In a rut

6/19/2005 10:44:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

At 20... Can you believe it? I've been stuck in this bloody pothole of angst and depression for a few months now and I can't seem to get out of it. I have tried everything I can think of but I have no desire to do anything.

I've been trying to write about it for almost a week now so I can analyze what's happening to me but every time I do this piece of shit computer keeps shutting down on me. *sigh* Nothing is going right. I won't lie though things are getting better but I'm very skeptical about it I keep thinking that it's all going to crash down on my head once again. Probably a self fulfilling prophesy put it's so hard to keep and level head and be optimistic when you feel like sh--- err crap.

I feel like I must be the most flawed person on the planet. I am constantly hearing the areas in which I am not up to par and probably will never be. Certain people have told me that they feel like failures because they weren't able to influence me to change. It hurts so bad that they said that and it hurts even more that it's true. I feel awful that I can't seem to be any better. I can't seem to "grow up". I can't seem to reach that "potential" that they see in me. What fucking potential? This is probably as good as it gets. And I hate that. I feel like I am stuck in this lake of mediocrity and I'm drowning in it because I've become too tired to swim out. I'm not as intelligent as people seem to think I am. I'm not some effervescent fountain of joy for people to drink from. I'm nothing but a stagnant pool of mediocrity. I'm a moody, depressing, lazy, messy, uninteresting, inarticulate pool of BLEH. Wake up and smell the coffee people. This is all there is. Stop expecting so much of me. It's getting tiring.

And another thing. Forgiving and Forgetting. Why? Why should I forgive a person who hurt me beyond belief and then be gracious enough to them to forget what they did without qualm. Fuck no. Why? So I can make it easier for them to hurt me again? Hardly fucking likely. I can forgive you, sure. No problem. Don't ever expect me to forget. EVER! I'm vulnerable enough as it is.

I think I am one of those people who expect happiness to come in the form of Utopia. I have found myself in this neverending search for this complete state of being where nothing can affect me because I am in this big impenetrable bubble of joy and peace and serenity. I have been lying to myself. And the worst part about it is that I have lied so often and so convincingly that I believe it. Without a shadow of a doubt, I believe it. How idiotic and naive of me. I do know, however, that you should never place your source of joy in any human being. No matter how much you love them. People- Humans, rather, always disappoint. Unwittingly or not. Humanity itself is a source of great disappointment. That is the one thing we can always depend on ourselves to do. I haven't lost my faith in humans yet though. I'm still waiting for someone to prove me wrong. Though I doubt that will ever happen.

I found this quote while reading:

Maybe happiness didn't have to be about the big sweeping circumstances. About having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small gestures.- An Excerpt for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

It makes total sense. Small gestures. So often overlooked can be your source for infinite joy. While living in the moment is often over-rated. Living in those little moments and reliving them could possibly be the antidote for overcoming disastrous. It's definitely worth mulling over.

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