Nonchalant

6/09/2005 10:00:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Maybe he's right, my significant other that is, about my apathy. To me, it's better than erractic behavior and manic depression. It's better than my bouts of suspected bi-polarity. Isn't it?

Lately, I've been feeling sort of empty. A shell of my former self. Like I had to re-educate myself about being myself. And I realized... Shit... That's just me growing up. It's just me becoming who I am supposed to be. I don't want a lot of the same things I wanted anymore. I am becoming nonchalant, numb and otherwise unresponsive. And I don't see anything wrong with it. I think, maybe, I need to be this way for a while. Get my head out of the cloud and welcome myself to the real world. I can't be what people expect me to be any longer, I have to be what I want to be.. Whether or not I have a clear view of what that is. I don't expect to be the source of anyone's happiness. I can't be. That happiness would be horrendously superficial. I don't mind making you happy and I love doing that... But being your happiness? I can't do that. That is above any human being's capabilities.

This may seem selfish to people reading this, but it is ultimately true. I am, for once, being realistic. I am flushing away idealism for just one second and saying. I CAN'T BE THAT. I can't be responsible for your happiness. I will ultimately fail. I am not equipped to carry that burden. I am not Altas, able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders... Shit.. I can't deal with my own problems most times. Heck almost all the time. Don't base your happiness around my instability. It will crash before your eyes. And I don't want to be the one to blame. I can't handle that. I couldn't handle seeing you hurt because of me. It would break me.

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