Mind Fuck.

8/27/2005 06:56:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »


So I am scheduled (or as you Americans say : Skeduled) to see the school psychiatrist again, on Thursday coming, to find out if I need to be put to mood stabilizers aka Zoloft. I was given 2 months to come out of my trauma induced depression, without the aid of pharmaceuticals, and I think I've done pretty well. Well, minus the bout of moodiness and sudden tears that I blame soundly on PMS that is.

So once again I get to go sit in her office (hole in the wall at my tiny college) and see how long it takes her to get me to burst into tears talking about my dsyfunctional childhood and idiot father. The past two occasions it took less than 10 minutes, this time I'm going for the record.

Talking about the idiot father, he has suddenly decided to go back to being Daddy again. This of course includes me baby sitting his illegitimate son, also known as my little half brother. If this is what it means to be at some kind of unspoken truce between the both of us, well, mostly him, I think I'd rather the long, awkward silences and grunts of acknowledgement.

My little brother is 8 years old. Born in the midst of marital strife between my parents and right at the beginning of my adolesence. So not only was it, "Oh my god, I'm getting breasts, acne and armpit hair". It was also "Here K, look after the little brother I got for you that you mother didn't bear, doesn't know about and wouldn't care to know... so let's keep it a secret and lie to her at all costs." Let's just say my teenage years weren't the best I could have had. Still isn't considering I'm only one year over that hill.

It was really interesting how I came to know the little illegitimate munchkin. Basically, I had a Solar System project to do at my best friend's house and I was just leaving a great weekend at my cousin's house. My father had called and said he was outside waiting for me to take me to that friend's house and said that I should hurry outside. So I packed my bags in haste, said a rushed goodbye to my cousins and their dogs and ran outside to my father's Datsun Bluebird.

I see my father (who is also a karate sensei) and his friend (another sensei) in the car. My father smiles at me and I get into the backseat. I put my bags down and see an empty carseat in the back. Confused but indifferent, I take my favorite position in the car (kneeling on the seat with my arms around the driver's headrest), I see a small infant in my father's friend's arms. I gasp and proceed to ooh and aah at the baby. To my surprise, daddy lets me hold the baby in the backseat. So feeling like a "big girl", I sit back stiffly but responsibly in the seat and hold the baby in my protective 11 year old arms. Then the questions start.

Me: "Sensei R (my dad's friend) is this your baby?"
Sensei R: *uncomfortable silence* "No, K. It isn't"
Me: Oh ok.
*pause*
Me: Who's is it then?
Daddy: It's yours honey.
Me: *puzzled* *eyebrow cocks* Haha Daddy I didn't have a baby.
Daddy: *His eyes fixated on the road before him* No K, you didn't. I had one.
Me: *matter-of-factly* Boys can't have babies Daddy. Stop being silly.
Daddy: It's your brother dear.
Me: What are you talking about? My mother didn't have a baby? Did we adopt one?
Daddy: No we didn't. And I know your mother didn't make one. But it's your brother.
Me: Oh ok. If you say so. Who made him then?
Daddy: Another lady.
Me: Who is not my mother?
Daddy: *silence*
Me: Right?
Daddy: Yes.
Me: Does mummy know this?
Daddy: No. And we won't tell her okay. She'll get mad at us and it would hurt her.
Me: *silence*
Daddy: Ok.
Me: Ok Daddy. *thinks* (I so don't get this)

I am sincerely beginning to think my father is the reason why I am such a good liar today.

Thanks Dad.

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New Semester, new complex.

8/26/2005 10:15:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »



So Classes start on September 5 this semester. I get to deal with ditzy cheerleader types, self proclaimed intellectuals and wannabe frat boys. Needless to say I will resume my role of selective outcast once again. This should be very interesting to say the least.

I am registered for 4 courses this semester: Effective communication, Financial Accounting, Politics and Psychology. All I have to say is "Woe" for the people who have to deal with me for the next 12 weeks. Especially my mother. She gets the brunt of everything that involves my untrained psycho-analysis. Now I have text to back it up. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I hate this time of year though. When vacation ends, best friends leave for college abroad (bye Tish) and a brand new batch of rich brats to sift through. I could definitely do without it. Right now, I am trying to get my textbooks situation sorted out. After paying an arm and a leg in tuition fees, I now get to offer my maimed body to bookstores so I can actually get the stuff I need to learn something. Thank God for government grants.

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Ciao!

8/17/2005 09:45:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Out of pure curiosity and Khristalness, I have decided to give myself a culture shock and learn Italian. It is totally impulsive and will probably last for a week at most, but I must commend myself on my fervor. So far I have spent the last two hours scrounging around the Internet, browsing free tutorial sites and picking up phrases and learning verb forms.

This has happened before with many a thing, namely anything to do with exercise and deeding, or dance classes or planning to read 20 books this summer, or cleaning the house. I start out as a fall of energy, bouncing off the walls with childish enthusiasm, the next thing you know, I get distracted by... Oh, I don't know, an insect on the wall, a television show, a mischievous boyfriend. And POOF! I forget all about it and move onto something else, leaving trails of my last escapade scattered on the floor for the world to see. I am seriously beginning to worry about me having A.D.D. I am actually surprised this blog has lasted for as long as it has. (More than a year. YAY ME!)

Anyway, my new obsession has taken hold and I intend to satisfy this linguistic craving. Tomorrow I plan to go buy one of those tutorial cds and listen and learn to my heart's content... for a week. Then it's back to being fickle me again. You see what boredom and an "Under the Tuscan Sun" DVD can do to you? And they say children are the impressionable one. HA!

Arrivederci!

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Sarah McLachlan- Fallen

8/15/2005 10:48:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »


sarah mclachlin - fallen

- Get More Music Videos @ MusicFeet.com

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Girl Crush

8/12/2005 08:04:00 AM Edit This 4 Comments »

I have a confession to make.

I have the HUGEST crush on the following 3 women. No, I am not gay or bi-sexual, I just think that they are fucking hot!

1) Katherine Moennig.

She plays Shane, the resident philanderer, on the L-Word. She has this amazing androgynous style that, to be completely honest, makes me weak in the knees. Even her voice gives me shivers.. Damn.

2) Sarah Shahi.

Another Member of the L-Word cast, a more recent addition. She plays Carmen, a DJ (I haven't seen the show for quite a while so I'm not too sure of her actual role). She is just plain gorgeous. And that tattoo (that I'm not sure is real) that she has on the show around her hips leaves me speechless. Also on the show there was this amazing sex scene in a recording both between "Carmen" and "Shane" that seriously had me questioning my sexuality.


3) And Last but not least: Lucy Liu.



She is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. Asian or otherwise. to cut a long story short.... If given the chance.. I'd hit it!


I'm am positive I am not the only heterosexual woman with a crush on another woman and according to this article I am right.

So... who are your Girl Crushes?

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Oh my God!! I can see the floor.

8/12/2005 07:22:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


I am a notorious packrat. So much so, I still have little bits and pieces of paper and other such trinkets from 15 years ago... what's even worse about that is, my family moved from our olf house 5 years ago and I still brought the junk with me. Also, I have a huge aversion to cleaning. It's not like I don't like to do it...okay, yes it is.... but I'd have to be in a particular mood to clean and an even better mood to clean properly. Let's put it this way, I've been depressed for four months and my room reflected my mood.

After much gentle cajoling (yelling and screaming) from my parental unit, I'm 20 year old college student, yes I'm still living with the 'rents, namely my mother who is a notorious neat freak and perfectionist (must have gotten my cleaning allergy from my father) I forced myself to batten down the hatches and enter the carnage Hurricane Moody had left behind. There were weeks of unwashed clothes on the floor, paper strewn everywhere, at least four inches of dust on my ceiling fan (which has NEVER been cleaned) and some mysterious stains behind my bed. Needless to say, it should have been quarantined.

It took 8 hours to clean, top to bottom. But it's finally clean. I got rid of everything: old papers, movie ticket stubs, my old pet cheese...everything. Now, it's gleaming and, well, bare. I never realized I had so much space to spare on my shelves. The barreness is highly disturbing. So I'm going to find some new knick knacks to fill the void soon because I need my clutter, dammit. Should be fun to go shopping for my room... I may even end up redecorating. Nice!

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I'm against Homophobia.

8/12/2005 12:07:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I
wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Please repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

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Say No to Camel toe

8/08/2005 08:20:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »

If there is one thing In the world I hate seeing is a Canyon Crotch. For God's Sake people wear pants that fit... Not ones that ride up all the way to your throat. Or, for the more economically conscious PULL YOUR PANTS DOWN!

Apparently no one is safe from the wrath of the Camel toe.


Women


Men


Even Celebrities are afflicted with the horrific toe.


There are even websites dedicated to the Curse of the Toe: The Camel Toe Report is one of them

And here is the product that is responsible for it all.
Product of the day Posted by Picasa

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8/06/2005 08:10:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

God I miss the beach. Here is a pic of Maracas beach, one of Trinidad's most popular beaches. Posted by Picasa

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Just keep Swimming

8/06/2005 07:59:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »




JEEZ! I need to go to the beach. I haven't gone in almost a year and I live on an island for Chrissakes. What I wouldn't do for a day of warm sand between my toes, salty breezes and some Maracas bake and shark (don't knock it 'till you've tried it).
The pic above this post is of Maracas beach. Ain't it gorgeous?


I actually found a recipe for it online at Caribseek.com

Bake and Shark

Shark Preparation

Ingredients:

  • Juice from 1 lime
  • 1 pound shark meat, cut into pieces about 3 or 4 inches long and 1 inch wide
  • 1 teaspoon minced garlic
  • 2 tablespoons minced chives or green onion tops
  • 1 teaspoon minced fresh thyme
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups flour seasoned with salt and pepper
  • Vegetable oil for frying

Method:
Sprinkle the lime juice over the shark meat and let sit for 5 minutes. Combine the garlic, chives, thyme, and salt and mix well.
Rinse the shark with water and dip the pieces first in the spicy mixture and then in the flour, coating them well.
Fry the shark, a few pieces at a time, in the hot oil, turning often, for about 12 minutes. Drain on paper towels and serve wrapped in Bakes..
Sprinkle the shark-and-bake with your favorite hot sauce.

Variation:
The shark can be marinated for 2 hours in a mixture of lime juice, onion, garlic, thyme, and minced Congo pepper.

Bake Preparation

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups flour
  • 2 teaspoons baking powder
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • ½ cup butter
  • 1 teaspoon sugar
  • Water
  • Vegetable oil for frying

Method:
Sift together the flour, baking powder, and salt. Add the shortening and sugar, and mix with a fork. Add enough water to make a dough and knead gently. Cut the dough into 4 to 6 pieces (depending on how large you want the bakes to be) and roll each piece into a ball. Let stand for a few minutes.

Flatten the balls of dough until they are about ¼ inch thick, and fry in hot oil until they are brown. Remove and drain on paper towels.

Enjoy.

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Another small dose of me

8/05/2005 11:23:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »



10 more things about me.

  1. I love Green Gummi Bears
  2. I have a thing for men with accents
  3. I had my first kiss at 18.
  4. I am the person my friends come to for advice.
  5. I have 6 pitbulls
  6. I think David Beckham is the sexiest metrosexual alive.
  7. My favorite body part on a man is his neck and shoulders.
  8. I love Janeane Garofalo
  9. I still think she is the inspiration for Daria
  10. I love Japanese anime and go to the festivals. (no I am not a fan girl, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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Now that I got that out of my system

8/05/2005 04:37:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I can move on to other more positive things.

  • I've gone on sabattical from the internet, so all those porn sites and forums will have to do without my patronage for a little while. I've decided I need to get out of my house and into ....errr life I guess. Being holed up in my room isn't going to make things any better. Besides, my ass is getting wider sitting on my chair for so long every day. My mother says it's all that crap I eat... I beg to differ.

  • Went surfing today came across a couple good blogs(yes I do know this counts as being on the internet.... one step at a time, people, one step at a time) .
  • It's Friday.. which should be celebrated by itself. But considering I'm a bum and it's just like any other day of the week for me, I'll celebrate for you poor slobs that had to go to work today.
That's all for now people. Have fun this weekend.

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One of those days

8/05/2005 09:47:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »


I've been trying my best not to write those deep, introspective posts lately. Mostly in an attempt not to depress myself with what I write or to find out what is really on my mind. In truth and in fact I've been living on the surface of my brain for the last few weeks, trying not to think of what could possibly go wrong and trying hard not to overanalyze and internalize. Gives a new meaning to the word "shallowness', doesn't it? I have also been trying to maintain a bit of detatchment and a sense of anonymity which I will probably still keep but this shit is personal. *sigh*

The truth is, I haven't spoken to my father for four months. Ever since April, when he banged my mother's head against the wall, hit me and threatened to kill my boyfriend with a small sickle he keeps by his bed (he's a sensei and uses it for martial arts purposes), for defending us. After he verbally slandered my reputation in front of the entire neighbourhood and to his friends over the phone. After he lied blatantly to the police about what really went down and my mother took it like a weak woman that I never suspected her to be. Can you believe he is still here? In this house after what he did? I knew my father was an asshole but never to this degree. This isn't the first time this happened. He has the temper of a rabid dog. Why my mother doesn't leave is beyond me. I begged her on numerous occassions to go but she wouldn't budge and the only reason I am still here is because of her. That day in April was the longest day of my life.

I really can't talk about it much anymore. Usually, I don't let it affect me in that way and as much as it has. I am disowned now and supposedly no longer have ties with him. Yet he's still here. Under the same roof. And he doesn't seem to think that what he did was wrong. Honestly, the day my father apologizes it will be a cold day in hell.

My mother wants me to forgive him. HA! Like that will ever happen. How can I? I may consider it if he apologizes, ten thousand times over and proceeds to remove himself completely from my life as there is nothing good to come from a continued relationship with him. And I do mean Consider. Nothing more, nothing less. If I have learned one thing from him, that is how to be relentless. Other than that, FAT CHANCE.

I find this to be the hardest thing to admit. Being a victim of domestic violence. The domestic violence part of it is hard enough... but the victim part is the most hurtful. I hate being vulnerable. I hate people seeing my soft underside. I hate being taken advantage of and no one is able to do it unless I let them get close. Probably the reason why I have shut so many people out of my life since.

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40 things

8/04/2005 11:34:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »

40 things about me.... Just cause I was too lazy to do 100. Ok ok! I'm just not that interesting.

  1. I have a weird accent, most likely the by product of my Catholic School beginnings
  2. I am outrageously moody
  3. I don't eat rice on Sundays
  4. I used to be really into Romance novels. REALLY into them.
  5. This is the 20th time I am attempting this list
  6. I am a procrastinator of the worst sort
  7. I have a weakness for Cheesecake
  8. I'm a bit of a hypochondriac...Though I hate doctors.
  9. I did a self test for skitzophrenia once and got 9 out of 10... The aliens haven't attacked my brain since.
  10. I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life
  11. My parents are separated and are still living in the same house
  12. They have been in the process of a divorce for 8 years
  13. I can be very messy
  14. I love watching unusual movies like Punch Drunk Love and Eternal Sunshine on the Spotless mind
  15. I love musicals.
  16. I have an accessory fetish
  17. My favorite body part are my eyes.. That's the only thing on me that can't put on weight
  18. I can be inherently lazy
  19. I love God but am skeptical about religion
  20. I am the most complicated person I know
  21. I am terrified of rejection
  22. I write poetry
  23. I love rainy days.. They seem peaceful to me
  24. I was a Backstreet Boys fan for many years. STFU.
  25. I am afraid of failure
  26. I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression
  27. I am pursuing a degree in Business Administration but I want to branch out into Marketing and/or Child Pyschology
  28. I am a HUGE LOTR (Lord of the Rings fan)
  29. I met my boyfriend on the Internet... not a dating site though. I'm not that desperate.
  30. I used to do karate as a child. My father is a sensei.
  31. I have never really been in a fist fight with anyone
  32. "I don't fight.. I beat bitches up"
  33. I suck at dancing
  34. I sing Show tunes in the shower
  35. I do voices (which annoys the hell out of Mr.S)
  36. I love romantic comedies with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
  37. I can't sleep without a fan or a/c
  38. I am an avid gamer
  39. I am an insomniac of the worst sort.
  40. I would give my right arm for ten minutes with Johnny Depp. That pretty boy can do no wrong not to mention he's a great actor.

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Haiku to you too

8/04/2005 10:04:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


Ode to a cockblocker
Your phonecalls ruined the mood
Damn you cockblocker.


Yes.. I'm still mad about it. *grumble*

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Mr. S and me

8/02/2005 11:27:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I spent the day with Mr. S yesterday and last Wednesday. We haven't been completely alone like that since April. We spent most of the day on his bed watching movies. I missed that. I missed him.

I almost threw my cell phone out the window on Wednesday though I had forgotten to take off my phone and people kept fucking calling. Bloody COCK BLOCKERS!

ARRGH!

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