One of those days

8/05/2005 09:47:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

I've been trying my best not to write those deep, introspective posts lately. Mostly in an attempt not to depress myself with what I write or to find out what is really on my mind. In truth and in fact I've been living on the surface of my brain for the last few weeks, trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong and trying hard not to overanalyze and internalize. Gives a new meaning to the word "shallowness', doesn't it? I have also been trying to maintain a bit of detatchment and a sense of anonymity which I will probably still keep but this shit is personal. *sigh*

The truth is, I haven't spoken to my father for four months. Ever since April, when he banged my mother's head against the wall, hit me and threatened to kill my boyfriend with a small sickle he keeps by his bed (he's a sensei and uses it for martial arts purposes), for defending us. After he verbally slandered my reputation in front of the entire neighbourhood and to his friends over the phone. After he lied blatantly to the police about what really went down and my mother took it like a weak woman that I never suspected her to be. Can you believe he is still here? In this house after what he did? I knew my father was an asshole but never to this degree. This isn't the first time this happened. He has the temper of a rabid dog. Why my mother doesn't leave is beyond me. I begged her on numerous occassions to go but she wouldn't budge and the only reason I am still here is because of her. That day in April was the longest day of my life.

I really can't talk about it much anymore. Usually, I don't let it affect me in that way and as much as it has. I am disowned now and supposedly no longer have ties with him. Yet he's still here. Under the same roof. And he doesn't seem to think that what he did was wrong. Honestly, the day my father apologizes it will be a cold day in hell.

My mother wants me to forgive him. HA! Like that will ever happen. How can I? I may consider it if he apologizes, ten thousand times over and proceeds to remove himself completely from my life as there is nothing good to come from a continued relationship with him. And I do mean Consider. Nothing more, nothing less. If I have learned one thing from him, that is how to be relentless. Other than that, FAT CHANCE.

I find this to be the hardest thing to admit. Being a victim of domestic violence. The domestic violence part of it is hard enough... but the victim part is the most hurtful. I hate being vulnerable. I hate people seeing my soft underside. I hate being taken advantage of and no one is able to do it unless I let them get close. Probably the reason why I have shut so many people out of my life since.

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