I may be skitzophrenic but at least I have each other.

7/30/2005 10:13:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Ladies and Gentlemen.... I have come to the conclusion that I am crazed as hell. Being the Mad Scientist of self-analysis and countless hours of research on what was wrong with me, I have compiled a list of very possible neuroses that I may be afflicted with.

But if I write them all out today this entry will be WAAAAAY too long. So I hereby dub every Saturday from now on: Skitzo Saturday.

(1) Bi- Polar Disorder:

Bipolar disorder (also known as manic depression) is a treatable illness marked by extreme changes in mood, thought, energy and behavior. It is not a character flaw or a sign of personal weakness. Bipolar disorder is also known as manic depression because a person's mood can alternate between the "poles" mania (highs) and depression (lows). This change in mood or "mood swing" can last for hours, days weeks or months.

Some symptoms for Mania:
  • Increased physical and mental activity and energy (this happens once in a blue moon considering that most of the time my brain cells are not in functional condition)
  • Heightened mood, exaggerated optimism and self-confidence (I'm the only person that seems to think that I'm a celebrity)
  • Excessive irritability, aggressive behavior ( yeah, I can be a bitch sometimes.)
  • Decreased need for sleep without experiencing fatigue (What is this word...sleep?)
  • Grandiose delusions, inflated sense of self-importance (*scoffs* I already said I'm a star)
  • Racing speech, racing thoughts, flight of ideas. (whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout....I E-NUN-CI-ATE!!!!)
  • Impulsiveness, poor judgment, distractibility (I like being Im- OOOOOH cute rabid dog..Come here, Foamy, come here)
  • Reckless behavior (see above)
  • In the most severe cases, delusions and hallucinations ( I thought this had to do with me being High all the time.)

Well I've already been diagnosed with the depression part by a real psychologist. But we'll go through it just for the hell of it.

  • Prolonged sadness or unexplained crying spells ( What do you mean I already saw that movie?... *waaaaaaaaahhhhhh*)
  • Significant changes in appetite and sleep patterns ( Monday: Food is for wusses, Wednesday: *GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE* *BURP*)
  • Irritability, anger, worry, agitation, anxiety (.....let's not go there)
  • Pessimism, indifference (Life sucks...but who cares)
  • Loss of energy, persistent lethargy (Press the button on the remote will ya, yeah, the one in my hand.)
  • Feelings of guilt, worthlessness
  • Inability to concentrate, indecisiveness
  • Inability to take pleasure in former interests, social withdrawal ( look... people are weird. Nuff said)
  • Unexplained aches and pains (that's funny, I thought I had an orgy in my sleep... this is a lot less adventurous)
  • Recurring thoughts of death or suicide ( yeah, well. I'm too much of a coward to inflict pain anyway)

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I'm very fickle

7/30/2005 12:57:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

So this is yet another layout change... the pink one was annoying the hell out of me. It was one huge girly MESS. This one I did mostly on my own and I am proud of it considering this is the first time I have ever played around with my layouts this much. Anyways, it's still pretty much under construction, I'm trying to add a logo and stuff to it but let me know what you think so far.

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Blogging Etiquette

7/27/2005 09:20:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

On a random Google patronage (I do that ever so often) came across a guide to Blogging Etiquette on dsng.net. Being the polite blogger that I am I decided to see if I belonged in the oh-so-civilized blogging community.

My comments are in blue. That my Happy Color *bats eyelashed*

Since there's been much talk about blogging properly, here's my easy guide for n00bies on blogging etiquette:
  • Always bow before you blog. Hmmm.... I have a bad back....could be tricky
  • When you blog, do remember that the knife goes in the right hand, and the fork in the left. EGAD! I blog with my BARE HANDS! I'm such a brute!
  • Always end your posts with "thank you, it's been wonderful talking to all of you. Godspeed."
    What? F*ck off asshat doesn't work?
  • Polite bloggers NEVER use the words "asshat" or "aardvark". Whether "sexy motherf***er" can be said in polite company remains a matter of much contention. Particularly on the question of how to pronounce asterisks. *gasp* Oh FUCK!
  • The proper way to end a first blog is with a little kiss. No tongue. *cops a feel*
  • And, especially, no tongue down there. *raises head* What?!? Blasphemy!!!!
  • Remember, if you forget which keys to use, a simple little memory trick is that you should start from the outside and work your way inside. Hence, posts like "poiuy!" are the height of decorum. *blink*..... You learn something new every day huh.
  • When someone visits your blog, be sure to offer drinks. That I do! *Absinthe for EVERYBODY*
  • If you are a male blogger and said visitor is female, please remember to raise your hat when the visitor enters your blog. I'm a female... Do I get to raise my skirt?
  • Yes, you must have a hat. Trojans okay?
Thank you. It's been wonderful talking to all of you. Godspeed.

Hmmm... ALL in all..I'm a very crude blogger... Yay for me but at least I keep my elbows off the table when I eat...*very unpolite wink*

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New look, same old me.

7/27/2005 01:56:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Life has been hectic recently. I'm feeling kinda lazy so basically this post will consist of excerpts from my slightly more private blog that few others know about.

And how does that make you Feel
Appointment number 2 with the psychologist with Mums in tow. Was dreading it for weeks but had to finally bite the bullet today. It was horrific as one would expect some kind of family counseling to be. A bloodbath of raw emotion and accusation. Bleh.

I felt like I was being attacked from both sides as the good ole doctor did the worst thing she could EVER do.... Side with my mother. Every other word my mum said she agreed with. WTF!!! I'm the one who's side you should be on... in fact... you are supposed to be the mediator and remain neutral! DAMMIT MAN! Thank you so much for arming my mother with even more psychobabble and overanalysis than she already has in her arsenal.

Woe is me.

Shitty day. Need a hug and some Hagen Daaz.

Fuck man. Just when things seemed to be getting better

Getting Better

I'm almost afraid to speak too soon but life seems to be getting better. Things still aren't going my way but I'm content for now. I haven't had a moment like that in ages so I'm holding on to it as much as I possibly can.

I've realized that happiness isn't that huge cloud of elation that people wait for endlessly wishing to be enveloped in an almost tangible utopia. And they die hopelessly unfulfilled. Rather, it is in a collection of little moments and personal triumphs, where you will find you happiness and serenity. I've started living in those moments and it seems to be working so far.

It feels great to rediscover my passions again.

Rediscovering my inner child and my thoughts on the Half blood Prince

Finished the Half Blood Prince today. Can't wait for Book 7. I am amazed at the depth this book reached though. It wasn't your regular run of the mill Harry Potter Book. Which is probably why I loved it so much.


This book had some seriously disturbing undertones. It read very much like a psychological thriller and I absolutely loved it. It seemed like a "Fellowship of the Ring" type book to me, linking all the other books and setting the stage for Book 7.

Voldemort is an even more disturbed individual than I originally thought. Splitting your soul into seven pieces not something your run of the mill villain would do. J.K dig real deep with this one.

I had to put down the book for a good hour when I find out AD died. Tears for so oui.
But then again Kill or be killed are some devious odds to go up against. I suppose Dumbledore expected it and prepared himself for it duly. It was still very sad to see him go.

Real hookups in the book for real. Not surprised by Harry and Ginny (Peter and Mary Jane all over again?) I find Ron and Hermione real sticking though. Fleur really redeemed herself at the end of course. But the hookup of the year was Tonks and Remus.

J.K really took this one to the dark side and back oui. I am trying very hard not to speculate on what the last one will bring.

After this J.K better bring out a Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts University eh! I can't take the finale blow twice... LOTR was more than enough.

Moving on the Chronicle of Narnia series now. Anticipating good things from it. SO far I'm up to #7 in my 20 books for the summer goal. The Narnia series will make it 14.

I kept a promise today. That felt good. I'm happy

Plus size shopping in Trinidad

Hear nah...shopping in Trinidad, if you are a bit bigger than the average, is forking hell. Some stores need to shove the "plus sizes available" sign in their window down their bloody throats and choke on them... because the clothing is either 1) the ugliest piece of crap I have ever seen... it makes me think they want to drape me in rejected clown outfits and bury me in a linen hell.... or 2) there was a major accident in the sizing label part of the factory and the XLs are actually XS. I'm not sure if they expect me to buy two of each article of clothing and sew them together so that they can actually be pulled over my boobs or over my hips and thighs.. but either way.. it is pure unadulterated bullshit.

So that is basically my life since then. I'll start writing again consistently from tomorrow... Hopefully.. No promises. But until then... Enjoy my art.

Also... Let me know if you like the new template.

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Hmmmm...I r an idealist

7/26/2005 12:09:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

Summary of Idealists

  • Make sense of the world using inner values
  • Focus on personal growth and the growth of others
  • Think of themselves as bright, forgiving and curious
  • May sometimes appear stubborn

More about Idealists

Idealists put time and energy into developing personal values that they use as a guide through life. They may seek fulfilment by helping others improve themselves and often want to make the world a better place. Idealists only share their inner values with people they respect.

Idealists are the most likely group to say they are vegetarian, according to a UK survey.

Idealists enjoy discussions about a wide range of topics, particularly those that deal with the future. They are typically easy-going and flexible, but if their values are challenged they may refuse to compromise.

In situations where they can’t use their talents or are unappreciated, Idealists may have trouble expressing themselves and withdraw. Under extreme stress, Idealists may become very critical of others, or lose confidence in their own ability to cope.

Recognition for their work is important to Idealists; however, they are also good at spotting false praise.

Idealist Careers

Idealists are often drawn to jobs where they can help people reach their potential. They are also attracted to careers that allow artistic creativity

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Long time no see

7/14/2005 08:09:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

Today was a good day. I haven't had one of those for while. It felt awesome, like I'm getting back into my old self again. I don't know if it was the fact that Trinidad and Tobago has yet again evaded another natural disaster.. Thank God!, but my mood was lifted along with the Hurricane warnings.

I excersized today, completely surprising myself by running on my trusty old treadmill for a good half hour.. without stopping and not even really feeling tired. Just pumped full of delicious endorphins. I ache but I ache sooo good. The hour's soak in the bubblebath did wonders for my mood as well. I even cooked which happens once in a blue moon. I feel so good right now I'm almost scared that something or someone will upset me and then it will be a fast crash into the depression again. But for now.. I feel great and that's all that matters. Now all I'm missing is my boyfriend.... Hmmmmmm.

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Terrorism in Trinidad: Copycats strike

7/12/2005 10:21:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I would never have suspected that my little country with a population of approximately 1.5 million people would EVER have to deal with random acts of terror.

Read the story here, here, and here.

As if that wasn't bad enough... some callous, insensitive pricks were calling all over the capital city with bomb scares. WHAT THE FUCK is this country coming to? As if the kidnappings and high murder rate wasn't bad enough. I am scared and completely and utterly speechless.

The politicians aren't missing a beat though. They are already at each others throats once again instead of trying to find a solution to this country's weakened state.

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7/12/2005 07:56:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I have no idea who the artist is... But this is beautiful.  Posted by Picasa

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Pharmaceutical Happiness

7/08/2005 01:28:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I always thought something was wrong with me... But I didn't know just how bad it was until yesterday. Lately I've been really isolated and unhappy (to say the least). I've had no energy, no appetite and no social life. I basically shut most of the people I considered close friends out and was and still am living in a cloistered existence.

I've been missing a lot of class.. Not because I was physically sick but I just couldn't muster the energy to get up and go. It was horrible. And I couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was. I mean... I knew but wouldn't acknowledge that that was the reason for it. That my failed relationship with my father had affected me so deeply.

There was a thread posted on a forum I visit often on Father's Day. I can't remember the name exactly but It had something to do with how your father had affected your life. I was going to post and had written and re-written it over and over again but inevitably deleted all I had written. I couldn't face it then and probably still can't now and in case you hadn't noticed.. this blog is devoid of a Father's day tribute.

My father has made my life a living hell. I hate to say that someone has such an effect on me and I'm not sure how accurate that statement is but that is the closest I can get to the truth. Actually, if I want to be politically correct I can say "My father has introduced situation in my life that have made my life a living hell" but screw politically correct.

Up to this day I could never muster the courage to tell him how much he has hurt me. How badly I have been affected by his actions and reactions. How daunted I feel by him and how much I wish I could hate him without feeling guilty about it. I despise feeling this vulnerable, feeling like I can't cope with everyday life because of a shitty situation. *sigh* Anyway, that is not the reason for this post.

In an attempt to regain control over my life. I took the initiative and went to see the school counselor. It took me a week to gather the courage to even make the appointment and even more to actually show up for the session. It took all of 15 minutes to go in, start talking, burst into tears (which I HATE doing in front of people I don't know) and be diagnosed with clinical depression. Like I didn't see that coming. I was advised to take the rest of the Semester off and restart again in September. I was also told that I would need to go in for an "official" psychiatric evaluation to be prescribed with antidepressants. OH JOY!!! Dysfunction #5675 is on the brink. Lovely.

What I find incredibly humorous about this situation is that when she told me that I have to go for the evaluation she said Oh so sweetly.."It's not because you're crazy". LOL How can you be so sure? *facial tick*

Ahh the Joys of Zoloft.

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On the verge of a breakdown

7/06/2005 02:44:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

So for my own sanity I won't be posting until further notice. Thanks to all those who read my blog...all 10 of you lol. Hopefully I' be back soon. But until then. Bye.

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