Would it hurt you?

9/18/2005 10:49:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I came across this site PostSecret while reading Colin's Blog. It is "an ongoing community art project where people mail-in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard."
I started reading some of them when I came across this one...



Now I don't have a stepfather, a husband, or a wedding planned anytime soon for that matter but it got me thinking. My father and I don't have the best relationship. As of April of this year we don't have a relationship at all. I haven't found the courage yet to open up completely and say why we don't have one , maybe one day....

I do plan to get married of course. Most likely to my current boyfriend who is the best thing that has ever happened to me but, of course, that won't go over too well with dear old Daddy. Not that I really care what he thinks, I'm going to marry whoever the hell I want, but I digress...

The postcard made me think of whether or not he would walk me down the aisle or even be invited to the wedding. Frankly, my father fucked up. It's so strained right now I don't think I would ever forgive him for what he has did and continues to do to this day. There are people who would say "Quit bitching about it, your childhood is over and you should get over it" but how the fuck do you get over something or someone when they have become the proverbial thorn embedded deep into your ribcage and bleed you dry. Everytime, I heal it happens again and I am so fucking gullible I allow it to happen. Over and over again. Getting worse everytime. I can probably forgive in time, but to forget would be an injustice to myself. It would allow me to set myself up to have my dignity ripped to shreds and shoved up my ass wrapped in razorwire. Yes, it's that bad.

I have contemplated so many ways of getting revenge. Of evening the score, to hurt him like he hurt me. But what would that prove? That I am as bad as he is? That I am vindictive like he is? That I am following in his disatrous footsteps? It would be my greatest fear realized. But it seems so inevitable.

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1 comments:

Madison21 said...

Honey you got your to bestfriends to walk you down the isles. so screw whoever doesn't want to