10/14/2005 11:48:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

It's been a long fucking month so far. My computer died, finally, he's been on the brink of Resting in Pieces for months now after all the abuse I've put him through. He's in a better place now *sniffle* So, I'll be going on a bit of a forced hiatus until I get a new one. I'll check in every now and then though.

The play... well, I'm over my little bout of jealousy now. It was indeed a bit silly but not as uncommon as I intially thought. It turns out that the lead female's boyfriend who was also in the play didn't appreciate the stage direction either. He didn't even want her in my boyfriend's personal space. LOL. Apparently insecurity isn't just a female thing. They seemingly have pulled out of the play now so I was made the lead female (which I'm not too sure I want). But that problem is solved for now.

I've finally taken control of my life as it pertains to my weight issues. I've been exercizing like Richard Simmons on.... . well... Like Richard Simmons. Twice a day, almost every day. And it feels great. I'm actually trying to figure out why I couldn't do it before and why it felt so hard for me. Apparently I needed to get to a certain place in my life before I could stick to something. Ah well it's only two weeks in... I have yet to see if it really is concrete.

School is still the stinking pus-hole of assignments and midterms but I'm coping.

Until next time.....

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Green with envy and I'm neon

10/04/2005 07:24:00 AM Edit This 10 Comments »

I never thought that I had a jealous streak. I never had any idea of how possessive and potentially insecure I could be. It's actually quite scary how I get when I'm jealous.

I'm in a play; a low budget production that a friend of mine is doing for her theatre arts degree. I've helped her out before so I know ( or at least have an idea) of how she operates. My boyfriend, Mr. S, is in the play as well and is playing the lead male character. I am playing a less important character of a nosy, loquacious, bacchanalist neighbour (I'm really starting to worry about the casting and how I am being percieved because if this has anything to do with me personally I will definitely have to do some serious self-analsis). The female lead is played by someone I just met at last week's reading (she also has a significant other in the play).

Now, the play has alot of profanity and sexual overtone... it even involves a bit of touching and kissing in a bed onstage.. between the leads. So I guess you can understand my concern now. I would trust Mr. S with my life, especially after all of the things we have gone through. So I was surprised that I felt this way. Worried, panicky, insecure and well jealous. I really have no reason to, I know he wouldn't do anything plus I have the reassurance that the female lead's boyfriend will be there... so I can hope that she won't do anything but I don't know how deep their love goes.

What I am worried about, however, is the excessive amount of time they will be spending alone (well with the director) rehearsing. Because of the amount of scences that involve the two of them (usually arguing other times cuddling and *cringe* kissing), the director decided that she would call them in for private practices. THIS is what is irking me. I do NOT want to be the insecure girlfriend who pops up at rehearsals when she's not needed just to see what's going on. Though I am that insecure girlfriend (much to my dismay) I refuse to do it. Even during the readthrough I was cringing visibly and they were just reading. What the hell will happen when I actually see it. So for both my sanity and their physical well being, I shouldn't go.

Also, Mr. S and I are usually pretty busy so we don't get to see each other. A few weekday evenings for an hour or two and Saturdays ( which are now taken over by my classes and play rehearsal.) Mr.S is also in study mode now as he has a huge exam coming up, plus he works full time. So our time together will be cut significantly shorter when the director wants him on evenings for private rehearsals.

FUCK! I have no idea how to deal with this. Any suggestions?

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If you hate memes, look away

10/03/2005 11:16:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

x. Slept in your bed: Me and my stuffed frog
x. Saw you cry: Mr. S and he's so sweet about it.
x. Made you cry: Me.
x. You shared a drink with: Me mum.
x. You went to the movies with: Mr. S and C
x. You went to the mall with: Mr. S and C. The movie theatre is in the mall.
x. Yelled at you: My mum
x. Sent you an e-mail: Spammers. DIE!!!!

x. Said "I love you" and meant it?: Yes.
x. Gotten in a fight with your pet: Yes. He's still mad at me.
x. Been to California: Nope.
x. Been to Hawaii: Nope.
x. Been to Mexico: Nope.
x. Been to China: Nope.
x. Been to Canada: Nope.
x. Danced naked: All the time.
x. Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: I wish cause the last time I dreamt something crazy it involved Johnny Depp, whipped cream and lubricant.
x. Wish you were the opposite sex: Yes. I've always wanted to pee standing up.
x. Had an imaginary friend: Had?

x. Do you have a crush on someone: No. But I do want to CRUSH someone.
x. What book are you reading now: Introduction to Psychology. Damnable essay.
x. Worst feeling(s) in the world: Being depressed.
x. Future son's name: Nikolai.
x. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: Yes.
x. What's under your bed:Drawers. No, really. Actual drawers.
x. Favorite sports to watch: Swimming, rugby, World Cup football (soccer).
x. Siblings: Mossiah, me little half-brother.
x. Location: In my room.
x. College plans: Finish.. quickly.
x. Piercing/tattoos: Nope only in me ears.
x. Boyfriend/girlfriend: Yes, Mr. S.

x. Who is your best friend(s): Tishie, Mr. S, C.
x. What are you most scared of: Failure.
x. What clothes do you sleep in: Tanktop and Boyshorts, or me birthday suit.
x. Where do you want to get married: Not sure.
x. Who do you really hate: The cocksucker that took my phone
x. Do you drive: Nope.
x. Do you have a job: Nope.
x. Do you like being around people: Sometimes.
x. Are you for world peace: Yes I am and I'm also against world hunger. *beauty queen wave*

x. Have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Yes.
x. Have you ever cried over something someone of the opposite sex did: Yes
x. Do you have a "type" of person you always go after: Nope.
x. Want someone you don't have right now: nope.
x. Are you lonely right now: Nope.
x. Song thats stuck in your head a lot: Anna Nalick- Breathe (2 am).
x. Do you want to get married: Eventually.

x. Room in house: My bedroom.
x. Type(s) of music: Not really sure.
x. Band(s): Linkin Park, System of a Down, Slipknot, Static X, Maroon 5, Incert Coin, Tripped and Falling..
x. Color: Blue, Black, Red.
x. Month: June and December.
x. Stone: Sapphires.

x. Cried: Yup.
x. Bought something: Nope. Surprised myself actually
x. Gotten sick: Nope.
x. Sang: Yes, Badly.
x. Wanted to tell someone you loved them: Yes, and I did..
x. Met someone new: yes.
x. Missed someone: Yep.
x. Hugged someone: Yes.
x. Kissed someone: Yes..

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Life is Crapfuckingtastic!

9/30/2005 11:31:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I'm horrifically busy, exhasuted and too bloody aggravated to blog. Not that anyone's missing anything.

In othernews, I may be moving from Blogger to Blogsome, in order to use the wordpress system cause frankly, I'm bored with Blogger. It will be a bittersweet breakup. It was nice while it lasted, it's not you it's me. Let's just be friends and let me use for photos for my new blog. You're such a good host. Maybe we'll hook up for sex and a smoke soon. Minus the smoke, I like my lungs unblackened and not cancer-ridden.

I've spent the last four days slaving over two psychology essays which are due tomorrow morning and I am one hell of a procrastinator. Which means it will be finished by 8:45 am on Saturday morning, printed and delivered by 9am.... or later. Long live "Later".

In other news, getting money from my mum to buy a new phone (I'm a fucking college student give me a fucking break) is like negotiating with Brad Pitt's character Mickey in Snatch. You have to pay get your ass handed back to you. The woman is fucking relentless. Sweet, caring lady my left ass cheek!

Anyways, I'm off to not finish my essay on time. See you eventually. I'll bore you sometime next week if I get something interesting to say which is highly unfucking likely as my social life is going to shit. Eh. C'est la vie.

Since when did I become such a fucking pottymouth. Shit.

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Battle of the Bulge and the Bi-sexuals.

9/26/2005 05:33:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

BC by Johnny Hart

My "chub" and I have a love/ hate relationship. It loves to hate me. I can't tell you how many times I've tried the diet thing (quite unsuccessfully I might add) and it's even harder because I've been slightly overweight for most of my life, since I was 7... What I wouldn't do to turn back time and learn some self control. I'm going to try again. Let's see how long it lasts this time.

In other news, I went to a club on Saturday night. Now, I'm am not a club person, I am pretty much a contented homebody. Give me a DVD, some good company and some Papa John's and I'm good as gravy. But, Mr. S wanted to go, so I obliged. My favorite cousin, who's as close as a sister to me came as well.

Upon entering the club's small, dark, less than flashy interior we were greeted by a crowded bar and an empty dancefloor. Not a good sign. The first think my cuz goes for is a beer. I'm not much of a drinker but I had one too (the only one for the night because I know I can't handle my alcho.) So all three of us go to talk on the side. My cousin has this thing of using me as a block when guys come to bother her (she acts as though I'm her girlfriend.) She's a cute chick so the men in the area start checking her out and as a reflex she grabs on to me. Mind you I'm with my boyfriend as well so frankly he looks like the luckiest man in the club with two "bi" women on his arm. 20 minutes pass, and my cousin downs another beer.

Then I start to notice this girl who looks about 19 dressed like a guy checking my cousin out. To me, this is amusing so I laugh and mention to "C" that she has an admirer. She laughs, blushes and grips me even tighter. Our side of the club was pretty damn boring so we move to the next side where some guys were breakdancing. The D.J. finally starts playing some decent tunes so we start dancing, all 3 of us. Mind you, Trinidadians don't really dance in the generic sense. We "wine". It would look like dry humping to a foreigner to put it simply. So there we were, 2 girls and one guy dry humping on an almost empty dancefloor with all eyes on us. We couldn't be bothered cause we're having fun.

Soon we're sweaty and suddenly aware of the stares, so we take a breather and my cousin goes to the bathroom and I chill in the corner with my boyfriend. As soon as my cousin disappears, I notice the girl dressed like a guy and two of her cohorts follow. I am suspicious but not perturbed so I continue sipping on my beer. A minute later, C comes skating out of the bathroom laughing to tell me she was just it on by the three women and they grabbed her ass. My eyebrow shoots up and I smirk not sure what to think. C seems to enjoy the attention so I dismissed it while she goes to get another beer. The third for the night. Her limit. A few hours pass and the club gets a bit more lively. C is a little high now but still pretty much sober and she decides to go dance with her new admirers.

The minute she started dancing with one of the ladies, five more move in like white on rice and it's suddenly an orgy. Breasts, hands and asses were up for grabs. I didn't even know this was a gay club. So I keep an eye on her in case she needs an out but the obvious elation on her face tells me otherwise. I eventually turn around and start dancing with Mr. S. C comes back mussed and grinning saying she's going for another drink. I ask her not to because I know she'll get drunk so she doesn't. We start dancing again. Having a good time. Giggling about C's mini orgy. When one of her neighbours suddenly shows up with another drink. Things quickly went downhill from there.

She takes the drink ( her last for the night) and sips it slowly. We continue dancing, her neighbour joins in, one of her new admirers join in and C is jacked against a wall sandwiched between the two. Suddenly, C puts her hand to her mouth and races to the bathroom. I follow because I know she's going to puke. She does. 5 times. This is where the party ends. I clean her up and take her to the pool room in the back where she can sit until she sobers up a bit. Mr. S sits next to us worried.

A minute later, we're back over the porcelain throne again. I close the door this time so that no one will see her. The knob soon turns and someone tries to get in. "Someone's in here" The person still tries opening it "Someone's in here" I say louder. It continues I yell this time " Fuck! Stop it There is someone in here" . It stops. I clean C up again and we open the stall door to get her to the sinks so she can wash her face. C's first admirer is standing there waiting for her. She starts asking me "Are you okay? Need me to take you home?" Staring at C a hungry look on her face. The nerve!

I roll my eyes and answers "Yeah, she's fine. She pukes when she's happy and she'll be going home with me". The bathroom door opens again. Two more. They chime in " We were looking all over for you (My cousin)" She shrugs and smiles groggily. The door opens again. Another one. I start to get worried because they all look like they want a piece of my poor drunk cuz. I put the meanest look I can muster on my face and push my way out of the tiny bathroom. My boyfriend is standing outside. He noticed them coming in droves. He wanted to make sure we were okay.

We got C some club soda and helped her downstairs to the outside of the club for some fresh air. Her Dad would be coming soon. We needed to sober her up. 3 cups of club soda and a bucket full of puke later she is drained and falls asleep on my lap. The hyenas kept coming outside looking for her. Her Dad was taking way too long to get there. So we took a ride from her neigbbour in his very compact vintage buggy, crammed ourselves in the back and I took her home. That's right, hyenas I took her home.. That's MY bitch.

I don't think I'll be going clubbing again anytime soon.

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Trini Legends and Folklore: Part 3- La Diablesse

9/24/2005 08:41:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

This is one of the most popular Legends of Trinidad and Tobago. The story of the La Diablesse is one of intrigue, sedcution and deception so it is easy to see why

'La Diablesse', the devil woman of Trinidad and Tobago folklore, is sometimes personified as an old crone, who steps forth with her cloven hoof from behind a tree on a lonely road, the sound of chains mingling with the rustle of her petticoat.

La Diablesse appears as a tall, handsome Creole woman who with swinging gait and erect stature.She has eyes like burning coals and a face resembling that of a corpse, but hides it under a beautiful wide-brimmed hat and a veil over her face. She may have a bag of bones, graveyard dirt and shells, she may cast a spell and be perceived as young and desirable, her rich perfume blending with the smell of damp and decaying things. Although she may appear young, she will be dressed in the ancient costume of these islands: a brilliant madras turban, chemise with half sleeves and much embroidery and lace, 'zepingue tremblant' (trembling pins of gold), and all the finery of by-gone days. Or the more modern dress of a blouse with puffy sleeves and long, petticoated skirts.

This creature is one of the most feared of all the legends of T&T as she, unlike other creatures, is not bound to the night.

In the daytime she passes through a cane or cocoa field at noon where her mysterious beauty catches the eye of a man who then proceeds to follow her but is never able to catch up with her because her feet hardly touch the ground. Soon finds himself lost, bewildered, far from home and he is never himself again.

She is even more fearsome when she roams at night. Hiding her cloven foot under her long skirts, she turns up at village dances, where she is immediately disliked by the women present. She utterly charms the men spinning tales of a majestic and refined life. Feigning weariness she asks one of her new suitors to take her home. He follows her obediently, totally under her spell.
She lures him deep into the woods and then suddenly she disappears. Unable to find his way home, the poor fellow stumbles around in the dark wood until he either falls (or is pushed) into a ravine or a river to his death or gets attacked by wild hogs or some other beast.
To discourage the attentions of the La Diablesse, the potential victim should wear his garments inside out. The reasons for this are believed to be a result of her being such a stylish dresser, that she will lose all interest and seek her victim elsewhere.

I assume this story is told often by parents to their sons to caution them of the wiles of women, which quite frankly, could turn out to be deadly.

Next Week: Mama D'Lo.

Credits go to The National Library of Trinidad and Tobago, Best Caribbean Holidays, David James (Colour Image) See more of his amazing art here and The Superstitions of Trinidad and Tobago (illustration).

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Fashionista in the making.

9/22/2005 09:30:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

Look, not everyone is a size -2 okay. Some of us have some meat on our bones. I've got some meat... with gravy...and my gravy doesn't fit in a half yard of fabric. I get so tired of having to drudge around from place to place to place looking for clothing that would cover BOTH my breasts. Shopping in Trinidad especially, is the WORST! Especially, if you are plus size. You always get stuck with dowdy, frumpy, generic "I'm-fat-so-let-me-in-a-tent" stuff. I'm friggin 20 years old Why the hell would I want to look like my grandmother. Jeez!

In my quest for clothing I have come across very few lucky finds but many, many hideous ones. I had even done a mini shoot for a friend of mine who was doing a article on plus size clothing in Trinidad and where to find it. She had asked me to be her model. The first store we went to was the run of the mill frumpy crap. What was interesting was the owner of the store and her passion for her Haute Couture tents. When my friend was doing the interview the owner was so enthusiastic it was hard not to get excited. She said has spent over 20 years in the clothing business and knows what people want. She said that she was the shopper for a successful company before she opened up her store. She expressed her disgust at plus size women wearing revealing clothing and demanded that they cover up from head to toe. And she had just the right tenting. I wouldn't let her shop for me if she tarred and feathered me, tied me up and placed me naked and wriggling on a railroad track with a train charging ahead.

The clothes were horrendous. Ugly and baggy and ..... Ugh! There was this one dress, a black and blue disaster with so many strings I wanted to hang myself. All of the clothing in the store were drab and shapeless. Business suits that I would make it my business to destroy, casual wear that I would never care to wear. Disaster upon disaster was piled upon me.

To make a long story short. I am grateful the pictures never made it to print.

Soooo.. I've decided to make and design my own clothes. My mum is a seamstress, she runs a little, but maniacally sucessful sewing shop from our home. I actually recycled an old jacket I had that I loved too much to throw away. When I was done mangling it, it looked awesome. If I had a digi cam I would have shown you. Soon I will be raiding local art stores for supplies and I shall make MYSELF fabulous. Jeans, tees, skirts, whatever. Versace ain't got notthin' with me.

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9/21/2005 12:22:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

I've been trying to write the same essay for that past 4 days. First essay of the semester and I've got block. I think I must have written the same paragraph over 10 times but it doesn't seem right. *sigh* *bangs head on desk*

*Update* Two hours later, still on same sentence. Had lunch (Chicken corn soup rocks) and now I am falling asleep on myself. Class is at nine tomorrow morning and I may have to read the essay to the class. At this rate, all that will be there is....

Student Id: 000000
Fundamentals of Politics
"What are the ingredients necessary for Politics to exist in Trinidad and Tobago?"

The ingredients necessary for Politics are

2 bickering political parties
1 inadequate Prime Minister
1 even more inept Oppostion Leader
1 country at the mercy of Morons
A handful of sycophantic fools who with iron clad and often ignorant Party Loyalty
1.5 million dissatisfied Trinidadians
0 Trinidadians doing anything about it
2 tablespoons get me the hell off this island
1 lb Screw this shit I'm going to Fiji.

Preheat oven to Fire and Brimstone.
Mix well, throw in a optional dash of corruption, kidnapping and crime to taste.
Serve immediately.

I think this is good enough, don't you?

Scratch that Fiji thing... I'm going to Chicago... where Oprah gives away Free Men. You gotta love her.

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Interdependent Woman

9/20/2005 08:54:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

I'm a college student living at home, leeching off my parents but I like to do things on my own. I like paying my on way, buying stuff for myself with my own money, paying my own bills. I am a living oxymoron.

I've been with my boyfriend, Mr. S, for a year and a half. We have been through so much together and I love him to death. But only recently (as in the last six months) really allowed or even asked him to pay my way. I was all for going Dutch or even paying for him on occasion, having a man pay for me was so taboo in my books. Even if he insisted, I'd insist that I pay for stuff the next time just to even the score. It was a bit of an obsession. This was me fooling myself into thinking I was independent, when back home, I sucked my parents dry.

I've become so comfortable with him, and frankly he should be happy about this, that I'd ask him to get me stuff on his way to come see me, like food or a DVD etc. Ordinarily, I'd starve before I did that. But now, I'm starting to think I may be overdoing it. To the point that I am feeling guilty about it.

All of this I only just realized today.

I have a problem with taking advantage of people. I am really very introspective and a firm believer in "Do unto others". I spoil my friends and close family. As in I'd buy them stuff for no reason, or pay for them to go see a movie and then buy them dinner. I enjoy doing this for those who deserve it. This doesn't seem to be much but please remember that I am working on a college student's allowance here. I do not get paid, I get an allowance. $40 TT a day (that is equivalent to a little more that $5 US) a little more if I beg. So really, this is me treating people extravagantly, on a very low budget. Gimme a break already. I come from a middle class family. My mum owns a little clothing store and my father, whose income I am no longer privy too, is a owns a small taxi service. Nothing special, nothing out of the norm. And I do understand the concept of working hard for what I get.

Of late I have noticed some, for lack of a better word, very large faults in some of the friends I keep. They have gotten so used to people, rather me, paying their way on occasion that they, suddenly and conveniently, run out of funds when I am around. And I, pushover that I am, always open my wallet and sacrifice myself for their sake. These Nosferatu frenemies bask in the luxury of my not-so-fat wallet, smile and laugh, then disappear when a problem arises. Unconcerned and pretensive. How very interesting. Me thinks it's time to pull off some parasites.

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I'm not racist, I have colour TV.

9/20/2005 02:05:00 AM Edit This 6 Comments »

I read this story today.

Let's take this in steps shall we?

"What's up with your shirt?"

Those are the words a former senior at Fleming Island High School remembers hearing as he walked from his fifth-period algebra class toward the gym. The 18-year-old, who is not being identified due to his family's concerns of safety, had just taken off his Dixie Outfitter T-shirt, exposing a highly offensive shirt.

"What about it?" replied the 18-year-old, skinny and white.

"Well, you know it's racial," said a black student, now in a group confronting the 18-year-old.

"Yeah. So?"

The undershirt the white student wore had a confederate flag on the front with the words "Keep it flying." On the back, a cartoon depicted a group of hooded Klansmen standing outside a church, waving to two others who had just pulled away in a car reading "Just married." Two black men in nooses were being dragged behind.

Firstly, how can you NOT see something wrong with a shirt depicting something like that. How twisted or just plain stupid must you be to wear that to SCHOOL where you know there are BLACK student who would be offended by it? How ignorant can you be that you would purchase something like that in the first place? How small minded and backward is this kid?

The white student said he left the school following a three-day suspension. He said he was supposed to go back on a Friday but school officials called and asked his family to keep him home until the following week because "the school's in an uproar."

"Everybody was threatening to come jump me, so we were like, whatever," he said. "So I'm not going to deal with it over some stupid shirt."

I wonder why, future Klansman?

Clay County school officials said the incident is isolated and both students involved were disciplined "quickly and appropriately," although they would not release specifics citing privacy concerns.

"There's no way you can prevent it when you've got students coming and bringing an attitude like that to school," said Ben Wortham, deputy superintendent.

(1) What exactly is quickly and appropriately? Does this also include quietly? Is this one of those things you would sweep under the rug? Hmmm?

(2) I'm torn on the deputy's statement. I know ignorance breeds hate and hate breeds ignorance but it doesn't seem like they are trying at all. That kid has a blatant case of I-don't-give-a-damn-itis and may be too far gone to stop him now, but didn't they notice symptoms of potential racism before.

"I'm not racist or anything," he said. "It's just, some people I hate, some people I don't get along with. And black people just happen to be the ones because they think they're better than everyone else."

So what the fuck is he? A martyr? The quote "A rose by any other name" comes flying to mind here. He hates black people because they think they are better than anyone else? What horseshit! What's the basis of that statement? What the hell has he been taught? Oh wait...

The student said his parents were shocked at his decision, Mom dismayed and Dad disappointed.

"I just can't believe you'd wear a shirt like that to school," he said was their reaction. "My mom was kind of upset about it. My dad was like, whatever, it's your life."

*Slap on the wrist* "Don't make fun of the colored folk in public, son. We taught you better than that. You know how ignorant and belligerent they get."
"Yes Pa!, I didn't think I'd be a big deal cause....

The 18-year-old said he has friends who are black, and he said he does not think they would be mad at him because they know he would not do what was depicted on the shirt
That always makes it better, doesn't it. But if he thinks black people think they are better than everyone else, what makes them different? Do they call you "Massa"? Or do they understand that....

"I'm a redneck," he said. "But no, I'm not racist."

Upset by the shirt, a 17-year-old black student hit the white student in the head. A crowd of about 100 students gathered to watch the Aug. 29 fight before authorities intervened
Frankly, FUCK YEAH! If you haven't guessed by now, I am a black female or for the politically correct few "Afro- Trinidadian female" He would have gotten a lot more than that where I come from. *No, I am not advocating violence, contrary to popular belief*

Let me digress for a moment here, how would you feel watching someone parade around in slanderous clothing, promoting lynching and fostering hate, around you as though nothing is wrong? The white student was asked if he knew the shirt was racist, and candidly replied "Yeah. so?" This isn't just one person he hates, it's an entire race of people. I think this goes beyond ignorance into something alot more disturbing. What would you have done in this situation? The black student acted instinctivelty, and no, I don't blame him. I do agree he could have lodged a complaint but what would that have done. Nothing. Even after the fight was over and the authorites took over it seems as though nothing but a slap on the wrist was given. Not from his parents, the school he attends ( he is being allowed back in) Lesser acts than this have solicited expulsion. Didn't this warrant the same?

There are so many thought running through my head on this issue right now but I'll leave with a quote and an open ended question...

The most powerful stimulus for changing minds is not a chemical. Or a baseball bat. It is a word. -George A. Miller
Do you think the black students were justified in wanting to beat the hell out of him? How would you have dealt with the situation?

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Pass me a Prozac

9/19/2005 12:03:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

This is my second semester at my university. A small, private, heavily competitive institution with students who are obsessed with grades, flip flops, high pitched voices, navel breakers and Daddy's Money. Needless to say, Hell, for someone who came from a laidback public high school that was more concerned with the football (soccer for you Americans) than grades. Not that I didn't do relatively well.

To put it bluntly, when you are 5'11, chubby and a bit of a bookwormish recluse.. you tend to stand out like a sore thumb. If I have to hear, "Wow, you are really tall" from one of those stunted banshees one more time I swear I'll pop a blood vessel.

The lecturers range from extremely soporific (amazingly snooze-worthy) to lively and a bit snooty. They have been spoiled rotten by all the whiny little know-it-all who have their noses stuck up their asses.

Other than that it's relatively bearable even fun on occasions thanks to the "characters" who make the date with fire and brimstone worthwhile.

In my Politics class, there was a certain individual, a scrawny boy with product soaked hair and baggy hip hop clothing who during the mandatory introductions, claimed that his hobbies were: Gaming, Arsony and Explosives. Coming soon after the Port of Spain bombings, of course, there was a collective gasp, a chuckle here and there (one came from me) and numerous people (the lecturer included) picking their jaws up off the floor. The lecturer, stunned, asked him to repeat what he said, disbelieving. The guy, in turn, repeated exactly what he had said with a mischievious grin plastered on his face. That was a true Kodak moment.

Right now, projects and essays are piling up, midterms shall soon be upon me, and I haven't a care in the world....as long as I pop my Prozac.

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9/19/2005 06:33:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Hey, I got smacked! (More like bitchslapped actually LOL) Here is my bad review from the ladies at Italk2much.com. Thanks Guys Posted by Picasa

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Would it hurt you?

9/18/2005 10:49:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I came across this site PostSecret while reading Colin's Blog. It is "an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard."
I started reading some of them when I came across this one...

Now I don't have a stepfather, a husband, or a wedding planned anytime soon for that matter but it got me thinking. My father and I don't have the best relationship. As of April of this year we don't have a relationship at all. I haven't found the courage yet to open up completely and say why we don't have one , maybe one day....

I do plan to get married of course. Most likely to my current boyfriend who is the best thing that has ever happened to me but, of course, that won't go over too well with dear old Daddy. Not that I really care what he thinks, I'm going to marry whoever the hell I want, but I digress...

The postcard made me think of whether or not he would walk me down the aisle or even be invited to the wedding. Frankly, my father fucked up. It's so strained right now I don't think I would ever forgive him for what he has did and continues to do to this day. There are people who would say "Quit bitching about it, your childhood is over and you should get over it" but how the fuck do you get over something or someone when they have become the proverbial thorn embedded deep into your ribcage and bleed you dry. Everytime, I heal it happens again and I am so fucking gullible I allow it to happen. Over and over again. Getting worse everytime. I can probably forgive in time, but to forget would be an injustice to myself. It would allow me to set myself up to have my dignity ripped to shreds and shoved up my ass wrapped in razorwire. Yes, it's that bad.

I have contemplated so many ways of getting revenge. Of evening the score, to hurt him like he hurt me. But what would that prove? That I am as bad as he is? That I am vindictive like he is? That I am following in his disatrous footsteps? It would be my greatest fear realized. But it seems so inevitable.

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Trini Legends and Folklore: Part 2 - The Douens

9/17/2005 07:52:00 AM Edit This 4 Comments »

In keeping with the promise I made, I shall continue the Trini Legends series on Saturdays from now on... until I run out of local superstitions to talk about.

This week belongs to the Douens.

By Definition

Douens are the spirits of children who have died before they were baptized and as such, they are fated to roam the forests of Trinidad, practising their wide repertoire of pranks. They take the form of naked children, never growing in excess of two or three feet in height. Their faces, which are featureless with the exception of a small mouth, are hidden behind a large, floppy, straw hat but, you can identify a Douen by his feet, which are turned backward, heels facing forward. Malicious little creatures, Douens take pleasure in luring normal children away from their homes and deep into the woods until they become lost. Parents are advised not to shout the names of their children in open places as Douens use this knowledge to entice young ones away. However mischievous they may be, Douens do have a good natured side. They have been know to aid Papa Bois in the forest by leading him to injured or trapped animals and imitating animal calls to throw hunters off track.

They are supposedly found in rural areas where there the source of their favourite food, Crayfish or River crabs, reside. Their footprints are very misleading due to the fact that they would be going in one direction and the prints would be facing the other way.

When I was younger I was given a book called Crick Crack by my godfather, it was filled with local superstitions. One of which involved the story of a man who was walking through the forest and came across a silk cotton tree. These trees have a reputation for being the gateway for Jumbies (a local word for ghosts and goblins). Under the tree, the man saw a baby crying and wriggling. Feeling sorry for the child he picked it up and decided to take it home where he and his wife would take care of it. It was a long way home and the man noticed that the child seemed to be getting heavier and larger with every step. Ignoring it , he kept shifting the child about his body so that he would he able to carry him better. Eventually, he moved the now very large child to his back when the "child" suddenly started choking him and in a very deep, manly voice chanted "Put meh back where yuh find meh!" The man, eyes bulging, ran all the way back to the tree. On his way back, the thing reverted to it's original size and fell asleep when he placed it, once again, under the silk cotton tree.

That story used to scared the shit out of me. Still does every time I read it.

This particular superstition, I have heard many other stories about from family and friends who claim to have encountered them. My closest cousin, claimed to have seen one while going for a walk around the hills where she lives. She was passing a large stretch of grass, when she noticed a large straw hat moving about in them. She stopped and observed for a while, then (for what reason I don't know) called out to the "person". It stopped and looked around and she claimed to see nothing but a gaping mouth and then it started coming toward her. Of course she ran screaming all the way home and has never been back that way since.

Another claimed to have encountered it on the way home from school and it tried to draw him into the bushes. But he noticed it's backward feet and ran in the other direction.

Also here is a poem written by Lauren K. Alleyne

That's all for now.
Next week, the La Diablesse.

Credits for the definition go to Best Caribbean Holidays.

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Hello Stranger.

9/16/2005 07:14:00 AM Edit This 5 Comments »

It's amazing how you can know someone for 5 years and not know a damn thing about them. Maintaining friendships, seeing them and talking to them almost everyday for two years, talking to them on the phone every once in a while and seeing and speaking them at almost every get together you have had for the past 3 years. You run in the same circles, you have the same friends, you have more or less the same interests... but you don't know squat about them.

But it takes one night, and instant messaging program and a bad incident and suddenly you see aspects of the person you never though existed. You are intrigued, shocked, surprized and relieved all at the same time. This person is more like you than you had ever dreamed. You see them in a new light and pat yourself on the back for knowing how to choose friends. This is a friend you intend to keep for life.

I will never divulge the information I was amazed and honoured to be privy too. But I had to write something. It was nice to Finally meet them. These are the moments I live for.

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Honesty is no longer the best policy? I didn't get that memo.

9/14/2005 08:09:00 AM Edit This 6 Comments »

Forgive my idealism but where has honesty gone? Where have all the good people in this world disappeared to? Have they been shipped off to some newly discovered planet where entry is permissible only though genuine politeness or something?

I lost my cell phone last night. I am notoriously absentminded so I blame this on myself. I was sitting on a bench in front of a bank talking to my boyfriend. I had just texted someone and must have put it down beside me and forgot about it when we were on our way back home. I realized I missed it only 2 minutes later and hurried back to see if by some miracle of human nature it was still there. We were calling it frantically on the way back hoping someone would answer (now that I think of it, that was probably a stupid move as it would draw attention to it).

When we got there, there was no sign of it. Only a trio of people sitting on the other bench talking. One man in the trio looked very suspicious (Intuition or paranoia I know not what it was) as he had his hands firmly in his pocket looking very uncomfortable. My phone lights up and vibrates when rung. So there was one of two possibilities, (1) He was trying to hide the ringing phone in his pocket or (2) was pleasuring himself in public. Neither seemed palatable. Nonetheless, my boyfriend asked them if they saw the phone and we got the expected answer o "no".

We continued calling the phone hoping that the person was honest enough to answer but eventually they shut the phone off. Evil cocksuckers! I called again this morning and it rang only to be cut off by the third ring and completely shut off by the next call 5 seconds later. Apparently, they enjoyed raping my meager minutes the night before, well into the morning.

To add insult to injury, I called the phone company (TSTT), yes, we only have one right now and they enjoy flexing their monopolistic muscles with horrible service and astonishingly high prices. After spending more than an amalgamation of three hours on hold, listening to horrible music and repetitive advertisements, I finally was able to speak to an agent. Unfortunately, I was informed that since the phone was not under my name (it was given to me as a gift) I was unable to disconnect or even block outgoing calls! WTF! I am sure as hell not paying that bill the end of the month!

My conclusion to this story is a question. Where have all the honest people gone? Has honesty been outmoded by combativeness and the mentality of "survival of the fittest"? Are 'Good Samaritans" a myth? Should I hunt down the asshole that stole my phone and take an axe to them?

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Trini Legends and Folklore

9/10/2005 12:21:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

For those of you who do not know, I am a Trinidadian (from Trinidad and Tobago in theCaribbean) and proud of it. Admittedly, I haven't really been giving much information on my country and it's culture, which as rich, beautiful and diverse as the island itself. So I am going to change that. Of course, you shouldn't expect my blog to turn into a Tourist Ad fro T&T. Far from it. In fact, I like talking about myself too much to change.

Anyway, to start I will share some of our local legends and superstitions with you. Actually just one today. If it solicits enough response I will make it a regular thing on Saturdays.

So the first is a legend called the Soucouyant (pronounced soo-coo-yah), or in Jamaica as Ol' Higue. Our version of the Vampire.

She is generally described as an old woman who lives alone at the end of the village road, seldom seen, her house always closed up as she sleeps away the day. She is said to have made a pact with the devil for eternal life. Her daylight exhaustion is well earned, however, for the Soucouyant's nights are sadly spent. In exchange for her longevity, she must shed her human skin each night and change into animal form, or that of her customary ball of fire.

While in her transformed state, she has the power to turn other people into animals, to increase the yield of crops, or make them wither. Before each night is over, though she must target one victim and suck out their life-force (or, blood depending on legends) to refresh her spirit for the next day. She must also slip back into her human skin before the cocks begin to crow the dawn. Should she be unable to return into her skin, she is trapped in her altered state without benefit of her powers during the daylight hours.

Her skin is usually hidden in bushes or trees or deposited into a mortar, and the myth goes on that if one fills the Soucouyant's skin with salt she will be unable to return into her flesh for a number of days, and even then it will cause her great pain and would likely scream "skin, kin, kin, you na no me, you na no me", she sings, crooning softly, pleading to the wrinkled, dreadful thing. "You na no me, old skin" as it (her skin) falls away from her and shrinks. Anyone foolish enough to do such a disservice to the Soucouyant, however is likely to find themselves turned into some manner of creepy, crawling creature before long, or, even more likely, as her meal the following night.

To reveal a Soucouyant, one must empty 100 lbs of rice at the village crossroads where she will be compelled to pick it up one grain at a time or beat her black and blue in her fiery state; the next morning she will be revealed as a severely bruised old woman.

So there you have it, our version of a Vampire with O.C.D.

What are the local legends of your country?

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I'm a dirty Trini Skitzo that's pimping lesbians with camel toe.

9/09/2005 09:26:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

And I'm encouraging the perverts. These are the top 13 searches I have had recently. Oy vey!

  1. "aversion to cleaning" psychology (Google)
  2. amazing sex change (Yahoo)
  3. girl voyeurs (Yahoo)
  4. Katherine Moennig tattoo (MSN)
  5. little skirt showing ass (MSN)
  6. my camel toe is showing (MSN)
  7. pic of sarah shahi (MSN)
  8. skitzophrenic (MSN)
  9. trinidad girl italian man relationship (Yahoo)
  10. trinidadian slang (Yahoo)
  11. true voyeurs (Yahoo)
  12. VOUYERS (Yahoo)
  13. young girls camel toe showing (Yahoo)

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When birds attack

9/08/2005 10:23:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »

I hate birds. Don't be decieved by their looks and the gentle way they are portrayed on television. That is nothing but false, malinformed propoganda. Birds are evil. They are noisy, agressive, annoying and they shit on you. I've been attacked and shat upon so many times it's dizzying. After being chased by a turkey at 5 years old, attacked by pigeons as a teenager and nearly impaled by vicious blackbirds, I really fucking hate 'em.

I got planted just today while talking to some of my friends in the most public place in Trinidad on the busiest time of day. Those winged bastards have no mercy. In Italy, that is supposed to be a good omen. To me, wiping seedy, sticky bird shit out of your newly washed hair is ... well... shitty. And the bastard, not the birds, just laughed at me. I saw red to say the least.

I am also in an ongoing battle with some brown doves that keep trying to take up residence in my house. Every few days they would fly into our large, usually open windows, fly around and shit on everything. Not stuff you can clean easily either. The really gross white and green piles of steaming bird crap. Everywhere. When you try to shoo them away they either fly straight at your face like the psychotic ones in "Birds" or face plant into the windows much like that Windex Commercial. They never seem to be able to tell which windows are open. Bloody idiots. The phrase birdbrain is definitely not a stereotype.

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The fidelity of friendship: Moving up and moving on

9/07/2005 04:16:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I'm not a loner or a hermit but I am a bit of a recluse when it comes to friends, these days especially. You know people who use the word associate and acquaintance to describe relationships, I'm one of them. To me, I have 1 boyfriend, 2 best friends, 2 very good friends, few associates and many acquaintances.

I'm the type of person that chooses friends for life rather than an unknown period of time. In my opinion, I am a pretty good judge of character and can sum up a personality after about 3 conversations. I'm like this because I am fickle with trust. I trust so easily to begin with, with no qualms or regrets, but if someone breaks my trust it is near impossible to regain.

I have had the same friends since the beginning of high school up till now. Some falling into oblivion on the way but resurfacing every once in a while. Some have gone away to college but we keep in touch. I never realized how attached I was to some of them until they left and moved on without me.

I always assumed that when this whole college thing was over that it would go right back to the way it was before. I've lied to myself worse before so it felt credible. I always thought that it would be the way it was in Secondary school. Doing everything and nothing at the same time. Sharing lives, the way we used to. At one point, we knew everything about each other. So close it was almost intuitive. No words we necessary. The three of us, I thought were inseparable. Like I said. I lied to myself worse before.

I never realized how much I clung to that friendship. Needing it like the living need air. I deluded myself into thinking we would be this way forever. That even if our lives did go separate ways we could always pick up where we left off as though it never changed. As though we were still the same people we were back then. Now I wonder if they've moved on or moved up.

You know that friend you've had before you could remember. The one who is always reminiscing about the good times you had. What is was like before. How great things were. The friend that was stuck in that time capsule. Whenever you talk to them, it a continuous walk down memory lane and you feel like they don't add anything new to your life. The friendship is stuck and boring like a stick in the mud. Yeah?? Well, I'm that friend.

Everyone around me is doing new things, leading new lives... Getting somewhere. Doing all the things that I would love to do. Living life. Adding to themselves. Whenever they need a fix of the "good old times" they come to me. Whenever they need a tether to the life they had: Time Capsule friend is there. Quite possibly, a necessary evil.

I know nothing about my friends anymore. Well, I know stuff about them. I know what they are doing with their lives and sometimes everyday activity. But I know nothing of their character anymore. They've all grown without me and I'm still a shrub amidst trees. The little sapling that could. Loyal to the end. The one that's easy to leave behind while they all move up and on.

Dammit, now I've gone and depressed myself.

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Katrina post.

9/06/2005 01:57:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I am trying very, very hard to stay mum on the tragedy and the controversy it has uncovered. I am doing very well so far but I'm not so sure how long it will last.

Until then, See Steve Rant. He articulated it the best way possible.

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9/06/2005 09:31:00 AM Edit This 2 Comments »

I have changed my template once again, for the 6th time this year. Got it at Francey.Org. Great site for linkware designs for the HTML hopeless like myself.

Let me know what you think. Still some editing to be done.

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Extracurricular activities for the overworked, underpaid , dissatisfied and homicidal employee

9/03/2005 07:19:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Postal Workers need not apply.

Finally an outlet for the anger.

I especially love the little panic button on the side.

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I know they said Cat Woman was a shitty movie

9/03/2005 06:58:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

But DAMN!!!!

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I'm feeling generous

9/03/2005 11:37:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

Here are some links to videos I like. All Rock today just cause I'm in that kinda mood.

Freak on a Leash-Korn
Did My Time - Korn
Crawling - Linkin Park
Somewhere I Belong- Linkin Park
Faint- Linkin Park
Place in my head (live) -Linkin Park
Wait and Bleed- Slipknot
Down with the Sickness- Disturbed
Push it- Static X
Toxicity- System of a Down

BYOB- System of a Down

Chop Suey- System of a Down

Commercial they may be, but I love them anyway.


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Mind Fuck.

8/27/2005 06:56:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

So I am scheduled (or as you Americans say : Skeduled) to see the school psychiatrist again, on Thursday coming, to find out if I need to be put to mood stabilizers aka Zoloft. I was given 2 months to come out of my trauma induced depression, without the aid of pharmaceuticals, and I think I've done pretty well. Well, minus the bout of moodiness and sudden tears that I blame soundly on PMS that is.

So once again I get to go sit in her office (hole in the wall at my tiny college) and see how long it takes her to get me to burst into tears talking about my dsyfunctional childhood and idiot father. The past two occasions it took less than 10 minutes, this time I'm going for the record.

Talking about the idiot father, he has suddenly decided to go back to being Daddy again. This of course includes me baby sitting his illegitimate son, also known as my little half brother. If this is what it means to be at some kind of unspoken truce between the both of us, well, mostly him, I think I'd rather the long, awkward silences and grunts of acknowledgement.

My little brother is 8 years old. Born in the midst of marital strife between my parents and right at the beginning of my adolesence. So not only was it, "Oh my god, I'm getting breasts, acne and armpit hair". It was also "Here K, look after the little brother I got for you that you mother didn't bear, doesn't know about and wouldn't care to know... so let's keep it a secret and lie to her at all costs." Let's just say my teenage years weren't the best I could have had. Still isn't considering I'm only one year over that hill.

It was really interesting how I came to know the little illegitimate munchkin. Basically, I had a Solar System project to do at my best friend's house and I was just leaving a great weekend at my cousin's house. My father had called and said he was outside waiting for me to take me to that friend's house and said that I should hurry outside. So I packed my bags in haste, said a rushed goodbye to my cousins and their dogs and ran outside to my father's Datsun Bluebird.

I see my father (who is also a karate sensei) and his friend (another sensei) in the car. My father smiles at me and I get into the backseat. I put my bags down and see an empty carseat in the back. Confused but indifferent, I take my favorite position in the car (kneeling on the seat with my arms around the driver's headrest), I see a small infant in my father's friend's arms. I gasp and proceed to ooh and aah at the baby. To my surprise, daddy lets me hold the baby in the backseat. So feeling like a "big girl", I sit back stiffly but responsibly in the seat and hold the baby in my protective 11 year old arms. Then the questions start.

Me: "Sensei R (my dad's friend) is this your baby?"
Sensei R: *uncomfortable silence* "No, K. It isn't"
Me: Oh ok.
Me: Who's is it then?
Daddy: It's yours honey.
Me: *puzzled* *eyebrow cocks* Haha Daddy I didn't have a baby.
Daddy: *His eyes fixated on the road before him* No K, you didn't. I had one.
Me: *matter-of-factly* Boys can't have babies Daddy. Stop being silly.
Daddy: It's your brother dear.
Me: What are you talking about? My mother didn't have a baby? Did we adopt one?
Daddy: No we didn't. And I know your mother didn't make one. But it's your brother.
Me: Oh ok. If you say so. Who made him then?
Daddy: Another lady.
Me: Who is not my mother?
Daddy: *silence*
Me: Right?
Daddy: Yes.
Me: Does mummy know this?
Daddy: No. And we won't tell her okay. She'll get mad at us and it would hurt her.
Me: *silence*
Daddy: Ok.
Me: Ok Daddy. *thinks* (I so don't get this)

I am sincerely beginning to think my father is the reason why I am such a good liar today.

Thanks Dad.

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New Semester, new complex.

8/26/2005 10:15:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

So Classes start on September 5 this semester. I get to deal with ditzy cheerleader types, self proclaimed intellectuals and wannabe frat boys. Needless to say I will resume my role of selective outcast once again. This should be very interesting to say the least.

I am registered for 4 courses this semester: Effective communication, Financial Accounting, Politics and Psychology. All I have to say is "Woe" for the people who have to deal with me for the next 12 weeks. Especially my mother. She gets the brunt of everything that involves my untrained psycho-analysis. Now I have text to back it up. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I hate this time of year though. When vacation ends, best friends leave for college abroad (bye Tish) and a brand new batch of rich brats to sift through. I could definitely do without it. Right now, I am trying to get my textbooks situation sorted out. After paying an arm and a leg in tuition fees, I now get to offer my maimed body to bookstores so I can actually get the stuff I need to learn something. Thank God for government grants.

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8/17/2005 09:45:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Out of pure curiosity and Khristalness, I have decided to give myself a culture shock and learn Italian. It is totally impulsive and will probably last for a week at most, but I must commend myself on my fervor. So far I have spent the last two hours scrounging around the Internet, browsing free tutorial sites and picking up phrases and learning verb forms.

This has happened before with many a thing, namely anything to do with exercise and deeding, or dance classes or planning to read 20 books this summer, or cleaning the house. I start out as a fall of energy, bouncing off the walls with childish enthusiasm, the next thing you know, I get distracted by... Oh, I don't know, an insect on the wall, a television show, a mischievous boyfriend. And POOF! I forget all about it and move onto something else, leaving trails of my last escapade scattered on the floor for the world to see. I am seriously beginning to worry about me having A.D.D. I am actually surprised this blog has lasted for as long as it has. (More than a year. YAY ME!)

Anyway, my new obsession has taken hold and I intend to satisfy this linguistic craving. Tomorrow I plan to go buy one of those tutorial cds and listen and learn to my heart's content... for a week. Then it's back to being fickle me again. You see what boredom and an "Under the Tuscan Sun" DVD can do to you? And they say children are the impressionable one. HA!


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Sarah McLachlan- Fallen

8/15/2005 10:48:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

sarah mclachlin - fallen

- Get More Music Videos @ MusicFeet.com

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Girl Crush

8/12/2005 08:04:00 AM Edit This 4 Comments »

I have a confession to make.

I have the HUGEST crush on the following 3 women. No, I am not gay or bi-sexual, I just think that they are fucking hot!

1) Katherine Moennig.

She plays Shane, the resident philanderer, on the L-Word. She has this amazing androgynous style that, to be completely honest, makes me weak in the knees. Even her voice gives me shivers.. Damn.

2) Sarah Shahi.

Another Member of the L-Word cast, a more recent addition. She plays Carmen, a DJ (I haven't seen the show for quite a while so I'm not too sure of her actual role). She is just plain gorgeous. And that tattoo (that I'm not sure is real) that she has on the show around her hips leaves me speechless. Also on the show there was this amazing sex scene in a recording both between "Carmen" and "Shane" that seriously had me questioning my sexuality.

3) And Last but not least: Lucy Liu.

She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Asian or otherwise. to cut a long story short.... If given the chance.. I'd hit it!

I'm am positive I am not the only heterosexual woman with a crush on another woman and according to this article I am right.

So... who are your Girl Crushes?

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Oh my God!! I can see the floor.

8/12/2005 07:22:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I am a notorious packrat. So much so, I still have little bits and pieces of paper and other such trinkets from 15 years ago... what's even worse about that is, my family moved from our olf house 5 years ago and I still brought the junk with me. Also, I have a huge aversion to cleaning. It's not like I don't like to do it...okay, yes it is.... but I'd have to be in a particular mood to clean and an even better mood to clean properly. Let's put it this way, I've been depressed for four months and my room reflected my mood.

After much gentle cajoling (yelling and screaming) from my parental unit, I'm 20 year old college student, yes I'm still living with the 'rents, namely my mother who is a notorious neat freak and perfectionist (must have gotten my cleaning allergy from my father) I forced myself to batten down the hatches and enter the carnage Hurricane Moody had left behind. There were weeks of unwashed clothes on the floor, paper strewn everywhere, at least four inches of dust on my ceiling fan (which has NEVER been cleaned) and some mysterious stains behind my bed. Needless to say, it should have been quarantined.

It took 8 hours to clean, top to bottom. But it's finally clean. I got rid of everything: old papers, movie ticket stubs, my old pet cheese...everything. Now, it's gleaming and, well, bare. I never realized I had so much space to spare on my shelves. The barreness is highly disturbing. So I'm going to find some new knick knacks to fill the void soon because I need my clutter, dammit. Should be fun to go shopping for my room... I may even end up redecorating. Nice!

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I'm against Homophobia.

8/12/2005 12:07:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Please repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

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Say No to Camel toe

8/08/2005 08:20:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »

If there is one thing In the world I hate seeing is a Canyon Crotch. For God's Sake people wear pants that fit... Not ones that ride up all the way to your throat. Or, for the more economically conscious PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN!

Apparently no one is safe from the wrath of the Camel toe.



Even Celebrities are afflicted with the horrific toe.

There are even websites dedicated to the Curse of the Toe: The Camel Toe Report is one of them

And here is the product that is responsible for it all.
Product of the day Posted by Picasa

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8/06/2005 08:10:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

God I miss the beach. Here is a pic of Maracas beach, one of Trinidad's most popular beaches. Posted by Picasa

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Just keep Swimming

8/06/2005 07:59:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

JEEZ! I need to go to the beach. I haven't gone in almost a year and I live on an island for Chrissakes. What I wouldn't do for a day of warm sand between my toes, salty breezes and some Maracas bake and shark (don't knock it 'till you've tried it).
The pic above this post is of Maracas beach. Ain't it gorgeous?

I actually found a recipe for it online at Caribseek.com

Bake and Shark

Shark Preparation


  • Juice from 1 lime
  • 1 pound shark meat, cut into pieces about 3 or 4 inches long and 1 inch wide
  • 1 teaspoon minced garlic
  • 2 tablespoons minced chives or green onion tops
  • 1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups flour seasoned with salt and pepper
  • Vegetable oil for frying

Sprinkle the lime juice over the shark meat and let sit for 5 minutes. Combine the garlic, chives, thyme, and salt and mix well.
Rinse the shark with water and dip the pieces first in the spicy mixture and then in the flour, coating them well.
Fry the shark, a few pieces at a time, in the hot oil, turning often, for about 12 minutes. Drain on paper towels and serve wrapped in Bakes..
Sprinkle the shark-and-bake with your favorite hot sauce.

The shark can be marinated for 2 hours in a mixture of lime juice, onion, garlic, thyme, and minced Congo pepper.

Bake Preparation


  • 2 cups flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • ½ cup butter
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • Water
  • Vegetable oil for frying

Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Add the shortening and sugar, and mix with a fork. Add enough water to make a dough and knead gently. Cut the dough into 4 to 6 pieces (depending on how large you want the bakes to be) and roll each piece into a ball. Let stand for a few minutes.

Flatten the balls of dough until they are about ¼ inch thick, and fry in hot oil until they are brown. Remove and drain on paper towels.


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Another small dose of me

8/05/2005 11:23:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

10 more things about me.

  1. I love Green Gummi Bears
  2. I have a thing for men with accents
  3. I had my first kiss at 18.
  4. I am the person my friends come to for advice.
  5. I have 6 pitbulls
  6. I think David Beckham is the sexiest metrosexual alive.
  7. My favorite body part on a man is his neck and shoulders.
  8. I love Janeane Garofalo
  9. I still think she is the inspiration for Daria
  10. I love Japanese anime and go to the festivals. (no I am not a fan girl, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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Now that I got that out of my system

8/05/2005 04:37:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I can move on to other more positive things.

  • I've gone on sabattical from the internet, so all those porn sites and forums will have to do without my patronage for a little while. I've decided I need to get out of my house and into ....errr life I guess. Being holed up in my room isn't going to make things any better. Besides, my ass is getting wider sitting on my chair for so long every day. My mother says it's all that crap I eat... I beg to differ.

  • Went surfing today came across a couple good blogs(yes I do know this counts as being on the internet.... one step at a time, people, one step at a time) .
  • It's Friday.. which should be celebrated by itself. But considering I'm a bum and it's just like any other day of the week for me, I'll celebrate for you poor slobs that had to go to work today.
That's all for now people. Have fun this weekend.

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One of those days

8/05/2005 09:47:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I've been trying my best not to write those deep, introspective posts lately. Mostly in an attempt not to depress myself with what I write or to find out what is really on my mind. In truth and in fact I've been living on the surface of my brain for the last few weeks, trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong and trying hard not to overanalyze and internalize. Gives a new meaning to the word "shallowness', doesn't it? I have also been trying to maintain a bit of detatchment and a sense of anonymity which I will probably still keep but this shit is personal. *sigh*

The truth is, I haven't spoken to my father for four months. Ever since April, when he banged my mother's head against the wall, hit me and threatened to kill my boyfriend with a small sickle he keeps by his bed (he's a sensei and uses it for martial arts purposes), for defending us. After he verbally slandered my reputation in front of the entire neighbourhood and to his friends over the phone. After he lied blatantly to the police about what really went down and my mother took it like a weak woman that I never suspected her to be. Can you believe he is still here? In this house after what he did? I knew my father was an asshole but never to this degree. This isn't the first time this happened. He has the temper of a rabid dog. Why my mother doesn't leave is beyond me. I begged her on numerous occassions to go but she wouldn't budge and the only reason I am still here is because of her. That day in April was the longest day of my life.

I really can't talk about it much anymore. Usually, I don't let it affect me in that way and as much as it has. I am disowned now and supposedly no longer have ties with him. Yet he's still here. Under the same roof. And he doesn't seem to think that what he did was wrong. Honestly, the day my father apologizes it will be a cold day in hell.

My mother wants me to forgive him. HA! Like that will ever happen. How can I? I may consider it if he apologizes, ten thousand times over and proceeds to remove himself completely from my life as there is nothing good to come from a continued relationship with him. And I do mean Consider. Nothing more, nothing less. If I have learned one thing from him, that is how to be relentless. Other than that, FAT CHANCE.

I find this to be the hardest thing to admit. Being a victim of domestic violence. The domestic violence part of it is hard enough... but the victim part is the most hurtful. I hate being vulnerable. I hate people seeing my soft underside. I hate being taken advantage of and no one is able to do it unless I let them get close. Probably the reason why I have shut so many people out of my life since.

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40 things

8/04/2005 11:34:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »

40 things about me.... Just cause I was too lazy to do 100. Ok ok! I'm just not that interesting.

  1. I have a weird accent, most likely the by product of my Catholic School beginnings
  2. I am outrageously moody
  3. I don't eat rice on Sundays
  4. I used to be really into Romance novels. REALLY into them.
  5. This is the 20th time I am attempting this list
  6. I am a procrastinator of the worst sort
  7. I have a weakness for Cheesecake
  8. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac...Though I hate doctors.
  9. I did a self test for skitzophrenia once and got 9 out of 10... The aliens haven't attacked my brain since.
  10. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life
  11. My parents are separated and are still living in the same house
  12. They have been in the process of a divorce for 8 years
  13. I can be very messy
  14. I love watching unusual movies like Punch Drunk Love and Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless mind
  15. I love musicals.
  16. I have an accessory fetish
  17. My favorite body part are my eyes.. That's the only thing on me that can't put on weight
  18. I can be inherently lazy
  19. I love God but am skeptical about religion
  20. I am the most complicated person I know
  21. I am terrified of rejection
  22. I write poetry
  23. I love rainy days.. They seem peaceful to me
  24. I was a Backstreet Boys fan for many years. STFU.
  25. I am afraid of failure
  26. I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression
  27. I am pursuing a degree in Business Administration but I want to branch out into Marketing and/or Child Pyschology
  28. I am a HUGE LOTR (Lord of the Rings fan)
  29. I met my boyfriend on the Internet... not a dating site though. I'm not that desperate.
  30. I used to do karate as a child. My father is a sensei.
  31. I have never really been in a fist fight with anyone
  32. "I don't fight.. I beat bitches up"
  33. I suck at dancing
  34. I sing Show tunes in the shower
  35. I do voices (which annoys the hell out of Mr.S)
  36. I love romantic comedies with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
  37. I can't sleep without a fan or a/c
  38. I am an avid gamer
  39. I am an insomniac of the worst sort.
  40. I would give my right arm for ten minutes with Johnny Depp. That pretty boy can do no wrong not to mention he's a great actor.

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Haiku to you too

8/04/2005 10:04:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Ode to a cockblocker
Your phonecalls ruined the mood
Damn you cockblocker.

Yes.. I'm still mad about it. *grumble*

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Mr. S and me

8/02/2005 11:27:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I spent the day with Mr. S yesterday and last Wednesday. We haven't been completely alone like that since April. We spent most of the day on his bed watching movies. I missed that. I missed him.

I almost threw my cell phone out the window on Wednesday though I had forgotten to take off my phone and people kept fucking calling. Bloody COCK BLOCKERS!


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I may be skitzophrenic but at least I have each other.

7/30/2005 10:13:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Ladies and Gentlemen.... I have come to the conclusion that I am crazed as hell. Being the Mad Scientist of self-analysis and countless hours of research on what was wrong with me, I have compiled a list of very possible neuroses that I may be afflicted with.

But if I write them all out today this entry will be WAAAAAY too long. So I hereby dub every Saturday from now on: Skitzo Saturday.

(1) Bi- Polar Disorder:

Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. It is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person's mood can alternate between the "poles" mania (highs) and depression (lows). This change in mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days weeks or months.

Some symptoms for Mania:
  • Increased physical and mental activity and energy (this happens once in a blue moon considering that most of the time my brain cells are not in functional condition)
  • Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence (I'm the only person that seems to think that I'm a celebrity)
  • Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior ( yeah, I can be a bitch sometimes.)
  • Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue (What is this word...sleep?)
  • Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance (*scoffs* I already said I'm a star)
  • Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas. (whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout....I E-NUN-CI-ATE!!!!)
  • Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility (I like being Im- OOOOOH cute rabid dog..Come here, Foamy, come here)
  • Reckless behavior (see above)
  • In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations ( I thought this had to do with me being High all the time.)

Well I've already been diagnosed with the depression part by a real psychologist. But we'll go through it just for the hell of it.

  • Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells ( What do you mean I already saw that movie?... *waaaaaaaaahhhhhh*)
  • Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns ( Monday: Food is for wusses, Wednesday: *GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE* *BURP*)
  • Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety (.....let's not go there)
  • Pessimism, indifference (Life sucks...but who cares)
  • Loss of energy, persistent lethargy (Press the button on the remote will ya, yeah, the one in my hand.)
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
  • Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
  • Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal ( look... people are weird. Nuff said)
  • Unexplained aches and pains (that's funny, I thought I had an orgy in my sleep... this is a lot less adventurous)
  • Recurring thoughts of death or suicide ( yeah, well. I'm too much of a coward to inflict pain anyway)

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I'm very fickle

7/30/2005 12:57:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

So this is yet another layout change... the pink one was annoying the hell out of me. It was one huge girly MESS. This one I did mostly on my own and I am proud of it considering this is the first time I have ever played around with my layouts this much. Anyways, it's still pretty much under construction, I'm trying to add a logo and stuff to it but let me know what you think so far.

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Blogging Etiquette

7/27/2005 09:20:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

On a random Google patronage (I do that ever so often) came across a guide to Blogging Etiquette on dsng.net. Being the polite blogger that I am I decided to see if I belonged in the oh-so-civilized blogging community.

My comments are in blue. That my Happy Color *bats eyelashed*

Since there's been much talk about blogging properly, here's my easy guide for n00bies on blogging etiquette:
  • Always bow before you blog. Hmmm.... I have a bad back....could be tricky
  • When you blog, do remember that the knife goes in the right hand, and the fork in the left. EGAD! I blog with my BARE HANDS! I'm such a brute!
  • Always end your posts with "thank you, it's been wonderful talking to all of you. Godspeed."
    What? F*ck off asshat doesn't work?
  • Polite bloggers NEVER use the words "asshat" or "aardvark". Whether "sexy motherf***er" can be said in polite company remains a matter of much contention. Particularly on the question of how to pronounce asterisks. *gasp* Oh FUCK!
  • The proper way to end a first blog is with a little kiss. No tongue. *cops a feel*
  • And, especially, no tongue down there. *raises head* What?!? Blasphemy!!!!
  • Remember, if you forget which keys to use, a simple little memory trick is that you should start from the outside and work your way inside. Hence, posts like "poiuy!" are the height of decorum. *blink*..... You learn something new every day huh.
  • When someone visits your blog, be sure to offer drinks. That I do! *Absinthe for EVERYBODY*
  • If you are a male blogger and said visitor is female, please remember to raise your hat when the visitor enters your blog. I'm a female... Do I get to raise my skirt?
  • Yes, you must have a hat. Trojans okay?
Thank you. It's been wonderful talking to all of you. Godspeed.

Hmmm... ALL in all..I'm a very crude blogger... Yay for me but at least I keep my elbows off the table when I eat...*very unpolite wink*

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New look, same old me.

7/27/2005 01:56:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Life has been hectic recently. I'm feeling kinda lazy so basically this post will consist of excerpts from my slightly more private blog that few others know about.

And how does that make you Feel
Appointment number 2 with the psychologist with Mums in tow. Was dreading it for weeks but had to finally bite the bullet today. It was horrific as one would expect some kind of family counseling to be. A bloodbath of raw emotion and accusation. Bleh.

I felt like I was being attacked from both sides as the good ole doctor did the worst thing she could EVER do.... Side with my mother. Every other word my mum said she agreed with. WTF!!! I'm the one who's side you should be on... in fact... you are supposed to be the mediator and remain neutral! DAMMIT MAN! Thank you so much for arming my mother with even more psychobabble and overanalysis than she already has in her arsenal.

Woe is me.

Shitty day. Need a hug and some Hagen Daaz.

Fuck man. Just when things seemed to be getting better

Getting Better

I'm almost afraid to speak too soon but life seems to be getting better. Things still aren't going my way but I'm content for now. I haven't had a moment like that in ages so I'm holding on to it as much as I possibly can.

I've realized that happiness isn't that huge cloud of elation that people wait for endlessly wishing to be enveloped in an almost tangible utopia. And they die hopelessly unfulfilled. Rather, it is in a collection of little moments and personal triumphs, where you will find you happiness and serenity. I've started living in those moments and it seems to be working so far.

It feels great to rediscover my passions again.

Rediscovering my inner child and my thoughts on the Half blood Prince

Finished the Half Blood Prince today. Can't wait for Book 7. I am amazed at the depth this book reached though. It wasn't your regular run of the mill Harry Potter Book. Which is probably why I loved it so much.


This book had some seriously disturbing undertones. It read very much like a psychological thriller and I absolutely loved it. It seemed like a "Fellowship of the Ring" type book to me, linking all the other books and setting the stage for Book 7.

Voldemort is an even more disturbed individual than I originally thought. Splitting your soul into seven pieces not something your run of the mill villain would do. J.K dig real deep with this one.

I had to put down the book for a good hour when I find out AD died. Tears for so oui.
But then again Kill or be killed are some devious odds to go up against. I suppose Dumbledore expected it and prepared himself for it duly. It was still very sad to see him go.

Real hookups in the book for real. Not surprised by Harry and Ginny (Peter and Mary Jane all over again?) I find Ron and Hermione real sticking though. Fleur really redeemed herself at the end of course. But the hookup of the year was Tonks and Remus.

J.K really took this one to the dark side and back oui. I am trying very hard not to speculate on what the last one will bring.

After this J.K better bring out a Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts University eh! I can't take the finale blow twice... LOTR was more than enough.

Moving on the Chronicle of Narnia series now. Anticipating good things from it. SO far I'm up to #7 in my 20 books for the summer goal. The Narnia series will make it 14.

I kept a promise today. That felt good. I'm happy

Plus size shopping in Trinidad

Hear nah...shopping in Trinidad, if you are a bit bigger than the average, is forking hell. Some stores need to shove the "plus sizes available" sign in their window down their bloody throats and choke on them... because the clothing is either 1) the ugliest piece of crap I have ever seen... it makes me think they want to drape me in rejected clown outfits and bury me in a linen hell.... or 2) there was a major accident in the sizing label part of the factory and the XLs are actually XS. I'm not sure if they expect me to buy two of each article of clothing and sew them together so that they can actually be pulled over my boobs or over my hips and thighs.. but either way.. it is pure unadulterated bullshit.

So that is basically my life since then. I'll start writing again consistently from tomorrow... Hopefully.. No promises. But until then... Enjoy my art.

Also... Let me know if you like the new template.

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