Wearing thin

6/29/2005 11:00:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

There are some things going on in my life I can't make sense of anymore. Some things I'm not proud of, some things I regret, some things I wish I could change. Admittedly, my flair for the melodramatic makes these things a bit more prominent than they should or could be but that's life.

I am honestly tired of using the phrase "That's just me." I've realized I've used it as a defense mechanism when someone points out my faults (or rather reinforces the fear of them). I'm resistant to change. I don't fear it but I fight tooth and nail to keep things stable. Most change has brought nothing but pain. I've had too much of that. Someone told me today that I have sad eyes. They said I have an old soul and have been through more than I should at my age. That there was a wealth of emotion hidden somewhere in them. Apparently it wasn't hidden well enough.

How much of a threshold for sorrow do I have? I feel like I've been pushed to the edge and back and my resilience is wearing thin. Unnervingly so. Alarmingly so. Uncomfortably so. I am more vulnerable now than I have ever been and I hate that.

On a positive note. I've been writing again. Poetry, mostly. Not often...But it feels so good to let some of it out. I have found my passion for prose again as well. It's been a long time since I have smiled a genuine smile to myself. I hope that I am finally on the road to recovery and I can find some solace again.

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Madison21 said...

The fear of change is what creates a great experience hon. We got your back. And as for eyes if the are reflecting a saddness honey you to examine, find and fix. Laters