is and is beloved by all (even though many deny it).

I've learned many things while tuning into ole talk among older people, little pieces of wisdom that will stay with me for years to come, proving that it isn't just for entertainment. In fact, lasting friendships and bitter enemies have been made because of this tradition. It is both a cure for boredom and a source of information. From the corrupt politician who uses it to spin a web of falsehoods to the beggar who often has conversations with himself. Even I find myself engaging in it daily, even on this blog.

It's amazing the topics that can spark lively and lengthy discussions as well. From politics to doubles. From women to clothes, the subject matter never seems to run thin. I remember as a child watching the older one talk, listening intenly as laughter erupted,evoked by some "rude" or suggestive comment and me, lauging as though I knew what was funny. Of, course this would end in me being chastised and told to stay out of the affairs of "big" people (that piece of advice has stuck with me over the years and I still feel strange interrupting conversations when my elders are present).

School days were the best by far though. Debates over the superiority of girls over boys were the discussions that caused the most controversy and often ended bothe sides soaked to the skin from a water fight *reminisce* The battle of the sexes still rages on to this day.

Ah, the joys of being a Trini.

Between a rock and a hard place

2006-09-08T16:06:00.000-04:00

I have a big decision to make.

I have to leave my job to go back to school. What's the problem? Well, it is probably one of the best jobs I have ever had. Regardless of how much I complain about the late hours and the constant back on forth, I like the excitement and I get a rush when I see an Ad I have done in print, heard it on the radio or see it on television. I am definitely advancing in the field and can see myself being here long term doing something I like to do: Writing, Conceptualizing and Strategizing. Mind you, there are days when I would pull my hair out and I too get the Monday blues but I think its worth it. I love the challenge it offers everyday. And I am learning so much.

On the other hand, I need to go back to school. I promised myself I'd finish my degree and learn at least 3 languages by the time I was 25 and I only have 4 years left. My education is so important to me but I am so easily distracted that it's hard to stay focused. I've tried working and going to school part time but it is too much for me at this point in my life. Unfortunately, I don't yet know how to be that driven and I often just get demotivated and quit. I want to do so many things that I can't yet decide on one so I think I need to do them all just to satisfy my thirst for knowledge and the only way to do that is to leave. I need that time to figure myself out.

*sigh*

Beware. A rant is coming.

2006-09-05T09:35:00.001-04:00

Greendot, my ISP, is the forking WORST! I have been trying to upload a live performance of Skid'Nevely forever... well for at least 2 weeks and have NEVER been able to finish because the connection is so unreliable. It is a 2 minute clip that is only about 45 megs, so why is it taking so bloody long to upload. Today, I decided that I would sit at the desk and wait for it to finish. After about 2 hours... yes 2 fucking hours, the connection timed out on the main page so I had to start all over again. It was at 89%. Motherfuckers!

Shit man! If I didn't despise TSTT so much I would have switched providers. BITCHES!!!!

ARRRGGGGHHH!

*sigh* I feel better now. Greendot MC.

The joys of Trini Rock.

2006-08-17T16:25:00.000-04:00

I've been busy as a mo fo lately with work and life in general. So sorry for not posting as often as I should. *Have a cookie*

So.. what to blog about today? Well, I have recently been going to a lot of local rock concerts lately. Now, Trinidadian Rock is a growing artform. There are quite a few bands but many of them are not my style, the ones that are, though, I love. So, in no particular order:

Incert Coin (yes with a 'c'):
Awesome band that I think has international potential. They've been around for quite a while (about 10 years I think but don't quote me on that). In my humble inconsequential opinion, they have great music: intriguing lyrics and a damn good sound. Plus, James ( the lead singer) has an amazing voice and a great stage presence, something that is hard to fake. I've been to many of their shows and they have never failed to disappoint (except last Friday when they didn't play at Steps anymore.. WTF happened guys?). To hear their music, check out their site as well as their Myspace profile..

Jointpop

Mr. S introduced me to them. He has good taste too. J.pop isn't like any of the other bands I will blog about today. They have something special. They've been around forever and I have alot of respect for them. Their sound is very unique (more indie than anything else) as is the band. So professional, so centered, so focused: I am very surprised that they haven't hit the big time yet. I've only been to two shows of theirs but they have blown me away everytime. Their music is so well thought out. Sometimes comical, sometimes serious but always awe inspiring.... One of my favorite songs is "Let's pray for Rock and Roll number 2 on the Juke box). Take a peep at their site which is very cool as well. Oh yeah, Myspace.

Vox Deus

Formed in 2002/2003, these guys have great energy and a crazy sound. They seem a little rough around the edges but it works for them. Their lead guitarist Nicholas Khan is really good (coming from a novice in every sense of the word this may not be the greatest compliment but the man f-ing rocks it hard). Their vocalist Matthew Coelho has good stage presence and a killer grunt. Performances are unfortunately sometimes inconsistent but they are worth the wait. Here's their Myspace profile.

Tripped and Falling

Punk and powerful. A great live band with high energy and even higher potential. Their song Ashes and Ember is one of my favorites. I don't have to say too much about them cause their music speaks for it self. One thing I will say though is that they always seem to get better with time. Kudos Guys!TAF Myspace

Orange Sky

One of the more popular bands in T&T, I have a special place in my heart for them. They were my very first concert and it was all history from there. An interesting blend of reggae and rock, these guys are really good and .hurray for them, recently signed, I expect alot of good things from them. I have nothing bad to say about them at all. The music is mellow and chill and friggin awesome. Play me "Alone" or "Real Love" and I am good for the day.Just go see.

Skid"Nevely

An unsual fusion of Steelpan, calypso and punk, Skid"Nevely sound the most like Trinibagonian Influenced rock, though their founding member Andrew McIntosh is from St. Lucia. They are definitely original and I like that about them not to mention the bandmates seem very down to earth as well. Very good in concert and recorded, they have a consistent sound and you can tell some of the members are classically trained. Overall, a tight band. As usual... the Myspace profile

Some others worth mentioning:

Blood Red Clover: Lead singer has a great full voice.
A moment of silence: Wham dey Bob?
Everything is Eventual: WTF Music. Funny as hell.

For more information and links to bands on the Trinidadian Rock Scene go to Island Noise

Memories of the Muppet Show

2006-08-08T21:11:00.000-04:00

They really need to put this stuff back on the air.

I am a coward

2006-08-08T15:44:00.000-04:00

And a beach bum.

I ran away. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go to church with Mr.S' mother, I made him get me out of it. Apparently, I wanted to go to the beach more (either that or I am demon spawn and cannot set foot inside a holy place). And frankly, I'm glad I did. So there!

I still have to go with her this Sunday though. Mr. S sucks at lying.

Maracas is the flick.

Making nice with Mumsie (in Law)

2006-08-02T14:51:00.000-04:00

I made it past noon! Mostly because I got there at 4 p.m (late.. as usual) but I swear it wasn't my fault. My favorite cousin (Ms. C), yeah.. the same one who has better luck with the ladies that I ever will, came along with me for moral, or in this case, mortal support.

After getting there way too fashionably late and losing the ability to filter into the crowd unnoticed, Mr. S' dad decided to give me the grand introduction by getting the attention of the WHOLE family and announcing the late arrival of Mr.S' girlfriend. As embarrased as I was, I gave a quick smile and a weak "Hi" and made my way to the back of the room. His family was sweet to me though even though there was limited interaction due to the fact that I was hiding in the corner the whole time.

It was by far one of the most interesting Family Reunions I have ever been to... considering I've only been to about 4 in my entire life that isn't saying much. Apparently, as Mr. S kept reinforcing to me, the family is very distant. Many of them have never even met so they were going around the room making introductions and short (in some cases long and tearful speeches ending with the expectations for the family and what they would like to do for future family days. Even I was forced to say something about myself in front of the whole family. I can't even remember half of what I had said but I do remember a quip about our (Mr. S and I) difference in age. He's six years older than me. I let it pass.

Nearing the end of the family day, I went in search of his mum so that I could introduce her to my cousin (she did not greet us at all). I finally found her alone at the door and did a cheerful introduction only to recieve a grunt of acknowledgement in return before she turned her attention to someone else. I was completely fazed by this and my cousin forced herself to curb her tongue as she revealed to me later on.

I have tried everything under the sun to get to this woman but this was by far the worst reception I had receieved. Usually she says hi and immediately interrogates me on my church-going habits of which there are none. I could lie and say that I went but I refused to do that. Finally, at the end of my rope and coming up empty with ideas, I decided, after much prodding from my cousin to go to church with her next Sunday.

Now, I am a religious person.. to an extent. I believe in God and pray often but I do not go to church. I cannot stand listening to hours of a pastor droning on and on about this and that. But that's just me. To me, religion and my beliefs are personal. But.. I digress.

It seemed to prod a response from her finally as she started making conversation with us (my cousin and I) about getting Mr, S to go as well and about our personal lives. How swiftly attitudes can change.

By the way, if you are wondering where Mr. S was in all this... he had promptly made a beeline to the children's corner and left me to the wolves. Bad Mr. S! No booty for you.

All in all, I'm now stuck with a church date with Mumsie. YAY! *grumble* Oh well, Mr. S is lucky I love him so much.

That Dreaded Family Reunion

2006-07-31T16:51:00.001-04:00

It's finally here... this thing I have been dreading forever. It's not my family reunion, of course, it's Mr. S' (my boyfriend of 2+ years). I got away for more than 2 years having to deal only with his dad (who is adorable) and his mother( who scares the living daylights out of me).

I have avoided all the rest of the family (with the exception of his cousin's wedding last year ...or the year before) beautifully for 2 WHOLE YEARS but now they will all be there, to my xenophobic dismay, to prod and poke and kiss and cajole. I can barely wait for the probing questions that will be fired at me like machine guns in a war-torn country. The forced smiles and awkward silences for a whole day.

Maybe I should start writing my last Will and Testament cause I'm not so sure I will survive past noon.

Did I mention I hate family reunions, especially when it comes to Potential In-Laws?

Any advice?

Solace's Trip to the zoo. Boredom is a hell of a thing.

2006-07-30T10:14:00.000-04:00

Here are some of the pics in a handy little strip. Click on the ones you like for a larger image.

More videos coming as soon as photobucket (and my crappy connection) can upload them.
*sigh*
Disclaimer: I suck at taking pictures so if they are blurry or anything of the sort you know why.

That Lazy bastard

2006-07-30T09:37:00.000-04:00

I went to the zoo yesterday on a whim with a friend of mine. The animals seemed to be very animated as the following video will show. Unfortunately, the Emperor Valley Zoo (in Trinidad and Tobago) is pretty small and a bit depressing as my friend Tish pointed out but is still a nice place to go whent there's nothing to do. More Pics and videos to come later in the week.

This is the first time in all my years going to the zoo that I have EVER seen this lazy dude get out of the water. EVER! Click to see it.

Now forgive all the "ohmigods" but I am scared shitless of those things; caged or otherwise. Don't know if you'll understand the accents.

Lunch

2006-07-16T08:20:00.000-04:00

Ok, this just looked so good I had to put it. And yes, I took this picture.

This, for those of you who do not know, is Curried Crab with Dumplings. It is.. the shit! If you have never had it.. you have never lived. Nuff said. Moving along.

Recipe

N.B. Franky, you can just leave the meat in the crab as it gives it more flavor and screw the parsely... and presentation for that matter, all you will be thinking about is eating it.

Coming Soon: Doubles!!!!

Flora

2006-07-16T08:05:00.000-04:00

There it is... The first picture I took with my pretty new camera. *sigh* I love it... I love it so very much.

Short post today. Just had to share that.

Bleh

2006-07-10T11:44:00.000-04:00

11:49 a.m.

Only half the morning past and I am having a decidedly crappy day so far. Why? Because work sucks. Unfortunately for some people it's supposed to be that way.(Plus my arse hurts from the inadequate padding of that bike I was riding all of yesterday afternoon.)
The world of advertising leaves such little room for mistakes and I believe the novelty is wearing off. Trinidadian ads, I think, are some of the most inept advertisements I've seen for a while and unfortunately I'm not sure it's going to change anytime soon... at least until clients of the various agencies we have here loosen their grip on their purse strings and allow for some innovation. I'm sure we have the talent but tight budgets and conservatism once again prevail.

Just a random thought.

Addictions and what-not

2006-07-07T13:42:00.000-04:00

I have officially become an Amazon addict. Within the past week I have bought at least ten things: from jewelery to an almost purchased shower head. Half my purchases were absolutely ridiculous but oh-so-easy to make (DAMN THIS PICK AND CLICK REVOLUTION!! DAMN IT TO HELL!!!)

However, I do have my limits, I refuse to buy clothing off the net. Why should I when I have access to custom made (almost) everything at home? My mother owns a bloody custom-made store here, so I refuse to spend one red cent. Plus I'm afraid because things never fit my full-figured 6ft frame well anyway. Damn my genes! *sigh*

Anyhoo, I'm supposed to go looking for a bathing suit today with my stick thin excuse for a cousin. Don't get me wrong, I love the life out of her... but for God's sake, the girl has a bloody six-pack set of washboard abs and STILL complains about a miniscule flap of skin at her stomach's base she calls "pudge". Pudge? You have got to be fucking kidding me! I could show her pudge. I could show her about 50 lbs worth of "pudge". Damn these skinny bitches!

Anyway, I digress, shopping for a bathing suit. Worst thing since Gigli and even then J.Lo has a flawless body. I can't wait to see the bits and pieces that I stuff into my jeans every day hang out. Oh well, blubber always makes for good eating.

By the way, Tish, I should finally be online at home again by Tuesday that is if Greendot would stop playing the ass.

Until next time.

Being all optimistic and shit

2006-07-06T14:29:00.001-04:00

Yeah, so I'm working. Yay me! *grumble grumble* and am probably having the worst luck I can probably have this week. For example: I fell down my stairs this morning. I skated straight down all 20 of my beautifully polished wooden stairs (why we polish those stairs I'll never know). Let's just say I'll feel that pain tomorrow.

I fucked up in work a few times too (twice to be exact), but the thing about my job is that my mistakes are very public, as in published in the daily news and seen my 1.3 million people every single day. Nice, huh? I like to think so. But like the title says, I'm being optimistic about it.

In other news, I should be getting myself a brand new digital camera very very soon (*joy*) so, I will soon share the beauty of my beautiful little country with you soon enough. I plan on taking my new Koday Easyshare z740 everywhere with me... should make for some very interesting, candid photos.

That's all for now.

Working Girl

2006-06-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

So, I've started that new job at that ad agency. I've been here for almost three weeks and got paid today (*evil laughter*). The story behind this job is a bit long and exhausting so I'll save that for another time… not that it's very interesting. So, I work as a Media Dispatcher, which is a fancy way of saying I liaise with media houses to get ads out, send artwork to them... blah, blah, blah. Basically, I'm a gopher (go-for) in disguise as someone from my past so aptly put it. Frankly, I didn't really want this stint since I'm doing the same thing I did at that other agency, for less money and with more responsibility but it's proving to be more interesting by the minute.

My M.O. at work is so different to the way I operate at home. For one, I am as neat as a pin here (almost anally so), always punctual and amazingly organized. For example, I have no work for the rest of the month. I have done everything I can possibly do. Yeah, there is the stray ad here and there that comes in unexpectedly, but for the most part I'm done. I sit around with nothing to do until I find something or go pester someone for work. Also, I've changed the entire Traffic process that the agency had in place, that was extremely archaic, and I have streamlined all my tasks so I'm on top of everything. In other words, I'm a fricking workaholic.

I am a strange, strange soul.

In other news, I've added an interesting new poem to Stranger to the Sunrise. Check it out and let me know what you think.

Belated Love for the Soca Warriors

2006-06-26T11:28:00.000-04:00

Now, admittedly, I am not a big football (soccer) fan. I'm not a big sports fan period. The closest I ever get to sports of any kind is Tony Hawk Pro Skater and Fifa 2006. But I have to say my boys did me and the other 1.3 million Trinbagonians proud.
From Bahrain to Germany and back home again, the Soca Warriors have forever gained a place in this former Doubting Thomas' heart.

A standing ovation goes to:

Carlos Edwards (who I have a growing infatuation for) for his consistency, determination and breathtaking work with the ball.

Brent Sancho (we all forgive you, accidents happen ) for being so passive after that awful Crouch goal.

Dennis Lawrence for those amazing goal attempts and overall excellent work.

Russel Latapy, the Little Magician, for giving a little hope in the last few minutes of the Paraguay game.

Dwight Yorke for doing excellent work as the Captain of the team.

The rest of the Soca Warriors, including those who didn't play. You all helped us make history and we will forever treasure that little slice of heaven.

And, of course, to Leo Beenhakker, who helped whip our boys into shape and give them a taste of what our true potential is. I only hope this will be a prelude to something even better.

Also to the patriots and fans that represented us in Germany and left the whole world wanting more.

Nice to see the boys were richly rewarded.

Hope to see you in World Cup 2010!!!

On the road again.

2006-05-08T18:22:00.000-04:00

2006: Not bad so far.

After the craptastic year I had in 2005, 2006 has made up for it already even though it's only 5 months past. I've restarted school, had a job interview for a very cool and challenging job as a Creative Writer at a local advertising agency (*crosses fingers*) and am back on track with my parents. Both of them! My dad and I are back on speaking terms and he seems to be a little more considerate now, though I'm still wary of his temper and ignorant attitude but say what, he's still my dad. I can't change that.

My days are finally busy again. Between french classes, marketing classes, studying and teaching myself to speak Italian. I've changed alot in 5 months (for the better) and it feels really good. I'm taking care of myself instead of letting life pass me by. While this may be mediocre and common place for some, it's not something I thought I could do after my episode last year. Yay!

I only hope the rest of the year only gets better. I deserve it dammit.

Wondering Mind

2006-03-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

I finally recieved a package I've been waiting for today. It contained a book of poetry by Serj Tankian (lead singer of System of a Down) called Cool Gardens. I am a very big fan of S.O.A.D and love their musical style both lyrically and melodiously but this book is ... WOW! I've only read a few of the poems but can already state some of my favorites: Three of which are Soil and Metaphor and Mer. These are both copyrighted so I don't think I'll be able to reproduce them on this blog without permission but I shall but a quote from Mer.

I'll take organized patterns of chaos over the chaotic oganizations of man, any day.- Serj Tankian

After this sentence I let my wandering mind wonder. I hadn't done that for a long time and I suddenly bumped in to an epiphany of sorts (which also happens to be common knowledge but it was the first time I truly understood the profundity of it).

I (or we, people or any one person) is not as insignificant as they may make themselves feel. We are able to influence so much by merely speaking, acting, thinking and feeling. We can influence others through these things and people often take these things for granted. While we shouldn't live life for anyone but ourselves, we need to take into consideration the feelings of others before we act. Being frank is a both a blessing and a curse and words are such a powerful thing.

Think about that.

Until later.
Solace.

Walking standing still

2006-03-14T10:19:00.000-04:00

I'm in a bit of a situation at the moment. A place I have avoided all my life and now I'm stuck right in the middle of it.

I'm in a rut.

I've recently realized that I have a very big problem finishing... anything and the last thing I finished (for myself) was high school. I usually finish thigs for others though, that's never a problem. I'm Miss Productivity when it comes to everyone but me. I have a habit of making lots of plans but never following through. And it sucks ass to be blunt. Everyone around me is going somewhere while I'm stuck stagnant somewhere between here and there and I can't seem to move either way.

Crap.

*sigh*

Inspired and loving it

2006-01-24T13:35:00.000-04:00

It's been more than two months since I've written any new poetry (the works in progress don't really count to me). I only just realized that yesterday when Mr. Hill over at Aggressive Fiction asked about them. When I thought about it I was floored. There was a time when I couldn't blink without thinking of some invigorating prose to describe it (good or bad) and now no matter how I'm feeling putting pen to paper has become increasingly difficult.

Usually, my emotions and the depressions I went through were great motivators for me to write and it fulfilled me. I felt okay when I was finished, like I poured myself out on the page and it no longer lived in me. I missed that. So this last night into the wee hours of this morning I decided to get a bit of that back. I haven't felt inspired in a long time so this was a lot harder than it sounded.

I pulled a chair into the back room of my house, turned the a/c on ( I live in Trinidad: It's hot here), and put on Damien Rice's "O". That usually does the trick. But that resulted in nothing but tears and useless phrases. Sometimes it sucks being happy. You never ever seem to get any good without the bad. Apparently, I got love but lost my muse (my fickle emotions).

Eventually I decided to get some sleep but suddenly popped up a few hours later, refreshed and , YES, Inspired. While it wasn't the best of my work, I cranked out two short poems. You can see them on my other blog Stranger to the Sunrise. Ironically, one of them is actually named after this blog. Let me know what you think.

That's all for now. Laters.

Baby Steps Bitches!!

2006-01-21T11:49:00.000-04:00

I'm back and I'm all over you like white on rice.

Life has been slowly getting better and I'm proud to say I have pretty much worked through or come to a compromise with most of my problems: without the aid of any (non-herbal) medicines. I've bounced back and am better than ever.

2005 was, without a doubt, one of the shittiest years ever but hopefully 2006 will be different. I've actually been keeping my resolution of taking things day by day so far and it's been doing wonders. It's amazing what living life in the here and now can do.

Oh by the way before I forget the play was awesome, we flubbed a little but all the hard work paid off. I may be doing another one soon but I'll have to make time for study so it will be tricky. Holy Crap!! ME? Prioritizing?? dear God what is this world coming to.

I've also picked up a few hobbies: Playing the guitar (hell on your fingertips) and learning how to speak italian (I plan on taking classes at the University of the West Indies soon) *thanks Tish*

I've changed schools and am now pursuing Marketing... go figure. It's cool so far nothing much to say about it besides I've had 2 classes so far and my Marketing Environment lecturer is geek chic and pretty boring but he's okay on the eyes so I'm not complaining.

I've taken a cue from the movie "What about Bob?" and achieving my goals one step at a time and it's working out pretty well. It's amazing how little things can affect your life in big ways.

So as you can see life is good and I don't have much to complain about for once, so laters for now.

2005-10-14T11:48:00.000-04:00

It's been a long fucking month so far. My computer died, finally, he's been on the brink of Resting in Pieces for months now after all the abuse I've put him through. He's in a better place now *sniffle* So, I'll be going on a bit of a forced hiatus until I get a new one. I'll check in every now and then though.

The play... well, I'm over my little bout of jealousy now. It was indeed a bit silly but not as uncommon as I intially thought. It turns out that the lead female's boyfriend who was also in the play didn't appreciate the stage direction either. He didn't even want her in my boyfriend's personal space. LOL. Apparently insecurity isn't just a female thing. They seemingly have pulled out of the play now so I was made the lead female (which I'm not too sure I want). But that problem is solved for now.

I've finally taken control of my life as it pertains to my weight issues. I've been exercizing like Richard Simmons on.... . well... Like Richard Simmons. Twice a day, almost every day. And it feels great. I'm actually trying to figure out why I couldn't do it before and why it felt so hard for me. Apparently I needed to get to a certain place in my life before I could stick to something. Ah well it's only two weeks in... I have yet to see if it really is concrete.

School is still the stinking pus-hole of assignments and midterms but I'm coping.

Until next time.....

Green with envy and I'm neon

2005-10-04T07:24:00.000-04:00

I never thought that I had a jealous streak. I never had any idea of how possessive and potentially insecure I could be. It's actually quite scary how I get when I'm jealous.

I'm in a play; a low budget production that a friend of mine is doing for her theatre arts degree. I've helped her out before so I know ( or at least have an idea) of how she operates. My boyfriend, Mr. S, is in the play as well and is playing the lead male character. I am playing a less important character of a nosy, loquacious, bacchanalist neighbour (I'm really starting to worry about the casting and how I am being percieved because if this has anything to do with me personally I will definitely have to do some serious self-analsis). The female lead is played by someone I just met at last week's reading (she also has a significant other in the play).

Now, the play has alot of profanity and sexual overtone... it even involves a bit of touching and kissing in a bed onstage.. between the leads. So I guess you can understand my concern now. I would trust Mr. S with my life, especially after all of the things we have gone through. So I was surprised that I felt this way. Worried, panicky, insecure and well jealous. I really have no reason to, I know he wouldn't do anything plus I have the reassurance that the female lead's boyfriend will be there... so I can hope that she won't do anything but I don't know how deep their love goes.

What I am worried about, however, is the excessive amount of time they will be spending alone (well with the director) rehearsing. Because of the amount of scences that involve the two of them (usually arguing other times cuddling and *cringe* kissing), the director decided that she would call them in for private practices. THIS is what is irking me. I do NOT want to be the insecure girlfriend who pops up at rehearsals when she's not needed just to see what's going on. Though I am that insecure girlfriend (much to my dismay) I refuse to do it. Even during the readthrough I was cringing visibly and they were just reading. What the hell will happen when I actually see it. So for both my sanity and their physical well being, I shouldn't go.

Also, Mr. S and I are usually pretty busy so we don't get to see each other. A few weekday evenings for an hour or two and Saturdays ( which are now taken over by my classes and play rehearsal.) Mr.S is also in study mode now as he has a huge exam coming up, plus he works full time. So our time together will be cut significantly shorter when the director wants him on evenings for private rehearsals.

FUCK! I have no idea how to deal with this. Any suggestions?

If you hate memes, look away

2005-10-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

LAST PERSON WHO...
x. Slept in your bed: Me and my stuffed frog
x. Saw you cry: Mr. S and he's so sweet about it.
x. Made you cry: Me.
x. You shared a drink with: Me mum.
x. You went to the movies with: Mr. S and C
x. You went to the mall with: Mr. S and C. The movie theatre is in the mall.
x. Yelled at you: My mum
x. Sent you an e-mail: Spammers. DIE!!!!

HAVE YOU EVER...
x. Said "I love you" and meant it?: Yes.
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: Yes. He's still mad at me.
x. Been to California: Nope.
x. Been to Hawaii: Nope.
x. Been to Mexico: Nope.
x. Been to China: Nope.
x. Been to Canada: Nope.
x. Danced naked: All the time.
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: I wish cause the last time I dreamt something crazy it involved Johnny Depp, whipped cream and lubricant.
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: Yes. I've always wanted to pee standing up.
x. Had an imaginary friend: Had?

RANDOM TID BITS...
x. Do you have a crush on someone: No. But I do want to CRUSH someone.
x. What book are you reading now: Introduction to Psychology. Damnable essay.
x. Worst feeling(s) in the world: Being depressed.
x. Future son's name: Nikolai.
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Yes.
x. What's under your bed:Drawers. No, really. Actual drawers.
x. Favorite sports to watch: Swimming, rugby, World Cup football (soccer).
x. Siblings: Mossiah, me little half-brother.
x. Location: In my room.
x. College plans: Finish.. quickly.
x. Piercing/tattoos: Nope only in me ears.
x. Boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes, Mr. S.

EXTRA STUFF...
x. Who is your best friend(s): Tishie, Mr. S, C.
x. What are you most scared of: Failure.
x. What clothes do you sleep in: Tanktop and Boyshorts, or me birthday suit.
x. Where do you want to get married: Not sure.
x. Who do you really hate: The cocksucker that took my phone
x. Do you drive: Nope.
x. Do you have a job: Nope.
x. Do you like being around people: Sometimes.
x. Are you for world peace: Yes I am and I'm also against world hunger. *beauty queen wave*

STUFF...
x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Yes.
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: Yes
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Nope.
x. Want someone you don't have right now: nope.
x. Are you lonely right now: Nope.
x. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: Anna Nalick- Breathe (2 am).
x. Do you want to get married: Eventually.

FAVORITE...
x. Room in house: My bedroom.
x. Type(s) of music: Not really sure.
x. Band(s): Linkin Park, System of a Down, Slipknot, Static X, Maroon 5, Incert Coin, Tripped and Falling..
x. Color: Blue, Black, Red.
x. Month: June and December.
x. Stone: Sapphires.

IN THE LAST 72 HOURS, HAVE YOU...
x. Cried: Yup.
x. Bought something: Nope. Surprised myself actually
x. Gotten sick: Nope.
x. Sang: Yes, Badly.
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: Yes, and I did..
x. Met someone new: yes.
x. Missed someone: Yep.
x. Hugged someone: Yes.
x. Kissed someone: Yes..

Life is Crapfuckingtastic!

2005-09-30T11:31:00.000-04:00

I'm horrifically busy, exhasuted and too bloody aggravated to blog. Not that anyone's missing anything.

In othernews, I may be moving from Blogger to Blogsome, in order to use the wordpress system cause frankly, I'm bored with Blogger. It will be a bittersweet breakup. It was nice while it lasted, it's not you it's me. Let's just be friends and let me use for photos for my new blog. You're such a good host. Maybe we'll hook up for sex and a smoke soon. Minus the smoke, I like my lungs unblackened and not cancer-ridden.

I've spent the last four days slaving over two psychology essays which are due tomorrow morning and I am one hell of a procrastinator. Which means it will be finished by 8:45 am on Saturday morning, printed and delivered by 9am.... or later. Long live "Later".

In other news, getting money from my mum to buy a new phone (I'm a fucking college student give me a fucking break) is like negotiating with Brad Pitt's character Mickey in Snatch. You have to pay get your ass handed back to you. The woman is fucking relentless. Sweet, caring lady my left ass cheek!

Anyways, I'm off to not finish my essay on time. See you eventually. I'll bore you sometime next week if I get something interesting to say which is highly unfucking likely as my social life is going to shit. Eh. C'est la vie.

Since when did I become such a fucking pottymouth. Shit.

Battle of the Bulge and the Bi-sexuals.

2005-09-26T17:33:00.000-04:00

BC by Johnny Hart

My "chub" and I have a love/ hate relationship. It loves to hate me. I can't tell you how many times I've tried the diet thing (quite unsuccessfully I might add) and it's even harder because I've been slightly overweight for most of my life, since I was 7... What I wouldn't do to turn back time and learn some self control. I'm going to try again. Let's see how long it lasts this time.

In other news, I went to a club on Saturday night. Now, I'm am not a club person, I am pretty much a contented homebody. Give me a DVD, some good company and some Papa John's and I'm good as gravy. But, Mr. S wanted to go, so I obliged. My favorite cousin, who's as close as a sister to me came as well.

Upon entering the club's small, dark, less than flashy interior we were greeted by a crowded bar and an empty dancefloor. Not a good sign. The first think my cuz goes for is a beer. I'm not much of a drinker but I had one too (the only one for the night because I know I can't handle my alcho.) So all three of us go to talk on the side. My cousin has this thing of using me as a block when guys come to bother her (she acts as though I'm her girlfriend.) She's a cute chick so the men in the area start checking her out and as a reflex she grabs on to me. Mind you I'm with my boyfriend as well so frankly he looks like the luckiest man in the club with two "bi" women on his arm. 20 minutes pass, and my cousin downs another beer.

Then I start to notice this girl who looks about 19 dressed like a guy checking my cousin out. To me, this is amusing so I laugh and mention to "C" that she has an admirer. She laughs, blushes and grips me even tighter. Our side of the club was pretty damn boring so we move to the next side where some guys were breakdancing. The D.J. finally starts playing some decent tunes so we start dancing, all 3 of us. Mind you, Trinidadians don't really dance in the generic sense. We "wine". It would look like dry humping to a foreigner to put it simply. So there we were, 2 girls and one guy dry humping on an almost empty dancefloor with all eyes on us. We couldn't be bothered cause we're having fun.

Soon we're sweaty and suddenly aware of the stares, so we take a breather and my cousin goes to the bathroom and I chill in the corner with my boyfriend. As soon as my cousin disappears, I notice the girl dressed like a guy and two of her cohorts follow. I am suspicious but not perturbed so I continue sipping on my beer. A minute later, C comes skating out of the bathroom laughing to tell me she was just it on by the three women and they grabbed her ass. My eyebrow shoots up and I smirk not sure what to think. C seems to enjoy the attention so I dismissed it while she goes to get another beer. The third for the night. Her limit. A few hours pass and the club gets a bit more lively. C is a little high now but still pretty much sober and she decides to go dance with her new admirers.

The minute she started dancing with one of the ladies, five more move in like white on rice and it's suddenly an orgy. Breasts, hands and asses were up for grabs. I didn't even know this was a gay club. So I keep an eye on her in case she needs an out but the obvious elation on her face tells me otherwise. I eventually turn around and start dancing with Mr. S. C comes back mussed and grinning saying she's going for another drink. I ask her not to because I know she'll get drunk so she doesn't. We start dancing again. Having a good time. Giggling about C's mini orgy. When one of her neighbours suddenly shows up with another drink. Things quickly went downhill from there.

She takes the drink ( her last for the night) and sips it slowly. We continue dancing, her neighbour joins in, one of her new admirers join in and C is jacked against a wall sandwiched between the two. Suddenly, C puts her hand to her mouth and races to the bathroom. I follow because I know she's going to puke. She does. 5 times. This is where the party ends. I clean her up and take her to the pool room in the back where she can sit until she sobers up a bit. Mr. S sits next to us worried.

A minute later, we're back over the porcelain throne again. I close the door this time so that no one will see her. The knob soon turns and someone tries to get in. "Someone's in here" The person still tries opening it "Someone's in here" I say louder. It continues I yell this time " Fuck! Stop it There is someone in here" . It stops. I clean C up again and we open the stall door to get her to the sinks so she can wash her face. C's first admirer is standing there waiting for her. She starts asking me "Are you okay? Need me to take you home?" Staring at C a hungry look on her face. The nerve!

I roll my eyes and answers "Yeah, she's fine. She pukes when she's happy and she'll be going home with me". The bathroom door opens again. Two more. They chime in " We were looking all over for you (My cousin)" She shrugs and smiles groggily. The door opens again. Another one. I start to get worried because they all look like they want a piece of my poor drunk cuz. I put the meanest look I can muster on my face and push my way out of the tiny bathroom. My boyfriend is standing outside. He noticed them coming in droves. He wanted to make sure we were okay.

We got C some club soda and helped her downstairs to the outside of the club for some fresh air. Her Dad would be coming soon. We needed to sober her up. 3 cups of club soda and a bucket full of puke later she is drained and falls asleep on my lap. The hyenas kept coming outside looking for her. Her Dad was taking way too long to get there. So we took a ride from her neigbbour in his very compact vintage buggy, crammed ourselves in the back and I took her home. That's right, hyenas I took her home.. That's MY bitch.

I don't think I'll be going clubbing again anytime soon.

Trini Legends and Folklore: Part 3- La Diablesse

2005-09-24T08:41:00.000-04:00

This is one of the most popular Legends of Trinidad and Tobago. The story of the La Diablesse is one of intrigue, sedcution and deception so it is easy to see why

'La Diablesse', the devil woman of Trinidad and Tobago folklore, is sometimes personified as an old crone, who steps forth with her cloven hoof from behind a tree on a lonely road, the sound of chains mingling with the rustle of her petticoat.

La Diablesse appears as a tall, handsome Creole woman who with swinging gait and erect stature.She has eyes like burning coals and a face resembling that of a corpse, but hides it under a beautiful wide-brimmed hat and a veil over her face. She may have a bag of bones, graveyard dirt and shells, she may cast a spell and be perceived as young and desirable, her rich perfume blending with the smell of damp and decaying things. Although she may appear young, she will be dressed in the ancient costume of these islands: a brilliant madras turban, chemise with half sleeves and much embroidery and lace, 'zepingue tremblant' (trembling pins of gold), and all the finery of by-gone days. Or the more modern dress of a blouse with puffy sleeves and long, petticoated skirts.

This creature is one of the most feared of all the legends of T&T as she, unlike other creatures, is not bound to the night.

In the daytime she passes through a cane or cocoa field at noon where her mysterious beauty catches the eye of a man who then proceeds to follow her but is never able to catch up with her because her feet hardly touch the ground. Soon finds himself lost, bewildered, far from home and he is never himself again.

She is even more fearsome when she roams at night. Hiding her cloven foot under her long skirts, she turns up at village dances, where she is immediately disliked by the women present. She utterly charms the men spinning tales of a majestic and refined life. Feigning weariness she asks one of her new suitors to take her home. He follows her obediently, totally under her spell.
She lures him deep into the woods and then suddenly she disappears. Unable to find his way home, the poor fellow stumbles around in the dark wood until he either falls (or is pushed) into a ravine or a river to his death or gets attacked by wild hogs or some other beast.

To discourage the attentions of the La Diablesse, the potential victim should wear his garments inside out. The reasons for this are believed to be a result of her being such a stylish dresser, that she will lose all interest and seek her victim elsewhere.

I assume this story is told often by parents to their sons to caution them of the wiles of women, which quite frankly, could turn out to be deadly.

Next Week: Mama D'Lo.

Credits go to The National Library of Trinidad and Tobago, Best Caribbean Holidays, David James (Colour Image) See more of his amazing art here and The Superstitions of Trinidad and Tobago (illustration).

Fashionista in the making.

2005-09-22T21:30:00.000-04:00

Look, not everyone is a size -2 okay. Some of us have some meat on our bones. I've got some meat... with gravy...and my gravy doesn't fit in a half yard of fabric. I get so tired of having to drudge around from place to place to place looking for clothing that would cover BOTH my breasts. Shopping in Trinidad especially, is the WORST! Especially, if you are plus size. You always get stuck with dowdy, frumpy, generic "I'm-fat-so-let-me-in-a-tent" stuff. I'm friggin 20 years old Why the hell would I want to look like my grandmother. Jeez!

In my quest for clothing I have come across very few lucky finds but many, many hideous ones. I had even done a mini shoot for a friend of mine who was doing a article on plus size clothing in Trinidad and where to find it. She had asked me to be her model. The first store we went to was the run of the mill frumpy crap. What was interesting was the owner of the store and her passion for her Haute Couture tents. When my friend was doing the interview the owner was so enthusiastic it was hard not to get excited. She said has spent over 20 years in the clothing business and knows what people want. She said that she was the shopper for a successful company before she opened up her store. She expressed her disgust at plus size women wearing revealing clothing and demanded that they cover up from head to toe. And she had just the right tenting. I wouldn't let her shop for me if she tarred and feathered me, tied me up and placed me naked and wriggling on a railroad track with a train charging ahead.

The clothes were horrendous. Ugly and baggy and ..... Ugh! There was this one dress, a black and blue disaster with so many strings I wanted to hang myself. All of the clothing in the store were drab and shapeless. Business suits that I would make it my business to destroy, casual wear that I would never care to wear. Disaster upon disaster was piled upon me.

To make a long story short. I am grateful the pictures never made it to print.

Soooo.. I've decided to make and design my own clothes. My mum is a seamstress, she runs a little, but maniacally sucessful sewing shop from our home. I actually recycled an old jacket I had that I loved too much to throw away. When I was done mangling it, it looked awesome. If I had a digi cam I would have shown you. Soon I will be raiding local art stores for supplies and I shall make MYSELF fabulous. Jeans, tees, skirts, whatever. Versace ain't got notthin' with me.

Aaargggghhh

2005-09-21T12:22:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to write the same essay for that past 4 days. First essay of the semester and I've got block. I think I must have written the same paragraph over 10 times but it doesn't seem right. *sigh* *bangs head on desk*

*Update* Two hours later, still on same sentence. Had lunch (Chicken corn soup rocks) and now I am falling asleep on myself. Class is at nine tomorrow morning and I may have to read the essay to the class. At this rate, all that will be there is....

Student Id: 000000
Fundamentals of Politics
"What are the ingredients necessary for Politics to exist in Trinidad and Tobago?"

The ingredients necessary for Politics are

2 bickering political parties
1 inadequate Prime Minister
1 even more inept Oppostion Leader
1 country at the mercy of Morons
A handful of sycophantic fools who with iron clad and often ignorant Party Loyalty
1.5 million dissatisfied Trinidadians
0 Trinidadians doing anything about it
2 tablespoons get me the hell off this island
1 lb Screw this shit I'm going to Fiji.

Preheat oven to Fire and Brimstone.
Mix well, throw in a optional dash of corruption, kidnapping and crime to taste.
Serve immediately.

I think this is good enough, don't you?

Scratch that Fiji thing... I'm going to Chicago... where Oprah gives away Free Men. You gotta love her.

Interdependent Woman

2005-09-20T20:54:00.000-04:00

I'm a college student living at home, leeching off my parents but I like to do things on my own. I like paying my on way, buying stuff for myself with my own money, paying my own bills. I am a living oxymoron.

I've been with my boyfriend, Mr. S, for a year and a half. We have been through so much together and I love him to death. But only recently (as in the last six months) really allowed or even asked him to pay my way. I was all for going Dutch or even paying for him on occasion, having a man pay for me was so taboo in my books. Even if he insisted, I'd insist that I pay for stuff the next time just to even the score. It was a bit of an obsession. This was me fooling myself into thinking I was independent, when back home, I sucked my parents dry.

I've become so comfortable with him, and frankly he should be happy about this, that I'd ask him to get me stuff on his way to come see me, like food or a DVD etc. Ordinarily, I'd starve before I did that. But now, I'm starting to think I may be overdoing it. To the point that I am feeling guilty about it.

All of this I only just realized today.

I have a problem with taking advantage of people. I am really very introspective and a firm believer in "Do unto others". I spoil my friends and close family. As in I'd buy them stuff for no reason, or pay for them to go see a movie and then buy them dinner. I enjoy doing this for those who deserve it. This doesn't seem to be much but please remember that I am working on a college student's allowance here. I do not get paid, I get an allowance. $40 TT a day (that is equivalent to a little more that $5 US) a little more if I beg. So really, this is me treating people extravagantly, on a very low budget. Gimme a break already. I come from a middle class family. My mum owns a little clothing store and my father, whose income I am no longer privy too, is a owns a small taxi service. Nothing special, nothing out of the norm. And I do understand the concept of working hard for what I get.

Of late I have noticed some, for lack of a better word, very large faults in some of the friends I keep. They have gotten so used to people, rather me, paying their way on occasion that they, suddenly and conveniently, run out of funds when I am around. And I, pushover that I am, always open my wallet and sacrifice myself for their sake. These Nosferatu frenemies bask in the luxury of my not-so-fat wallet, smile and laugh, then disappear when a problem arises. Unconcerned and pretensive. How very interesting. Me thinks it's time to pull off some parasites.

I'm not racist, I have colour TV.

2005-09-20T02:05:00.000-04:00

I read this story today.

Let's take this in steps shall we?

"What's up with your shirt?"

Those are the words a former senior at Fleming Island High School remembers hearing as he walked from his fifth-period algebra class toward the gym. The 18-year-old, who is not being identified due to his family's concerns of safety, had just taken off his Dixie Outfitter T-shirt, exposing a highly offensive shirt.

"What about it?" replied the 18-year-old, skinny and white.

"Well, you know it's racial," said a black student, now in a group confronting the 18-year-old.

"Yeah. So?"

The undershirt the white student wore had a confederate flag on the front with the words "Keep it flying." On the back, a cartoon depicted a group of hooded Klansmen standing outside a church, waving to two others who had just pulled away in a car reading "Just married." Two black men in nooses were being dragged behind.

Firstly, how can you NOT see something wrong with a shirt depicting something like that. How twisted or just plain stupid must you be to wear that to SCHOOL where you know there are BLACK student who would be offended by it? How ignorant can you be that you would purchase something like that in the first place? How small minded and backward is this kid?

The white student said he left the school following a three-day suspension. He said he was supposed to go back on a Friday but school officials called and asked his family to keep him home until the following week because "the school's in an uproar."

"Everybody was threatening to come jump me, so we were like, whatever," he said. "So I'm not going to deal with it over some stupid shirt."

I wonder why, future Klansman?

Clay County school officials said the incident is isolated and both students involved were disciplined "quickly and appropriately," although they would not release specifics citing privacy concerns.

"There's no way you can prevent it when you've got students coming and bringing an attitude like that to school," said Ben Wortham, deputy superintendent.

(1) What exactly is quickly and appropriately? Does this also include quietly? Is this one of those things you would sweep under the rug? Hmmm?

(2) I'm torn on the deputy's statement. I know ignorance breeds hate and hate breeds ignorance but it doesn't seem like they are trying at all. That kid has a blatant case of I-don't-give-a-damn-itis and may be too far gone to stop him now, but didn't they notice symptoms of potential racism before.

"I'm not racist or anything," he said. "It's just, some people I hate, some people I don't get along with. And black people just happen to be the ones because they think they're better than everyone else."

So what the fuck is he? A martyr? The quote "A rose by any other name" comes flying to mind here. He hates black people because they think they are better than anyone else? What horseshit! What's the basis of that statement? What the hell has he been taught? Oh wait...

The student said his parents were shocked at his decision, Mom dismayed and Dad disappointed.

"I just can't believe you'd wear a shirt like that to school," he said was their reaction. "My mom was kind of upset about it. My dad was like, whatever, it's your life."

*Slap on the wrist* "Don't make fun of the colored folk in public, son. We taught you better than that. You know how ignorant and belligerent they get."
"Yes Pa!, I didn't think I'd be a big deal cause....

The 18-year-old said he has friends who are black, and he said he does not think they would be mad at him because they know he would not do what was depicted on the shirt

That always makes it better, doesn't it. But if he thinks black people think they are better than everyone else, what makes them different? Do they call you "Massa"? Or do they understand that....

"I'm a redneck," he said. "But no, I'm not racist."

Hmmm.

Upset by the shirt, a 17-year-old black student hit the white student in the head. A crowd of about 100 students gathered to watch the Aug. 29 fight before authorities intervened

Frankly, FUCK YEAH! If you haven't guessed by now, I am a black female or for the politically correct few "Afro- Trinidadian female" He would have gotten a lot more than that where I come from. *No, I am not advocating violence, contrary to popular belief*

Let me digress for a moment here, how would you feel watching someone parade around in slanderous clothing, promoting lynching and fostering hate, around you as though nothing is wrong? The white student was asked if he knew the shirt was racist, and candidly replied "Yeah. so?" This isn't just one person he hates, it's an entire race of people. I think this goes beyond ignorance into something alot more disturbing. What would you have done in this situation? The black student acted instinctivelty, and no, I don't blame him. I do agree he could have lodged a complaint but what would that have done. Nothing. Even after the fight was over and the authorites took over it seems as though nothing but a slap on the wrist was given. Not from his parents, the school he attends ( he is being allowed back in) Lesser acts than this have solicited expulsion. Didn't this warrant the same?

There are so many thought running through my head on this issue right now but I'll leave with a quote and an open ended question...

The most powerful stimulus for changing minds is not a chemical. Or a baseball bat. It is a word. -George A. Miller

Do you think the black students were justified in wanting to beat the hell out of him? How would you have dealt with the situation?

Pass me a Prozac

2005-09-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

This is my second semester at my university. A small, private, heavily competitive institution with students who are obsessed with grades, flip flops, high pitched voices, navel breakers and Daddy's Money. Needless to say, Hell, for someone who came from a laidback public high school that was more concerned with the football (soccer for you Americans) than grades. Not that I didn't do relatively well.

To put it bluntly, when you are 5'11, chubby and a bit of a bookwormish recluse.. you tend to stand out like a sore thumb. If I have to hear, "Wow, you are really tall" from one of those stunted banshees one more time I swear I'll pop a blood vessel.

The lecturers range from extremely soporific (amazingly snooze-worthy) to lively and a bit snooty. They have been spoiled rotten by all the whiny little know-it-all who have their noses stuck up their asses.

Other than that it's relatively bearable even fun on occasions thanks to the "characters" who make the date with fire and brimstone worthwhile.

In my Politics class, there was a certain individual, a scrawny boy with product soaked hair and baggy hip hop clothing who during the mandatory introductions, claimed that his hobbies were: Gaming, Arsony and Explosives. Coming soon after the Port of Spain bombings, of course, there was a collective gasp, a chuckle here and there (one came from me) and numerous people (the lecturer included) picking their jaws up off the floor. The lecturer, stunned, asked him to repeat what he said, disbelieving. The guy, in turn, repeated exactly what he had said with a mischievious grin plastered on his face. That was a true Kodak moment.

Right now, projects and essays are piling up, midterms shall soon be upon me, and I haven't a care in the world....as long as I pop my Prozac.

2005-09-19T06:33:00.000-04:00

Hey, I got smacked! (More like bitchslapped actually LOL) Here is my bad review from the ladies at Italk2much.com. Thanks Guys

Would it hurt you?

2005-09-18T10:49:00.000-04:00

I came across this site PostSecret while reading Colin's Blog. It is "an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard."
I started reading some of them when I came across this one...

Now I don't have a stepfather, a husband, or a wedding planned anytime soon for that matter but it got me thinking. My father and I don't have the best relationship. As of April of this year we don't have a relationship at all. I haven't found the courage yet to open up completely and say why we don't have one , maybe one day....

I do plan to get married of course. Most likely to my current boyfriend who is the best thing that has ever happened to me but, of course, that won't go over too well with dear old Daddy. Not that I really care what he thinks, I'm going to marry whoever the hell I want, but I digress...

The postcard made me think of whether or not he would walk me down the aisle or even be invited to the wedding. Frankly, my father fucked up. It's so strained right now I don't think I would ever forgive him for what he has did and continues to do to this day. There are people who would say "Quit bitching about it, your childhood is over and you should get over it" but how the fuck do you get over something or someone when they have become the proverbial thorn embedded deep into your ribcage and bleed you dry. Everytime, I heal it happens again and I am so fucking gullible I allow it to happen. Over and over again. Getting worse everytime. I can probably forgive in time, but to forget would be an injustice to myself. It would allow me to set myself up to have my dignity ripped to shreds and shoved up my ass wrapped in razorwire. Yes, it's that bad.

I have contemplated so many ways of getting revenge. Of evening the score, to hurt him like he hurt me. But what would that prove? That I am as bad as he is? That I am vindictive like he is? That I am following in his disatrous footsteps? It would be my greatest fear realized. But it seems so inevitable.

Trini Legends and Folklore: Part 2 - The Douens

2005-09-17T07:52:00.001-04:00

In keeping with the promise I made, I shall continue the Trini Legends series on Saturdays from now on... until I run out of local superstitions to talk about.

This week belongs to the Douens.

By Definition

Douens are the spirits of children who have died before they were baptized and as such, they are fated to roam the forests of Trinidad, practising their wide repertoire of pranks. They take the form of naked children, never growing in excess of two or three feet in height. Their faces, which are featureless with the exception of a small mouth, are hidden behind a large, floppy, straw hat but, you can identify a Douen by his feet, which are turned backward, heels facing forward. Malicious little creatures, Douens take pleasure in luring normal children away from their homes and deep into the woods until they become lost. Parents are advised not to shout the names of their children in open places as Douens use this knowledge to entice young ones away. However mischievous they may be, Douens do have a good natured side. They have been know to aid Papa Bois in the forest by leading him to injured or trapped animals and imitating animal calls to throw hunters off track.

They are supposedly found in rural areas where there the source of their favourite food, Crayfish or River crabs, reside. Their footprints are very misleading due to the fact that they would be going in one direction and the prints would be facing the other way.

When I was younger I was given a book called Crick Crack by my godfather, it was filled with local superstitions. One of which involved the story of a man who was walking through the forest and came across a silk cotton tree. These trees have a reputation for being the gateway for Jumbies (a local word for ghosts and goblins). Under the tree, the man saw a baby crying and wriggling. Feeling sorry for the child he picked it up and decided to take it home where he and his wife would take care of it. It was a long way home and the man noticed that the child seemed to be getting heavier and larger with every step. Ignoring it , he kept shifting the child about his body so that he would he able to carry him better. Eventually, he moved the now very large child to his back when the "child" suddenly started choking him and in a very deep, manly voice chanted "Put meh back where yuh find meh!" The man, eyes bulging, ran all the way back to the tree. On his way back, the thing reverted to it's original size and fell asleep when he placed it, once again, under the silk cotton tree.

That story used to scared the shit out of me. Still does every time I read it.

This particular superstition, I have heard many other stories about from family and friends who claim to have encountered them. My closest cousin, claimed to have seen one while going for a walk around the hills where she lives. She was passing a large stretch of grass, when she noticed a large straw hat moving about in them. She stopped and observed for a while, then (for what reason I don't know) called out to the "person". It stopped and looked around and she claimed to see nothing but a gaping mouth and then it started coming toward her. Of course she ran screaming all the way home and has never been back that way since.

Another claimed to have encountered it on the way home from school and it tried to draw him into the bushes. But he noticed it's backward feet and ran in the other direction.

Also here is a poem written by Lauren K. Alleyne

That's all for now.
Next week, the La Diablesse.

Credits for the definition go to Best Caribbean Holidays.

Hello Stranger.

2005-09-16T07:14:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how you can know someone for 5 years and not know a damn thing about them. Maintaining friendships, seeing them and talking to them almost everyday for two years, talking to them on the phone every once in a while and seeing and speaking them at almost every get together you have had for the past 3 years. You run in the same circles, you have the same friends, you have more or less the same interests... but you don't know squat about them.

But it takes one night, and instant messaging program and a bad incident and suddenly you see aspects of the person you never though existed. You are intrigued, shocked, surprized and relieved all at the same time. This person is more like you than you had ever dreamed. You see them in a new light and pat yourself on the back for knowing how to choose friends. This is a friend you intend to keep for life.

I will never divulge the information I was amazed and honoured to be privy too. But I had to write something. It was nice to Finally meet them. These are the moments I live for.

Honesty is no longer the best policy? I didn't get that memo.

2005-09-14T08:09:00.000-04:00

Forgive my idealism but where has honesty gone? Where have all the good people in this world disappeared to? Have they been shipped off to some newly discovered planet where entry is permissible only though genuine politeness or something?

I lost my cell phone last night. I am notoriously absentminded so I blame this on myself. I was sitting on a bench in front of a bank talking to my boyfriend. I had just texted someone and must have put it down beside me and forgot about it when we were on our way back home. I realized I missed it only 2 minutes later and hurried back to see if by some miracle of human nature it was still there. We were calling it frantically on the way back hoping someone would answer (now that I think of it, that was probably a stupid move as it would draw attention to it).

When we got there, there was no sign of it. Only a trio of people sitting on the other bench talking. One man in the trio looked very suspicious (Intuition or paranoia I know not what it was) as he had his hands firmly in his pocket looking very uncomfortable. My phone lights up and vibrates when rung. So there was one of two possibilities, (1) He was trying to hide the ringing phone in his pocket or (2) was pleasuring himself in public. Neither seemed palatable. Nonetheless, my boyfriend asked them if they saw the phone and we got the expected answer o "no".

We continued calling the phone hoping that the person was honest enough to answer but eventually they shut the phone off. Evil cocksuckers! I called again this morning and it rang only to be cut off by the third ring and completely shut off by the next call 5 seconds later. Apparently, they enjoyed raping my meager minutes the night before, well into the morning.

To add insult to injury, I called the phone company (TSTT), yes, we only have one right now and they enjoy flexing their monopolistic muscles with horrible service and astonishingly high prices. After spending more than an amalgamation of three hours on hold, listening to horrible music and repetitive advertisements, I finally was able to speak to an agent. Unfortunately, I was informed that since the phone was not under my name (it was given to me as a gift) I was unable to disconnect or even block outgoing calls! WTF! I am sure as hell not paying that bill the end of the month!

My conclusion to this story is a question. Where have all the honest people gone? Has honesty been outmoded by combativeness and the mentality of "survival of the fittest"? Are 'Good Samaritans" a myth? Should I hunt down the asshole that stole my phone and take an axe to them?

Trini Legends and Folklore

2005-09-10T12:21:00.000-04:00

For those of you who do not know, I am a Trinidadian (from Trinidad and Tobago in theCaribbean) and proud of it. Admittedly, I haven't really been giving much information on my country and it's culture, which as rich, beautiful and diverse as the island itself. So I am going to change that. Of course, you shouldn't expect my blog to turn into a Tourist Ad fro T&T. Far from it. In fact, I like talking about myself too much to change.

Anyway, to start I will share some of our local legends and superstitions with you. Actually just one today. If it solicits enough response I will make it a regular thing on Saturdays.

So the first is a legend called the Soucouyant (pronounced soo-coo-yah), or in Jamaica as Ol' Higue. Our version of the Vampire.

She is generally described as an old woman who lives alone at the end of the village road, seldom seen, her house always closed up as she sleeps away the day. She is said to have made a pact with the devil for eternal life. Her daylight exhaustion is well earned, however, for the Soucouyant's nights are sadly spent. In exchange for her longevity, she must shed her human skin each night and change into animal form, or that of her customary ball of fire.

While in her transformed state, she has the power to turn other people into animals, to increase the yield of crops, or make them wither. Before each night is over, though she must target one victim and suck out their life-force (or, blood depending on legends) to refresh her spirit for the next day. She must also slip back into her human skin before the cocks begin to crow the dawn. Should she be unable to return into her skin, she is trapped in her altered state without benefit of her powers during the daylight hours.

Her skin is usually hidden in bushes or trees or deposited into a mortar, and the myth goes on that if one fills the Soucouyant's skin with salt she will be unable to return into her flesh for a number of days, and even then it will cause her great pain and would likely scream "skin, kin, kin, you na no me, you na no me", she sings, crooning softly, pleading to the wrinkled, dreadful thing. "You na no me, old skin" as it (her skin) falls away from her and shrinks. Anyone foolish enough to do such a disservice to the Soucouyant, however is likely to find themselves turned into some manner of creepy, crawling creature before long, or, even more likely, as her meal the following night.

To reveal a Soucouyant, one must empty 100 lbs of rice at the village crossroads where she will be compelled to pick it up one grain at a time or beat her black and blue in her fiery state; the next morning she will be revealed as a severely bruised old woman.

So there you have it, our version of a Vampire with O.C.D.

What are the local legends of your country?

I'm a dirty Trini Skitzo that's pimping lesbians with camel toe.

2005-09-09T09:26:00.000-04:00

And I'm encouraging the perverts. These are the top 13 searches I have had recently. Oy vey!

"aversion to cleaning" psychology (Google)

amazing sex change (Yahoo)

girl voyeurs (Yahoo)

Katherine Moennig tattoo (MSN)

little skirt showing ass (MSN)

my camel toe is showing (MSN)

pic of sarah shahi (MSN)

skitzophrenic (MSN)

trinidad girl italian man relationship (Yahoo)

trinidadian slang (Yahoo)

true voyeurs (Yahoo)

VOUYERS (Yahoo)

young girls camel toe showing (Yahoo)

When birds attack

2005-09-08T22:23:00.000-04:00

I hate birds. Don't be decieved by their looks and the gentle way they are portrayed on television. That is nothing but false, malinformed propoganda. Birds are evil. They are noisy, agressive, annoying and they shit on you. I've been attacked and shat upon so many times it's dizzying. After being chased by a turkey at 5 years old, attacked by pigeons as a teenager and nearly impaled by vicious blackbirds, I really fucking hate 'em.

I got planted just today while talking to some of my friends in the most public place in Trinidad on the busiest time of day. Those winged bastards have no mercy. In Italy, that is supposed to be a good omen. To me, wiping seedy, sticky bird shit out of your newly washed hair is ... well... shitty. And the bastard, not the birds, just laughed at me. I saw red to say the least.

I am also in an ongoing battle with some brown doves that keep trying to take up residence in my house. Every few days they would fly into our large, usually open windows, fly around and shit on everything. Not stuff you can clean easily either. The really gross white and green piles of steaming bird crap. Everywhere. When you try to shoo them away they either fly straight at your face like the psychotic ones in "Birds" or face plant into the windows much like that Windex Commercial. They never seem to be able to tell which windows are open. Bloody idiots. The phrase birdbrain is definitely not a stereotype.

The fidelity of friendship: Moving up and moving on

2005-09-07T04:16:00.000-04:00

I'm not a loner or a hermit but I am a bit of a recluse when it comes to friends, these days especially. You know people who use the word associate and acquaintance to describe relationships, I'm one of them. To me, I have 1 boyfriend, 2 best friends, 2 very good friends, few associates and many acquaintances.

I'm the type of person that chooses friends for life rather than an unknown period of time. In my opinion, I am a pretty good judge of character and can sum up a personality after about 3 conversations. I'm like this because I am fickle with trust. I trust so easily to begin with, with no qualms or regrets, but if someone breaks my trust it is near impossible to regain.

I have had the same friends since the beginning of high school up till now. Some falling into oblivion on the way but resurfacing every once in a while. Some have gone away to college but we keep in touch. I never realized how attached I was to some of them until they left and moved on without me.

I always assumed that when this whole college thing was over that it would go right back to the way it was before. I've lied to myself worse before so it felt credible. I always thought that it would be the way it was in Secondary school. Doing everything and nothing at the same time. Sharing lives, the way we used to. At one point, we knew everything about each other. So close it was almost intuitive. No words we necessary. The three of us, I thought were inseparable. Like I said. I lied to myself worse before.

I never realized how much I clung to that friendship. Needing it like the living need air. I deluded myself into thinking we would be this way forever. That even if our lives did go separate ways we could always pick up where we left off as though it never changed. As though we were still the same people we were back then. Now I wonder if they've moved on or moved up.

You know that friend you've had before you could remember. The one who is always reminiscing about the good times you had. What is was like before. How great things were. The friend that was stuck in that time capsule. Whenever you talk to them, it a continuous walk down memory lane and you feel like they don't add anything new to your life. The friendship is stuck and boring like a stick in the mud. Yeah?? Well, I'm that friend.

Everyone around me is doing new things, leading new lives... Getting somewhere. Doing all the things that I would love to do. Living life. Adding to themselves. Whenever they need a fix of the "good old times" they come to me. Whenever they need a tether to the life they had: Time Capsule friend is there. Quite possibly, a necessary evil.

I know nothing about my friends anymore. Well, I know stuff about them. I know what they are doing with their lives and sometimes everyday activity. But I know nothing of their character anymore. They've all grown without me and I'm still a shrub amidst trees. The little sapling that could. Loyal to the end. The one that's easy to leave behind while they all move up and on.

Dammit, now I've gone and depressed myself.

Katrina post.

2005-09-06T13:57:00.000-04:00

I am trying very, very hard to stay mum on the tragedy and the controversy it has uncovered. I am doing very well so far but I'm not so sure how long it will last.

Until then, See Steve Rant. He articulated it the best way possible.

Alas

2005-09-06T09:31:00.000-04:00

I have changed my template once again, for the 6th time this year. Got it at Francey.Org. Great site for linkware designs for the HTML hopeless like myself.

Let me know what you think. Still some editing to be done.

Extracurricular activities for the overworked, underpaid , dissatisfied and homicidal employee

2005-09-03T19:19:00.000-04:00

Postal Workers need not apply.

Finally an outlet for the anger.

I especially love the little panic button on the side.

I know they said Cat Woman was a shitty movie

2005-09-03T18:58:00.000-04:00

But DAMN!!!!

I'm feeling generous

2005-09-03T11:37:00.000-04:00

Here are some links to videos I like. All Rock today just cause I'm in that kinda mood.

Freak on a Leash-Korn
Did My Time - Korn
Crawling - Linkin Park
Somewhere I Belong- Linkin Park
Faint- Linkin Park
Place in my head (live) -Linkin Park
Wait and Bleed- Slipknot
Down with the Sickness- Disturbed
Push it- Static X
Toxicity- System of a Down
BYOB- System of a Down
Chop Suey- System of a Down

Commercial they may be, but I love them anyway.

Enjoy.

Mind Fuck.

2005-08-27T18:56:00.000-04:00

So I am scheduled (or as you Americans say : Skeduled) to see the school psychiatrist again, on Thursday coming, to find out if I need to be put to mood stabilizers aka Zoloft. I was given 2 months to come out of my trauma induced depression, without the aid of pharmaceuticals, and I think I've done pretty well. Well, minus the bout of moodiness and sudden tears that I blame soundly on PMS that is.

So once again I get to go sit in her office (hole in the wall at my tiny college) and see how long it takes her to get me to burst into tears talking about my dsyfunctional childhood and idiot father. The past two occasions it took less than 10 minutes, this time I'm going for the record.

Talking about the idiot father, he has suddenly decided to go back to being Daddy again. This of course includes me baby sitting his illegitimate son, also known as my little half brother. If this is what it means to be at some kind of unspoken truce between the both of us, well, mostly him, I think I'd rather the long, awkward silences and grunts of acknowledgement.

My little brother is 8 years old. Born in the midst of marital strife between my parents and right at the beginning of my adolesence. So not only was it, "Oh my god, I'm getting breasts, acne and armpit hair". It was also "Here K, look after the little brother I got for you that you mother didn't bear, doesn't know about and wouldn't care to know... so let's keep it a secret and lie to her at all costs." Let's just say my teenage years weren't the best I could have had. Still isn't considering I'm only one year over that hill.

It was really interesting how I came to know the little illegitimate munchkin. Basically, I had a Solar System project to do at my best friend's house and I was just leaving a great weekend at my cousin's house. My father had called and said he was outside waiting for me to take me to that friend's house and said that I should hurry outside. So I packed my bags in haste, said a rushed goodbye to my cousins and their dogs and ran outside to my father's Datsun Bluebird.

I see my father (who is also a karate sensei) and his friend (another sensei) in the car. My father smiles at me and I get into the backseat. I put my bags down and see an empty carseat in the back. Confused but indifferent, I take my favorite position in the car (kneeling on the seat with my arms around the driver's headrest), I see a small infant in my father's friend's arms. I gasp and proceed to ooh and aah at the baby. To my surprise, daddy lets me hold the baby in the backseat. So feeling like a "big girl", I sit back stiffly but responsibly in the seat and hold the baby in my protective 11 year old arms. Then the questions start.

Me: "Sensei R (my dad's friend) is this your baby?"
Sensei R: *uncomfortable silence* "No, K. It isn't"
Me: Oh ok.
*pause*
Me: Who's is it then?
Daddy: It's yours honey.
Me: *puzzled* *eyebrow cocks* Haha Daddy I didn't have a baby.
Daddy: *His eyes fixated on the road before him* No K, you didn't. I had one.
Me: *matter-of-factly* Boys can't have babies Daddy. Stop being silly.
Daddy: It's your brother dear.
Me: What are you talking about? My mother didn't have a baby? Did we adopt one?
Daddy: No we didn't. And I know your mother didn't make one. But it's your brother.
Me: Oh ok. If you say so. Who made him then?
Daddy: Another lady.
Me: Who is not my mother?
Daddy: *silence*
Me: Right?
Daddy: Yes.
Me: Does mummy know this?
Daddy: No. And we won't tell her okay. She'll get mad at us and it would hurt her.
Me: *silence*
Daddy: Ok.
Me: Ok Daddy. *thinks* (I so don't get this)

I am sincerely beginning to think my father is the reason why I am such a good liar today.

Thanks Dad.

New Semester, new complex.

2005-08-26T10:15:00.000-04:00

So Classes start on September 5 this semester. I get to deal with ditzy cheerleader types, self proclaimed intellectuals and wannabe frat boys. Needless to say I will resume my role of selective outcast once again. This should be very interesting to say the least.

I am registered for 4 courses this semester: Effective communication, Financial Accounting, Politics and Psychology. All I have to say is "Woe" for the people who have to deal with me for the next 12 weeks. Especially my mother. She gets the brunt of everything that involves my untrained psycho-analysis. Now I have text to back it up. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I hate this time of year though. When vacation ends, best friends leave for college abroad (bye Tish) and a brand new batch of rich brats to sift through. I could definitely do without it. Right now, I am trying to get my textbooks situation sorted out. After paying an arm and a leg in tuition fees, I now get to offer my maimed body to bookstores so I can actually get the stuff I need to learn something. Thank God for government grants.

Ciao!

2005-08-17T21:45:00.000-04:00

Out of pure curiosity and Khristalness, I have decided to give myself a culture shock and learn Italian. It is totally impulsive and will probably last for a week at most, but I must commend myself on my fervor. So far I have spent the last two hours scrounging around the Internet, browsing free tutorial sites and picking up phrases and learning verb forms.

This has happened before with many a thing, namely anything to do with exercise and deeding, or dance classes or planning to read 20 books this summer, or cleaning the house. I start out as a fall of energy, bouncing off the walls with childish enthusiasm, the next thing you know, I get distracted by... Oh, I don't know, an insect on the wall, a television show, a mischievous boyfriend. And POOF! I forget all about it and move onto something else, leaving trails of my last escapade scattered on the floor for the world to see. I am seriously beginning to worry about me having A.D.D. I am actually surprised this blog has lasted for as long as it has. (More than a year. YAY ME!)

Anyway, my new obsession has taken hold and I intend to satisfy this linguistic craving. Tomorrow I plan to go buy one of those tutorial cds and listen and learn to my heart's content... for a week. Then it's back to being fickle me again. You see what boredom and an "Under the Tuscan Sun" DVD can do to you? And they say children are the impressionable one. HA!

Arrivederci!

Sarah McLachlan- Fallen

2005-08-15T22:48:00.000-04:00

sarah mclachlin - fallen

- Get More Music Videos @ MusicFeet.com

Girl Crush

2005-08-12T08:04:00.000-04:00

I have a confession to make.

I have the HUGEST crush on the following 3 women. No, I am not gay or bi-sexual, I just think that they are fucking hot!

1) Katherine Moennig.

She plays Shane, the resident philanderer, on the L-Word. She has this amazing androgynous style that, to be completely honest, makes me weak in the knees. Even her voice gives me shivers.. Damn.

2) Sarah Shahi.

Another Member of the L-Word cast, a more recent addition. She plays Carmen, a DJ (I haven't seen the show for quite a while so I'm not too sure of her actual role). She is just plain gorgeous. And that tattoo (that I'm not sure is real) that she has on the show around her hips leaves me speechless. Also on the show there was this amazing sex scene in a recording both between "Carmen" and "Shane" that seriously had me questioning my sexuality.

3) And Last but not least: Lucy Liu.

She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Asian or otherwise. to cut a long story short.... If given the chance.. I'd hit it!

I'm am positive I am not the only heterosexual woman with a crush on another woman and according to this article I am right.

So... who are your Girl Crushes?

Oh my God!! I can see the floor.

2005-08-12T07:22:00.000-04:00

I am a notorious packrat. So much so, I still have little bits and pieces of paper and other such trinkets from 15 years ago... what's even worse about that is, my family moved from our olf house 5 years ago and I still brought the junk with me. Also, I have a huge aversion to cleaning. It's not like I don't like to do it...okay, yes it is.... but I'd have to be in a particular mood to clean and an even better mood to clean properly. Let's put it this way, I've been depressed for four months and my room reflected my mood.

After much gentle cajoling (yelling and screaming) from my parental unit, I'm 20 year old college student, yes I'm still living with the 'rents, namely my mother who is a notorious neat freak and perfectionist (must have gotten my cleaning allergy from my father) I forced myself to batten down the hatches and enter the carnage Hurricane Moody had left behind. There were weeks of unwashed clothes on the floor, paper strewn everywhere, at least four inches of dust on my ceiling fan (which has NEVER been cleaned) and some mysterious stains behind my bed. Needless to say, it should have been quarantined.

It took 8 hours to clean, top to bottom. But it's finally clean. I got rid of everything: old papers, movie ticket stubs, my old pet cheese...everything. Now, it's gleaming and, well, bare. I never realized I had so much space to spare on my shelves. The barreness is highly disturbing. So I'm going to find some new knick knacks to fill the void soon because I need my clutter, dammit. Should be fun to go shopping for my room... I may even end up redecorating. Nice!

I'm against Homophobia.

2005-08-12T00:07:00.000-04:00

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Please repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

Say No to Camel toe

2005-08-08T20:20:00.000-04:00

If there is one thing In the world I hate seeing is a Canyon Crotch. For God's Sake people wear pants that fit... Not ones that ride up all the way to your throat. Or, for the more economically conscious PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN!

Apparently no one is safe from the wrath of the Camel toe.

Women

Men

Even Celebrities are afflicted with the horrific toe.

There are even websites dedicated to the Curse of the Toe: The Camel Toe Report is one of them

And here is the product that is responsible for it all.
Product of the day

2005-08-06T20:10:00.000-04:00

God I miss the beach. Here is a pic of Maracas beach, one of Trinidad's most popular beaches.

Just keep Swimming

2005-08-06T19:59:00.000-04:00

JEEZ! I need to go to the beach. I haven't gone in almost a year and I live on an island for Chrissakes. What I wouldn't do for a day of warm sand between my toes, salty breezes and some Maracas bake and shark (don't knock it 'till you've tried it).
The pic above this post is of Maracas beach. Ain't it gorgeous?

I actually found a recipe for it online at Caribseek.com

Bake and Shark

Shark Preparation

Ingredients:

Juice from 1 lime
1 pound shark meat, cut into pieces about 3 or 4 inches long and 1 inch wide
1 teaspoon minced garlic
2 tablespoons minced chives or green onion tops
1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups flour seasoned with salt and pepper
Vegetable oil for frying

Method:
Sprinkle the lime juice over the shark meat and let sit for 5 minutes. Combine the garlic, chives, thyme, and salt and mix well.
Rinse the shark with water and dip the pieces first in the spicy mixture and then in the flour, coating them well.
Fry the shark, a few pieces at a time, in the hot oil, turning often, for about 12 minutes. Drain on paper towels and serve wrapped in Bakes..
Sprinkle the shark-and-bake with your favorite hot sauce.

Variation:
The shark can be marinated for 2 hours in a mixture of lime juice, onion, garlic, thyme, and minced Congo pepper.

Bake Preparation

Ingredients:

2 cups flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
½ cup butter
1 teaspoon sugar
Water
Vegetable oil for frying

Method:
Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Add the shortening and sugar, and mix with a fork. Add enough water to make a dough and knead gently. Cut the dough into 4 to 6 pieces (depending on how large you want the bakes to be) and roll each piece into a ball. Let stand for a few minutes.

Flatten the balls of dough until they are about ¼ inch thick, and fry in hot oil until they are brown. Remove and drain on paper towels.

Enjoy.

Another small dose of me

2005-08-05T23:23:00.000-04:00

10 more things about me.

I love Green Gummi Bears
I have a thing for men with accents
I had my first kiss at 18.
I am the person my friends come to for advice.
I have 6 pitbulls
I think David Beckham is the sexiest metrosexual alive.
My favorite body part on a man is his neck and shoulders.
I love Janeane Garofalo
I still think she is the inspiration for Daria
I love Japanese anime and go to the festivals. (no I am not a fan girl, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Now that I got that out of my system

2005-08-05T16:37:00.000-04:00

I can move on to other more positive things.

I've gone on sabattical from the internet, so all those porn sites and forums will have to do without my patronage for a little while. I've decided I need to get out of my house and into ....errr life I guess. Being holed up in my room isn't going to make things any better. Besides, my ass is getting wider sitting on my chair for so long every day. My mother says it's all that crap I eat... I beg to differ.

Went surfing today came across a couple good blogs(yes I do know this counts as being on the internet.... one step at a time, people, one step at a time) .

Diary of a Lesbian Guinea Pig- Dating rodent style. Think of it as Sex in the City or the L-Word... but the women are hairier.
Shitty Blogs Club- Well, it's pretty much alternately self-explanatory.

It's Friday.. which should be celebrated by itself. But considering I'm a bum and it's just like any other day of the week for me, I'll celebrate for you poor slobs that had to go to work today.

That's all for now people. Have fun this weekend.

One of those days

2005-08-05T09:47:00.000-04:00

I've been trying my best not to write those deep, introspective posts lately. Mostly in an attempt not to depress myself with what I write or to find out what is really on my mind. In truth and in fact I've been living on the surface of my brain for the last few weeks, trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong and trying hard not to overanalyze and internalize. Gives a new meaning to the word "shallowness', doesn't it? I have also been trying to maintain a bit of detatchment and a sense of anonymity which I will probably still keep but this shit is personal. *sigh*

The truth is, I haven't spoken to my father for four months. Ever since April, when he banged my mother's head against the wall, hit me and threatened to kill my boyfriend with a small sickle he keeps by his bed (he's a sensei and uses it for martial arts purposes), for defending us. After he verbally slandered my reputation in front of the entire neighbourhood and to his friends over the phone. After he lied blatantly to the police about what really went down and my mother took it like a weak woman that I never suspected her to be. Can you believe he is still here? In this house after what he did? I knew my father was an asshole but never to this degree. This isn't the first time this happened. He has the temper of a rabid dog. Why my mother doesn't leave is beyond me. I begged her on numerous occassions to go but she wouldn't budge and the only reason I am still here is because of her. That day in April was the longest day of my life.

I really can't talk about it much anymore. Usually, I don't let it affect me in that way and as much as it has. I am disowned now and supposedly no longer have ties with him. Yet he's still here. Under the same roof. And he doesn't seem to think that what he did was wrong. Honestly, the day my father apologizes it will be a cold day in hell.

My mother wants me to forgive him. HA! Like that will ever happen. How can I? I may consider it if he apologizes, ten thousand times over and proceeds to remove himself completely from my life as there is nothing good to come from a continued relationship with him. And I do mean Consider. Nothing more, nothing less. If I have learned one thing from him, that is how to be relentless. Other than that, FAT CHANCE.

I find this to be the hardest thing to admit. Being a victim of domestic violence. The domestic violence part of it is hard enough... but the victim part is the most hurtful. I hate being vulnerable. I hate people seeing my soft underside. I hate being taken advantage of and no one is able to do it unless I let them get close. Probably the reason why I have shut so many people out of my life since.

40 things

2005-08-04T11:34:00.000-04:00

40 things about me.... Just cause I was too lazy to do 100. Ok ok! I'm just not that interesting.

I have a weird accent, most likely the by product of my Catholic School beginnings
I am outrageously moody
I don't eat rice on Sundays
I used to be really into Romance novels. REALLY into them.
This is the 20th time I am attempting this list
I am a procrastinator of the worst sort
I have a weakness for Cheesecake
I'm a bit of a hypochondriac...Though I hate doctors.
I did a self test for skitzophrenia once and got 9 out of 10... The aliens haven't attacked my brain since.
I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life
My parents are separated and are still living in the same house
They have been in the process of a divorce for 8 years
I can be very messy
I love watching unusual movies like Punch Drunk Love and Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless mind
I love musicals.
I have an accessory fetish
My favorite body part are my eyes.. That's the only thing on me that can't put on weight
I can be inherently lazy
I love God but am skeptical about religion
I am the most complicated person I know
I am terrified of rejection
I write poetry
I love rainy days.. They seem peaceful to me
I was a Backstreet Boys fan for many years. STFU.
I am afraid of failure
I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression
I am pursuing a degree in Business Administration but I want to branch out into Marketing and/or Child Pyschology
I am a HUGE LOTR (Lord of the Rings fan)
I met my boyfriend on the Internet... not a dating site though. I'm not that desperate.
I used to do karate as a child. My father is a sensei.
I have never really been in a fist fight with anyone
"I don't fight.. I beat bitches up"
I suck at dancing
I sing Show tunes in the shower
I do voices (which annoys the hell out of Mr.S)
I love romantic comedies with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
I can't sleep without a fan or a/c
I am an avid gamer
I am an insomniac of the worst sort.
I would give my right arm for ten minutes with Johnny Depp. That pretty boy can do no wrong not to mention he's a great actor.

Haiku to you too

2005-08-04T10:04:00.000-04:00

Ode to a cockblocker
Your phonecalls ruined the mood
Damn you cockblocker.

Yes.. I'm still mad about it. *grumble*

Mr. S and me

2005-08-02T23:27:00.000-04:00

I spent the day with Mr. S yesterday and last Wednesday. We haven't been completely alone like that since April. We spent most of the day on his bed watching movies. I missed that. I missed him.

I almost threw my cell phone out the window on Wednesday though I had forgotten to take off my phone and people kept fucking calling. Bloody COCK BLOCKERS!

ARRGH!

I may be skitzophrenic but at least I have each other.

2005-07-30T10:13:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen.... I have come to the conclusion that I am crazed as hell. Being the Mad Scientist of self-analysis and countless hours of research on what was wrong with me, I have compiled a list of very possible neuroses that I may be afflicted with.

But if I write them all out today this entry will be WAAAAAY too long. So I hereby dub every Saturday from now on: Skitzo Saturday.

(1) Bi- Polar Disorder:

Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. It is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person's mood can alternate between the "poles" mania (highs) and depression (lows). This change in mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days weeks or months.

Some symptoms for Mania:

Increased physical and mental activity and energy (this happens once in a blue moon considering that most of the time my brain cells are not in functional condition)
Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence (I'm the only person that seems to think that I'm a celebrity)
Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior ( yeah, I can be a bitch sometimes.)
Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue (What is this word...sleep?)
Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance (*scoffs* I already said I'm a star)
Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas. (whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout....I E-NUN-CI-ATE!!!!)
Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility (I like being Im- OOOOOH cute rabid dog..Come here, Foamy, come here)
Reckless behavior (see above)
In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations ( I thought this had to do with me being High all the time.)

Well I've already been diagnosed with the depression part by a real psychologist. But we'll go through it just for the hell of it.

Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells ( What do you mean I already saw that movie?... *waaaaaaaaahhhhhh*)
Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns ( Monday: Food is for wusses, Wednesday: *GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE* *BURP*)
Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety (.....let's not go there)
Pessimism, indifference (Life sucks...but who cares)
Loss of energy, persistent lethargy (Press the button on the remote will ya, yeah, the one in my hand.)
Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal ( look... people are weird. Nuff said)
Unexplained aches and pains (that's funny, I thought I had an orgy in my sleep... this is a lot less adventurous)
Recurring thoughts of death or suicide ( yeah, well. I'm too much of a coward to inflict pain anyway)

I'm very fickle

2005-07-30T00:57:00.000-04:00

So this is yet another layout change... the pink one was annoying the hell out of me. It was one huge girly MESS. This one I did mostly on my own and I am proud of it considering this is the first time I have ever played around with my layouts this much. Anyways, it's still pretty much under construction, I'm trying to add a logo and stuff to it but let me know what you think so far.

Blogging Etiquette

2005-07-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

On a random Google patronage (I do that ever so often) came across a guide to Blogging Etiquette on dsng.net. Being the polite blogger that I am I decided to see if I belonged in the oh-so-civilized blogging community.

My comments are in blue. That my Happy Color *bats eyelashed*

Since there's been much talk about blogging properly, here's my easy guide for n00bies on blogging etiquette:

Always bow before you blog. Hmmm.... I have a bad back....could be tricky

When you blog, do remember that the knife goes in the right hand, and the fork in the left. EGAD! I blog with my BARE HANDS! I'm such a brute!

Always end your posts with "thank you, it's been wonderful talking to all of you. Godspeed."
What? F*ck off asshat doesn't work?

Polite bloggers NEVER use the words "asshat" or "aardvark". Whether "sexy motherf***er" can be said in polite company remains a matter of much contention. Particularly on the question of how to pronounce asterisks. *gasp* Oh FUCK!

The proper way to end a first blog is with a little kiss. No tongue. *cops a feel*

And, especially, no tongue down there. *raises head* What?!? Blasphemy!!!!

Remember, if you forget which keys to use, a simple little memory trick is that you should start from the outside and work your way inside. Hence, posts like "poiuy!" are the height of decorum. *blink*..... You learn something new every day huh.

When someone visits your blog, be sure to offer drinks. That I do! *Absinthe for EVERYBODY*

If you are a male blogger and said visitor is female, please remember to raise your hat when the visitor enters your blog. I'm a female... Do I get to raise my skirt?

Yes, you must have a hat. Trojans okay?

Thank you. It's been wonderful talking to all of you. Godspeed.

Hmmm... ALL in all..I'm a very crude blogger... Yay for me but at least I keep my elbows off the table when I eat...*very unpolite wink*

New look, same old me.

2005-07-27T01:56:00.000-04:00

Life has been hectic recently. I'm feeling kinda lazy so basically this post will consist of excerpts from my slightly more private blog that few others know about.

And how does that make you Feel

Appointment number 2 with the psychologist with Mums in tow. Was dreading it for weeks but had to finally bite the bullet today. It was horrific as one would expect some kind of family counseling to be. A bloodbath of raw emotion and accusation. Bleh.

I felt like I was being attacked from both sides as the good ole doctor did the worst thing she could EVER do.... Side with my mother. Every other word my mum said she agreed with. WTF!!! I'm the one who's side you should be on... in fact... you are supposed to be the mediator and remain neutral! DAMMIT MAN! Thank you so much for arming my mother with even more psychobabble and overanalysis than she already has in her arsenal.

Woe is me.

Shitty day. Need a hug and some Hagen Daaz.

Fuck man. Just when things seemed to be getting better

Getting Better

I'm almost afraid to speak too soon but life seems to be getting better. Things still aren't going my way but I'm content for now. I haven't had a moment like that in ages so I'm holding on to it as much as I possibly can.

I've realized that happiness isn't that huge cloud of elation that people wait for endlessly wishing to be enveloped in an almost tangible utopia. And they die hopelessly unfulfilled. Rather, it is in a collection of little moments and personal triumphs, where you will find you happiness and serenity. I've started living in those moments and it seems to be working so far.

It feels great to rediscover my passions again.

Rediscovering my inner child and my thoughts on the Half blood Prince

Finished the Half Blood Prince today. Can't wait for Book 7. I am amazed at the depth this book reached though. It wasn't your regular run of the mill Harry Potter Book. Which is probably why I loved it so much.

WOW!

This book had some seriously disturbing undertones. It read very much like a psychological thriller and I absolutely loved it. It seemed like a "Fellowship of the Ring" type book to me, linking all the other books and setting the stage for Book 7.

Voldemort is an even more disturbed individual than I originally thought. Splitting your soul into seven pieces not something your run of the mill villain would do. J.K dig real deep with this one.

I had to put down the book for a good hour when I find out AD died. Tears for so oui.
But then again Kill or be killed are some devious odds to go up against. I suppose Dumbledore expected it and prepared himself for it duly. It was still very sad to see him go.

Real hookups in the book for real. Not surprised by Harry and Ginny (Peter and Mary Jane all over again?) I find Ron and Hermione real sticking though. Fleur really redeemed herself at the end of course. But the hookup of the year was Tonks and Remus.

J.K really took this one to the dark side and back oui. I am trying very hard not to speculate on what the last one will bring.

After this J.K better bring out a Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts University eh! I can't take the finale blow twice... LOTR was more than enough.

Moving on the Chronicle of Narnia series now. Anticipating good things from it. SO far I'm up to #7 in my 20 books for the summer goal. The Narnia series will make it 14.

I kept a promise today. That felt good. I'm happy

Plus size shopping in Trinidad

Hear nah...shopping in Trinidad, if you are a bit bigger than the average, is forking hell. Some stores need to shove the "plus sizes available" sign in their window down their bloody throats and choke on them... because the clothing is either 1) the ugliest piece of crap I have ever seen... it makes me think they want to drape me in rejected clown outfits and bury me in a linen hell.... or 2) there was a major accident in the sizing label part of the factory and the XLs are actually XS. I'm not sure if they expect me to buy two of each article of clothing and sew them together so that they can actually be pulled over my boobs or over my hips and thighs.. but either way.. it is pure unadulterated bullshit.

So that is basically my life since then. I'll start writing again consistently from tomorrow... Hopefully.. No promises. But until then... Enjoy my art.

Also... Let me know if you like the new template.

Hmmmm...I r an idealist

2005-07-26T00:09:00.000-04:00

Summary of Idealists

Make sense of the world using inner values
Focus on personal growth and the growth of others
Think of themselves as bright, forgiving and curious
May sometimes appear stubborn

More about Idealists

Idealists put time and energy into developing personal values that they use as a guide through life. They may seek fulfilment by helping others improve themselves and often want to make the world a better place. Idealists only share their inner values with people they respect.

Idealists are the most likely group to say they are vegetarian, according to a UK survey.

Idealists enjoy discussions about a wide range of topics, particularly those that deal with the future. They are typically easy-going and flexible, but if their values are challenged they may refuse to compromise.

In situations where they can’t use their talents or are unappreciated, Idealists may have trouble expressing themselves and withdraw. Under extreme stress, Idealists may become very critical of others, or lose confidence in their own ability to cope.

Recognition for their work is important to Idealists; however, they are also good at spotting false praise.

Idealist Careers

Idealists are often drawn to jobs where they can help people reach their potential. They are also attracted to careers that allow artistic creativity

Long time no see

2005-07-14T20:09:00.000-04:00

Today was a good day. I haven't had one of those for while. It felt awesome, like I'm getting back into my old self again. I don't know if it was the fact that Trinidad and Tobago has yet again evaded another natural disaster.. Thank God!, but my mood was lifted along with the Hurricane warnings.

I excersized today, completely surprising myself by running on my trusty old treadmill for a good half hour.. without stopping and not even really feeling tired. Just pumped full of delicious endorphins. I ache but I ache sooo good. The hour's soak in the bubblebath did wonders for my mood as well. I even cooked which happens once in a blue moon. I feel so good right now I'm almost scared that something or someone will upset me and then it will be a fast crash into the depression again. But for now.. I feel great and that's all that matters. Now all I'm missing is my boyfriend.... Hmmmmmm.

Terrorism in Trinidad: Copycats strike

2005-07-12T22:21:00.000-04:00

I would never have suspected that my little country with a population of approximately 1.5 million people would EVER have to deal with random acts of terror.

Read the story here, here, and here.

As if that wasn't bad enough... some callous, insensitive pricks were calling all over the capital city with bomb scares. WHAT THE FUCK is this country coming to? As if the kidnappings and high murder rate wasn't bad enough. I am scared and completely and utterly speechless.

The politicians aren't missing a beat though. They are already at each others throats once again instead of trying to find a solution to this country's weakened state.

2005-07-12T19:56:00.000-04:00

I have no idea who the artist is... But this is beautiful.

Pharmaceutical Happiness

2005-07-08T13:28:00.000-04:00

I always thought something was wrong with me... But I didn't know just how bad it was until yesterday. Lately I've been really isolated and unhappy (to say the least). I've had no energy, no appetite and no social life. I basically shut most of the people I considered close friends out and was and still am living in a cloistered existence.

I've been missing a lot of class.. Not because I was physically sick but I just couldn't muster the energy to get up and go. It was horrible. And I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. I mean... I knew but wouldn't acknowledge that that was the reason for it. That my failed relationship with my father had affected me so deeply.

There was a thread posted on a forum I visit often on Father's Day. I can't remember the name exactly but It had something to do with how your father had affected your life. I was going to post and had written and re-written it over and over again but inevitably deleted all I had written. I couldn't face it then and probably still can't now and in case you hadn't noticed.. this blog is devoid of a Father's day tribute.

My father has made my life a living hell. I hate to say that someone has such an effect on me and I'm not sure how accurate that statement is but that is the closest I can get to the truth. Actually, if I want to be politically correct I can say "My father has introduced situation in my life that have made my life a living hell" but screw politically correct.

Up to this day I could never muster the courage to tell him how much he has hurt me. How badly I have been affected by his actions and reactions. How daunted I feel by him and how much I wish I could hate him without feeling guilty about it. I despise feeling this vulnerable, feeling like I can't cope with everyday life because of a shitty situation. *sigh* Anyway, that is not the reason for this post.

In an attempt to regain control over my life. I took the initiative and went to see the school counselor. It took me a week to gather the courage to even make the appointment and even more to actually show up for the session. It took all of 15 minutes to go in, start talking, burst into tears (which I HATE doing in front of people I don't know) and be diagnosed with clinical depression. Like I didn't see that coming. I was advised to take the rest of the Semester off and restart again in September. I was also told that I would need to go in for an "official" psychiatric evaluation to be prescribed with antidepressants. OH JOY!!! Dysfunction #5675 is on the brink. Lovely.

What I find incredibly humorous about this situation is that when she told me that I have to go for the evaluation she said Oh so sweetly.."It's not because you're crazy". LOL How can you be so sure? *facial tick*

Ahh the Joys of Zoloft.

On the verge of a breakdown

2005-07-06T14:44:00.000-04:00

So for my own sanity I won't be posting until further notice. Thanks to all those who read my blog...all 10 of you lol. Hopefully I' be back soon. But until then. Bye.

Wearing thin

2005-06-29T23:00:00.000-04:00

There are some things going on in my life I can't make sense of anymore. Some things I'm not proud of, some things I regret, some things I wish I could change. Admittedly, my flair for the melodramatic makes these things a bit more prominent than they should or could be but that's life.

I am honestly tired of using the phrase "That's just me." I've realized I've used it as a defense mechanism when someone points out my faults (or rather reinforces the fear of them). I'm resistant to change. I don't fear it but I fight tooth and nail to keep things stable. Most change has brought nothing but pain. I've had too much of that. Someone told me today that I have sad eyes. They said I have an old soul and have been through more than I should at my age. That there was a wealth of emotion hidden somewhere in them. Apparently it wasn't hidden well enough.

How much of a threshold for sorrow do I have? I feel like I've been pushed to the edge and back and my resilience is wearing thin. Unnervingly so. Alarmingly so. Uncomfortably so. I am more vulnerable now than I have ever been and I hate that.

On a positive note. I've been writing again. Poetry, mostly. Not often...But it feels so good to let some of it out. I have found my passion for prose again as well. It's been a long time since I have smiled a genuine smile to myself. I hope that I am finally on the road to recovery and I can find some solace again.

Just like P.Diddy would do

2005-06-28T21:50:00.000-04:00

It's about time for that shameless plug. I am going to showcase one of my poems here if you like it you can check out the rest at my other blog ~Stranger to the Sunrise~

Slice of Heaven

There you go with that slice of heaven in an open palm again
Plucked from the clouds with nothing but your sweet words
The raindrops you gather in your hands dear
Fall from my eyes, onto my cheeks and flow to my lips
The one and the same from which you tasted my essence
That pair of clairvoyant flesh that lets me know
That lets me show
You
My hopes, my dreams my aspirations
So much more that it seems
A dream, a dream, a vision, a word
One word One word, One touch One Love.

You approach
With my slice of heaven in your arms again
Fragrant and calming like the sea at sunrise
Those waves encircle and sedate me
Allowing me too stay in the break of dawn forever
To pluck the fruit of eden and know what lies ahead
To know what lies ahead
To see what lies ahead
To revel in what lies ahead

You whisper
A breath of that slice of heaven from your mouth again
Believing in my tears again and shedding all my tears again
You took that burden from my shoulders
You made it yours to carry to the end
Alongside me
Always with me
Even in my dreams
Even in my little slice of heaven

K.N.G.

Leave me a comment and tell me what you think. :-)

Where do we go from here?

2005-06-27T11:18:00.000-04:00

It's happening again. That horrible state of indecision and lack of direction. I officially once again have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Talk about being up a bloody creek without a paddle. Right now I am pursuing a baccalaureate in Business Administration and was also pursuing an associates degree in Culinary Management concurrently. The latter has gone up in smoke as I have bee disowned by the person who was paying for that. How Convenient. The BBA is still going strong though but I have no idea why I am still doing it. It's interesting and all but I was initially doing this as a substitute for what I thought and still think I want to do which is Hospitality Management.

Firstly, I had my eye on a foreign education complete with internship and study abroad facilities. I have gotten none of these. I am still stuck in Trinidad settling for Roytec. Which is a good school, I guess, but it's not where I want to be. I had put so much faith on going away, making my own way, living life on my terms, getting my education and traveling. But, no. still stuck in the mediocre.

I have a few other options in mind as possible majors. Psychology and Marketing. Not sure about either and am still doing research in the fields but without resources it sill seems hopeless. *sigh* I feel like I am rambling so I will stop now until I make sense to myself and possibly to you.

Dull Ache

2005-06-26T11:26:00.000-04:00

I've had this throbbing headache on the right side of my brain for days now. Incessantly. A painful, pulsating, constant ringing in my ears as well. I've been unable to function and focus because of this. There are so many things plauging my mind now adding to the dull ache. Intensifying it almost. The most prevalent of which is the question: Where do I go from here?

BOTB

2005-06-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

Battle of the Bits (sorry for the disappointment, BE people) *snicker snicker*

So I had my first bellydancing class on Wednesday night. Yes, you heard me right... Belly dancing. Why? Because it's a new hobby and I need to drag my lazy ass away from my torrid love affair with my computer... That's why.

Anyway, so like I was saying, I had my first belly dancing class the other night. And boy are my hips tired. With all the "undulating" and "gyrating" I had to do it was totally understandable. Two f my best friends Tia and Tish were there too... It's sort of a subconscious let's-do-an-activity together thing to keep us close before everyone goes their separate ways once the summer is over thing.

Now Tia... Tia is an advanced bellydancer... who'dathunk. She taught herself with the aid of a belly dancing DVD and pure .. I don't know what to call it... errr... Passion for the dance (yeah, that sounds about right). Tia's also slim, tall, elegant and has an ass that looks like two cantaloupes are stuck to her tail bone. I mean DAMN! But it looks good on her.. Make no mistake. She has a Beyonce type thing going for her as much as she hates to admit it. This girl was moving and shaking like her hips were isolated from the rest of her body, I think she was showing off a bit though because the class was a beginner's class and she is in the advanced class on Tuesdays.

As for Tish, she was on her second bellydancing class. She was on her old college's dance team and was stretching like she was in yoga class during the warm up. I mean full splits and amateur contortionism. I had no idea she could do all that. She was also pretty good, very professional and picked up on the choreography extremely quickly.

The rest off the class was made up of slender women ranging from 18-40 ( I assume) and everyone looks like they are in really good shape.

Then, there's me. A Self conscious Amazon with an overlapping six pack and back fat (I loathe my back fat) in a sleeveless shirt and her mother's yoga pants that look like capris on me (due to my height) because I haven't worked out in so long and have no "gym wear". I was confident enough in the beginning.. Thinking how bad could this be. Of course, I was expecting the stereotypical belly rolling and snake arms.. Nothing spectacular. Thinking I could do a lil trini wine and get away with it, I wasn't too bothered. Boy was I wrong. There was shaking, shimmying, jiggling, jangling (those coin wraps that they wore) and man did my jelly shake. It was like watching some one poke perfectly made jello. It just wouldn't stop. Not to mention the wall was covered in mirrors so I got to see my jello jiggle from ten different angles! Oh joy!

To cut a long story short, I left aching, sweating, swearing and thoroughly embarrassed. Oddly enough, I look forward to this torture next week. Not to mention Hip Hop on Monday.

2005-06-23T23:32:00.000-04:00

To Wine*, Winin' A sexually suggestive dance using winding hip movements that can make the hula look tame, usually done to soca music Taken From http://www.tntisland.com/triniwine.html

2005-06-23T19:15:00.000-04:00

To my best friends in the world: Tish, Tia, Cafisha and Zakiyya. I love you guys and thanks for bein' real.

Of bonds and friendships.

2005-06-23T17:44:00.000-04:00

I was initially going to write a long, drawn-out, sappy, touchy-feely entry. But I decided against it. All I will say is I know some of the most wonderful people in the world and I am blessed to have 3 of them as best friends. Friends who have been there to support me through thick and thin, through heartbreak and denials. Friends who have made themselves available when I needed them the most and even more so when I didn't (kidding). Though distance, life and relationships (romantic or otherwise) have taken their toll I am glad to see them sustain through it all.

The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart- Elisabeth Foley

2005-06-23T12:21:00.000-04:00

I couldn''t help it. This is just hilarious to me. In a non-sexist way of course :D

The joys of being random

2005-06-21T23:03:00.000-04:00

Have you ever noticed that Chinese food always tastes better the day after you buy it? Is the staleness? I could never figure that out.

What do you think? Leave me a comment.

Spotlight on a Salaryman.

2005-06-21T10:53:00.000-04:00

Substandard short stories and pointless life updates from a Salaryman!

All I have to say is... this is some good shit!

Check it out.

Tobago Love

2005-06-20T13:23:00.001-04:00

God I miss Tobago. I've only been to the sister island (Trinidad and TOBAGO) once in my lifetime but I had some of my best memories there. How I yearn to go back. I'm supposed to go in August and I have a ticket in my wallet right now, so I can go anytime I want.

I had gone when I was around 16. I'm not too sure but I think it was then. We, my cousin C and my aunt had gone for 10 days. We stayed in this isolated guest house in Speyside for $50TT a night. The view from there was breathtaking. It was easily quiet and easily one of the most peaceful places I had ever been to. At Night It was even more beautiful.

What amazed me the most though was the fact that you could walk around at any time of night without the slightest amount of fear. It was like a small utopia. It just felt perfect. Like everything was the way it should be.

That night, my cousin and I had walked down to the jetty (dock) that was at the most prominent beach where we were staying. C had a huge crush on this Trinidadian boy named Keston who we had met while swimming with Manta Ray's at a private beach in the same area. We had only found that place because we had befriended some of the locals. He told her that he would be there that night so I was dragged along as a reason for their teenaged rendezvous. (Nevermind I was a teenager myself). When we got there, there was apparently a bit of a "spin the bottle" gathering that had accumulated. Who knew that was the hot spot for adolescent romance. I wasn't into that though (even though I was kind of into Keston myself) but I was the chubby chick and didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of being rejected. So I walked along the jetty alone, while C struck up a conversation with her Island Romeo. The stars seemed to be ten times bigger than they were back in Trinidad and I remember thinking that Trinidad got the short end of the stick when it comes to this kind of beauty. The beach had a darkly ethereal aura to it that was so compelling I wanted to dive in clothes and all. I stayed there alone for almost an hour. For the first time I felt like I was part of perfection.

A beach in Speyside