Pharmaceutical Happiness

7/08/2005 01:28:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I always thought something was wrong with me... But I didn't know just how bad it was until yesterday. Lately I've been really isolated and unhappy (to say the least). I've had no energy, no appetite and no social life. I basically shut most of the people I considered close friends out and was and still am living in a cloistered existence.

I've been missing a lot of class.. Not because I was physically sick but I just couldn't muster the energy to get up and go. It was horrible. And I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. I mean... I knew but wouldn't acknowledge that that was the reason for it. That my failed relationship with my father had affected me so deeply.

There was a thread posted on a forum I visit often on Father's Day. I can't remember the name exactly but It had something to do with how your father had affected your life. I was going to post and had written and re-written it over and over again but inevitably deleted all I had written. I couldn't face it then and probably still can't now and in case you hadn't noticed.. this blog is devoid of a Father's day tribute.

My father has made my life a living hell. I hate to say that someone has such an effect on me and I'm not sure how accurate that statement is but that is the closest I can get to the truth. Actually, if I want to be politically correct I can say "My father has introduced situation in my life that have made my life a living hell" but screw politically correct.

Up to this day I could never muster the courage to tell him how much he has hurt me. How badly I have been affected by his actions and reactions. How daunted I feel by him and how much I wish I could hate him without feeling guilty about it. I despise feeling this vulnerable, feeling like I can't cope with everyday life because of a shitty situation. *sigh* Anyway, that is not the reason for this post.

In an attempt to regain control over my life. I took the initiative and went to see the school counselor. It took me a week to gather the courage to even make the appointment and even more to actually show up for the session. It took all of 15 minutes to go in, start talking, burst into tears (which I HATE doing in front of people I don't know) and be diagnosed with clinical depression. Like I didn't see that coming. I was advised to take the rest of the Semester off and restart again in September. I was also told that I would need to go in for an "official" psychiatric evaluation to be prescribed with antidepressants. OH JOY!!! Dysfunction #5675 is on the brink. Lovely.

What I find incredibly humorous about this situation is that when she told me that I have to go for the evaluation she said Oh so sweetly.."It's not because you're crazy". LOL How can you be so sure? *facial tick*

Ahh the Joys of Zoloft.

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