The fidelity of friendship: Moving up and moving on

9/07/2005 04:16:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I'm not a loner or a hermit but I am a bit of a recluse when it comes to friends, these days especially. You know people who use the word associate and acquaintance to describe relationships, I'm one of them. To me, I have 1 boyfriend, 2 best friends, 2 very good friends, few associates and many acquaintances.

I'm the type of person that chooses friends for life rather than an unknown period of time. In my opinion, I am a pretty good judge of character and can sum up a personality after about 3 conversations. I'm like this because I am fickle with trust. I trust so easily to begin with, with no qualms or regrets, but if someone breaks my trust it is near impossible to regain.

I have had the same friends since the beginning of high school up till now. Some falling into oblivion on the way but resurfacing every once in a while. Some have gone away to college but we keep in touch. I never realized how attached I was to some of them until they left and moved on without me.

I always assumed that when this whole college thing was over that it would go right back to the way it was before. I've lied to myself worse before so it felt credible. I always thought that it would be the way it was in Secondary school. Doing everything and nothing at the same time. Sharing lives, the way we used to. At one point, we knew everything about each other. So close it was almost intuitive. No words we necessary. The three of us, I thought were inseparable. Like I said. I lied to myself worse before.

I never realized how much I clung to that friendship. Needing it like the living need air. I deluded myself into thinking we would be this way forever. That even if our lives did go separate ways we could always pick up where we left off as though it never changed. As though we were still the same people we were back then. Now I wonder if they've moved on or moved up.

You know that friend you've had before you could remember. The one who is always reminiscing about the good times you had. What is was like before. How great things were. The friend that was stuck in that time capsule. Whenever you talk to them, it a continuous walk down memory lane and you feel like they don't add anything new to your life. The friendship is stuck and boring like a stick in the mud. Yeah?? Well, I'm that friend.

Everyone around me is doing new things, leading new lives... Getting somewhere. Doing all the things that I would love to do. Living life. Adding to themselves. Whenever they need a fix of the "good old times" they come to me. Whenever they need a tether to the life they had: Time Capsule friend is there. Quite possibly, a necessary evil.

I know nothing about my friends anymore. Well, I know stuff about them. I know what they are doing with their lives and sometimes everyday activity. But I know nothing of their character anymore. They've all grown without me and I'm still a shrub amidst trees. The little sapling that could. Loyal to the end. The one that's easy to leave behind while they all move up and on.

Dammit, now I've gone and depressed myself.

Stumble Upon Toolbar


Tish said...

Seems like we've all been thinking of our relationship now. I feel like we've grown apart so much. I barely say what's going on in my life except the outside information. Sometimes I don't even know the response I would get when I say something, before I knew what it would have been like.

I really do miss the old days though, it's hard to have such a close relationship with people outside of our s.o. and family. I think cause we invest so much attention to them. Especially me, I admit that.

Argh, we need a talk on msn.