Wearing thin

6/29/2005 11:00:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

There are some things going on in my life I can't make sense of anymore. Some things I'm not proud of, some things I regret, some things I wish I could change. Admittedly, my flair for the melodramatic makes these things a bit more prominent than they should or could be but that's life.

I am honestly tired of using the phrase "That's just me." I've realized I've used it as a defense mechanism when someone points out my faults (or rather reinforces the fear of them). I'm resistant to change. I don't fear it but I fight tooth and nail to keep things stable. Most change has brought nothing but pain. I've had too much of that. Someone told me today that I have sad eyes. They said I have an old soul and have been through more than I should at my age. That there was a wealth of emotion hidden somewhere in them. Apparently it wasn't hidden well enough.

How much of a threshold for sorrow do I have? I feel like I've been pushed to the edge and back and my resilience is wearing thin. Unnervingly so. Alarmingly so. Uncomfortably so. I am more vulnerable now than I have ever been and I hate that.

On a positive note. I've been writing again. Poetry, mostly. Not often...But it feels so good to let some of it out. I have found my passion for prose again as well. It's been a long time since I have smiled a genuine smile to myself. I hope that I am finally on the road to recovery and I can find some solace again.

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Just like P.Diddy would do

6/28/2005 09:50:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

It's about time for that shameless plug. I am going to showcase one of my poems here if you like it you can check out the rest at my other blog ~Stranger to the Sunrise~

Slice of Heaven

There you go with that slice of heaven in an open palm again
Plucked from the clouds with nothing but your sweet words
The raindrops you gather in your hands dear
Fall from my eyes, onto my cheeks and flow to my lips
The one and the same from which you tasted my essence
That pair of clairvoyant flesh that lets me know
That lets me show
You
My hopes, my dreams my aspirations
So much more that it seems
A dream, a dream, a vision, a word
One word One word, One touch One Love.

You approach
With my slice of heaven in your arms again
Fragrant and calming like the sea at sunrise
Those waves encircle and sedate me
Allowing me too stay in the break of dawn forever
To pluck the fruit of eden and know what lies ahead
To know what lies ahead
To see what lies ahead
To revel in what lies ahead

You whisper
A breath of that slice of heaven from your mouth again
Believing in my tears again and shedding all my tears again
You took that burden from my shoulders
You made it yours to carry to the end
Alongside me
Always with me
Even in my dreams
Even in my little slice of heaven

K.N.G.
Leave me a comment and tell me what you think. :-)

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Where do we go from here?

6/27/2005 11:18:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

It's happening again. That horrible state of indecision and lack of direction. I officially once again have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life. Talk about being up a bloody creek without a paddle. Right now I am pursuing a baccalaureate in Business Administration and was also pursuing an associates degree in Culinary Management concurrently. The latter has gone up in smoke as I have bee disowned by the person who was paying for that. How Convenient. The BBA is still going strong though but I have no idea why I am still doing it. It's interesting and all but I was initially doing this as a substitute for what I thought and still think I want to do which is Hospitality Management.

Firstly, I had my eye on a foreign education complete with internship and study abroad facilities. I have gotten none of these. I am still stuck in Trinidad settling for Roytec. Which is a good school, I guess, but it's not where I want to be. I had put so much faith on going away, making my own way, living life on my terms, getting my education and traveling. But, no. still stuck in the mediocre.

I have a few other options in mind as possible majors. Psychology and Marketing. Not sure about either and am still doing research in the fields but without resources it sill seems hopeless. *sigh* I feel like I am rambling so I will stop now until I make sense to myself and possibly to you.

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Dull Ache

6/26/2005 11:26:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I've had this throbbing headache on the right side of my brain for days now. Incessantly. A painful, pulsating, constant ringing in my ears as well. I've been unable to function and focus because of this. There are so many things plauging my mind now adding to the dull ache. Intensifying it almost. The most prevalent of which is the question: Where do I go from here?

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BOTB

6/23/2005 11:33:00 PM Edit This 5 Comments »

Battle of the Bits (sorry for the disappointment, BE people) *snicker snicker*

So I had my first bellydancing class on Wednesday night. Yes, you heard me right... Belly dancing. Why? Because it's a new hobby and I need to drag my lazy ass away from my torrid love affair with my computer... That's why.

Anyway, so like I was saying, I had my first belly dancing class the other night. And boy are my hips tired. With all the "undulating" and "gyrating" I had to do it was totally understandable. Two f my best friends Tia and Tish were there too... It's sort of a subconscious let's-do-an-activity together thing to keep us close before everyone goes their separate ways once the summer is over thing.

Now Tia... Tia is an advanced bellydancer... who'dathunk. She taught herself with the aid of a belly dancing DVD and pure .. I don't know what to call it... errr... Passion for the dance (yeah, that sounds about right). Tia's also slim, tall, elegant and has an ass that looks like two cantaloupes are stuck to her tail bone. I mean DAMN! But it looks good on her.. Make no mistake. She has a Beyonce type thing going for her as much as she hates to admit it. This girl was moving and shaking like her hips were isolated from the rest of her body, I think she was showing off a bit though because the class was a beginner's class and she is in the advanced class on Tuesdays.

As for Tish, she was on her second bellydancing class. She was on her old college's dance team and was stretching like she was in yoga class during the warm up. I mean full splits and amateur contortionism. I had no idea she could do all that. She was also pretty good, very professional and picked up on the choreography extremely quickly.

The rest off the class was made up of slender women ranging from 18-40 ( I assume) and everyone looks like they are in really good shape.

Then, there's me. A Self conscious Amazon with an overlapping six pack and back fat (I loathe my back fat) in a sleeveless shirt and her mother's yoga pants that look like capris on me (due to my height) because I haven't worked out in so long and have no "gym wear". I was confident enough in the beginning.. Thinking how bad could this be. Of course, I was expecting the stereotypical belly rolling and snake arms.. Nothing spectacular. Thinking I could do a lil trini wine and get away with it, I wasn't too bothered. Boy was I wrong. There was shaking, shimmying, jiggling, jangling (those coin wraps that they wore) and man did my jelly shake. It was like watching some one poke perfectly made jello. It just wouldn't stop. Not to mention the wall was covered in mirrors so I got to see my jello jiggle from ten different angles! Oh joy!

To cut a long story short, I left aching, sweating, swearing and thoroughly embarrassed. Oddly enough, I look forward to this torture next week. Not to mention Hip Hop on Monday.

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6/23/2005 11:32:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »


To Wine*, Winin' A sexually suggestive dance using winding hip movements that can make the hula look tame, usually done to soca music Taken From http://www.tntisland.com/triniwine.html Posted by Hello

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6/23/2005 07:15:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

To my best friends in the world: Tish, Tia, Cafisha and Zakiyya. I love you guys and thanks for bein' real. Posted by Hello

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Of bonds and friendships.

6/23/2005 05:44:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I was initially going to write a long, drawn-out, sappy, touchy-feely entry. But I decided against it. All I will say is I know some of the most wonderful people in the world and I am blessed to have 3 of them as best friends. Friends who have been there to support me through thick and thin, through heartbreak and denials. Friends who have made themselves available when I needed them the most and even more so when I didn't (kidding). Though distance, life and relationships (romantic or otherwise) have taken their toll I am glad to see them sustain through it all.


The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart- Elisabeth Foley

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6/23/2005 12:21:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I couldn''t help it. This is just hilarious to me. In a non-sexist way of course :D Posted by Hello

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The joys of being random

6/21/2005 11:03:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Have you ever noticed that Chinese food always tastes better the day after you buy it? Is the staleness? I could never figure that out.

What do you think? Leave me a comment.

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Spotlight on a Salaryman.

6/21/2005 10:53:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Substandard short stories and pointless life updates from a Salaryman!

All I have to say is... this is some good shit!

Check it out.

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Tobago Love

6/20/2005 01:23:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

God I miss Tobago. I've only been to the sister island (Trinidad and TOBAGO) once in my lifetime but I had some of my best memories there. How I yearn to go back. I'm supposed to go in August and I have a ticket in my wallet right now, so I can go anytime I want.

I had gone when I was around 16. I'm not too sure but I think it was then. We, my cousin C and my aunt had gone for 10 days. We stayed in this isolated guest house in Speyside for $50TT a night. The view from there was breathtaking. It was easily quiet and easily one of the most peaceful places I had ever been to. At Night It was even more beautiful.

What amazed me the most though was the fact that you could walk around at any time of night without the slightest amount of fear. It was like a small utopia. It just felt perfect. Like everything was the way it should be.

That night, my cousin and I had walked down to the jetty (dock) that was at the most prominent beach where we were staying. C had a huge crush on this Trinidadian boy named Keston who we had met while swimming with Manta Ray's at a private beach in the same area. We had only found that place because we had befriended some of the locals. He told her that he would be there that night so I was dragged along as a reason for their teenaged rendezvous. (Nevermind I was a teenager myself). When we got there, there was apparently a bit of a "spin the bottle" gathering that had accumulated. Who knew that was the hot spot for adolescent romance. I wasn't into that though (even though I was kind of into Keston myself) but I was the chubby chick and didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of being rejected. So I walked along the jetty alone, while C struck up a conversation with her Island Romeo. The stars seemed to be ten times bigger than they were back in Trinidad and I remember thinking that Trinidad got the short end of the stick when it comes to this kind of beauty. The beach had a darkly ethereal aura to it that was so compelling I wanted to dive in clothes and all. I stayed there alone for almost an hour. For the first time I felt like I was part of perfection.


A beach in Speyside Posted by Hello

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6/20/2005 01:23:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

The view from Goat Island Posted by Hello

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6/20/2005 01:22:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Speyside, Tobago Posted by Hello

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In a rut

6/19/2005 10:44:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

At 20... Can you believe it? I've been stuck in this bloody pothole of angst and depression for a few months now and I can't seem to get out of it. I have tried everything I can think of but I have no desire to do anything.

I've been trying to write about it for almost a week now so I can analyze what's happening to me but every time I do this piece of shit computer keeps shutting down on me. *sigh* Nothing is going right. I won't lie though things are getting better but I'm very skeptical about it I keep thinking that it's all going to crash down on my head once again. Probably a self fulfilling prophesy put it's so hard to keep and level head and be optimistic when you feel like sh--- err crap.

I feel like I must be the most flawed person on the planet. I am constantly hearing the areas in which I am not up to par and probably will never be. Certain people have told me that they feel like failures because they weren't able to influence me to change. It hurts so bad that they said that and it hurts even more that it's true. I feel awful that I can't seem to be any better. I can't seem to "grow up". I can't seem to reach that "potential" that they see in me. What fucking potential? This is probably as good as it gets. And I hate that. I feel like I am stuck in this lake of mediocrity and I'm drowning in it because I've become too tired to swim out. I'm not as intelligent as people seem to think I am. I'm not some effervescent fountain of joy for people to drink from. I'm nothing but a stagnant pool of mediocrity. I'm a moody, depressing, lazy, messy, uninteresting, inarticulate pool of BLEH. Wake up and smell the coffee people. This is all there is. Stop expecting so much of me. It's getting tiring.

And another thing. Forgiving and Forgetting. Why? Why should I forgive a person who hurt me beyond belief and then be gracious enough to them to forget what they did without qualm. Fuck no. Why? So I can make it easier for them to hurt me again? Hardly fucking likely. I can forgive you, sure. No problem. Don't ever expect me to forget. EVER! I'm vulnerable enough as it is.

I think I am one of those people who expect happiness to come in the form of Utopia. I have found myself in this neverending search for this complete state of being where nothing can affect me because I am in this big impenetrable bubble of joy and peace and serenity. I have been lying to myself. And the worst part about it is that I have lied so often and so convincingly that I believe it. Without a shadow of a doubt, I believe it. How idiotic and naive of me. I do know, however, that you should never place your source of joy in any human being. No matter how much you love them. People- Humans, rather, always disappoint. Unwittingly or not. Humanity itself is a source of great disappointment. That is the one thing we can always depend on ourselves to do. I haven't lost my faith in humans yet though. I'm still waiting for someone to prove me wrong. Though I doubt that will ever happen.

I found this quote while reading:

Maybe happiness didn't have to be about the big sweeping circumstances. About having everything in your life in place. Maybe it was about stringing together a bunch of small gestures.- An Excerpt for the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

It makes total sense. Small gestures. So often overlooked can be your source for infinite joy. While living in the moment is often over-rated. Living in those little moments and reliving them could possibly be the antidote for overcoming disastrous. It's definitely worth mulling over.

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Unable to articulate myself so...

6/18/2005 09:28:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

So I will let them do it for me.


a perfect circle - weak and powerless

- Get More Music Videos @ MusicFeet.com



Here are the lyrics:

Weak and Powerless - A Perfect Circle

Tilling my own grave to keep me level
Jam another dragon down the hole
Digging to the rhythm and the echo of a solitary siren
one that pushes me along, and leaves me so
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
Over you

Someone feed the monkey
while I dig in search of China
White as dracula
As I approach the bottom
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
Over you

LITTLE angel go away
Come again some other day
The devil has my ear today
I'll never hear a word you say
He promised I would find a little
Solace and some peace of mind
Whatever, just as long as I don't feel so
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless

Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless
Over you

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Like the new look?

6/17/2005 09:40:00 AM Edit This 2 Comments »

I have once again changed the layout. The last one, as much as I loved it, had too little actual blogging space which was kind of annoying. Hopefully people won't have trouble navigating through. Let me know if you like it. I've put the Tagboard back up as well so you can check that out my clicking on "whisperings". Leave me a comment :D

Bye.

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Yet another blogthing

6/17/2005 09:35:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you.
With respect to money, you spend as little as possible.
You think good luck doesn't exist - reality is built on practicalities.
The hidden side of your personality tends to be satisfied to care for things with a minimal amount of effort.
You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked.
When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you will search and search until you find your perfect match.

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Oh my God! My brain has a vagina!

6/16/2005 08:12:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »





Your Brain is 73.33% Female, 26.67% Male



Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!


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Gloriously Idle

6/16/2005 02:03:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

"A creative mind is never bored"- Some dude
Apparently, I'm not that creative. So I've been sick for the last few days, couging, runny nose, watering eyes, fevers. The works. I'm better now. Except for the coughing and watery eyes. I look like crap. But then again...when don't I? *braces from scoldings from friends about low self esteem*

Trying to focus on doing something constructive as well but can't muster the energy to disappoint myself once again. My treadmill is once again collecting dust. I looked at it yesterday and thought:

Hey, that could really help me. But it will take too much effort to move. Hmmm. Bed.... nice, warm, comfy bed. Treadmill= Sweat, walking, running....EFFORT! Yeah... the bed wins, hands down.

Then I decided to do something intellectually stimulating and read an ebook that I have been meaning to finish. Then it started blurring before my eyes. So that plan also went out of the window. So finally, I went online and wasted my day away on forums and downloading music. Lars Ulric must be fuming now. Screw you Lars!!! God said to "share". You heathen!

I'm learning HTML now. If you can't tell by artistic template and credits that this wasn't my creativity.. you sure as hell know now. I knew a few things before but I've decided to learn everything I can about it, as well as CSS, so I can make my own crappy templates and blind people with bright colours and flashy graphics. Yeah! And people say I'm not ambitious. *scoffs*

I saw Kung Fu Hustle last Sunday, that movie was hilarious and so refreshingly original. I loved it almost as much as I loved it's prequel Shaolin Soccer. The next movie I am going to see is the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants (mandatory chick flick...shut up!) and Batman Begins (highly anticipated.)

I start Arabian and Hip Hop dance classes next week. So I get to wiggle my jelly away. That should be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

Anyway, sayonara for now.

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Sickly

6/14/2005 12:07:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Missing my midterm today because of a godawful flu.
Bleh.
I feel like I am go to die.

Must turn into pillpopper for a few days. None of that weak shit though.


VALIUMMMMMMM


: ( I wish!

Disclaimer: You can only take Valium if you are prescribed by a liscenced physician to do so. Otherwise.... suck salt!!


How I yearn for the sleep inducing bliss of the pharmaceutical heaven!

Forgive my delirium. *crawls back into bed* I'm coming Valhalla!!

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Study

6/13/2005 01:45:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

MUST......STUDY!!!

*bangs head on desk*

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The local (Trinidad and Tobago) rock scene.

6/11/2005 09:12:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Just posting some links. Check them out to get a feel for the local scene.

The Bandfield


Incert Coin

Orange Sky

Tripped and Falling


Island Noise


Tribal Nation

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Insert clever title here

6/11/2005 06:56:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

I went to a local rock concert last night. Circle of Rock 14. The bands featured were Tripped and Falling, Chaos Room, Law of the unattainable, Vox Deus and Surgeon Generals. All performances were excellent, some more suited for another audience but they were really good nonetheless.
It was awesome, I had the time of my life. And for once I actually joined the mosh pit, well, I instigated and stayed on the outskirts while I watched the mayhem unfold.

I would go into details about the performances but I don't deem myself worthy to criticize anyone when I can't play a lick myself. They were all great, some better than others in my opinion, but I had fun. Period.

I am grasping for something post-worthy to write right now. There's something there but I can't articulate it very well right now especially since I feel completely disoriented and paranoid right now. *sigh*

I think a friend of mine is avoiding me. I don't know what is giving me this impression though. The dropped phonecalls, the immediate disconnections from MSN messenger when I sign in, the clipped tones in their voice and overly polite but curt text messages I have been receiving lately. Hmmm, I am beginning to feel like a stalker. Not good. Will stop calling and will put ball in the court of friend. Let them make the decision to call, write or smoke signal. Oh well.

Anyways, I am functioning on very little sleep and very little energy and must once again clean the house for the millionth time this week while my obsessive compulsive mother sits in her room and scowls at me. C'est la vie.

Laters.

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The search for Profundity

6/10/2005 07:17:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Why do I insist on this search for the profound? Could it have something to do with my fear of a life of mediocrity? Is it my fear of settling? ( Both fears not realized until I just wrote them down two seconds ago). Why am I so mindful of the fact that I may never find what I am looking for?

I don't think I am looking for perfection. God only knows, I know that that's not possible. Even if it was I don't think I would want it.

But are profundity and perfection the same? I think what I am searching the infinite abyss (I watched Garden State this morning, forgive me) for is ...... *Five Minute Interval*.... I have no idea what I am looking for... But I don't think it's what I have now. It may be the age old grass-is-greener-on -the-other-side-itis but somehow I doubt that. Mostly because I'm not looking at another side. It could be that what I have is not or no longer what I am looking for.

Hmmm... Conundrum.

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56 Questions

6/09/2005 11:06:00 AM Edit This 2 Comments »

UNIQUE

1. Nervous Habits: Biting my lips incessantly

2. Are you double jointed: I wish. Would be fun to gross people out by taking my shoulder bone out of place... not to mention a great party trick.

3. Can you roll your tongue: I can tie a cherry stem... that's all

4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time: Just the left one... I have a "people's eyesbrow" complex

5. Can you blow spit bubbles: *plays in saliva* But of course.

6. Can you cross your eyes: You mean uncross them... right?

7. Tattoos?: I have one of those fake ones on my tongue from the Fruit Roll Up snack.... who the hell says I'm not a hard ass!

8. Piercings?: eyes? Yes I'd like to think so *bats eyelashes* Nah... two in my ears.

9. Do you make your bed daily?: You're supposed to make your bed after sleeping in it? *shock*

CLOTHES

10. Which shoe goes on first?: Leftt...and then the other left.

11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone?: Many times... I was told I have a good arm.

12. On the average, how much money do you carry: About $40. TT which is equivalent to about $6US... the exchange rate will kill you every time.

13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7: some cheap blank bands I won at an arcade. I'm going through a grunge phase.. leave me be.

14. Favorite piece of clothing: A pair of turn butt into booty jeans.

FOOD

15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it: Twirl... the slurping is what bothers people.

16. Have you ever eaten Spam?: Yes... I enjoy eating the various ground up parts of dead carcasses... MMM.... bring it on!!! Get 'er done!

18. How many cereals in your cabinet: 1 - Honey Bunches of Oats.

19. What is your favorite beverage?: Anything with sugar and red dye # 2.

20. What is your favorite fast food restaurant: Papa John's

21. Do you cook: When the mood hits... ironic me wanting to be a chef and all.

GROOMING

22. How often do you brush your teeth: What?!? And lose that lovely fuzzy feeling?

23. Hair drying method: Wind. Tres Chic, no?

24. Have you ever colored / highlighted your hair: Today will be the first time.

MANNERS

25. Do you swear: Fuck no.

26. Do you ever spit: What? and miss out on blowing spit bubbles? Insanity!

27. Animal: Lemmings and Sheep... my mom always said I'd be a good leader.

28. Food: Anything Italian.

29. Month: December and June

30. Day: Friday

31. Cartoon: Xiaolin Showdown, Teen Titans, Family Guy, The simpsons, Duckman.

32. Shoe Brand: I despise shoes. I go commando.

33. Subject in school: History... so I can seem clairvoyant when it repeats itself

34. Color: black... like my soul. And blue. Like the wounds on my soul.... or something like that.

35. Sport: Swimming, Football (soccer for you americans)

36. TV show: Gilmore Girls *blush*

37. Thing to do in the spring: Err there are only two season in Trinidad.

38. Thing to do in the summer: Rainy season: Get an Umbrella

39. Thing to do in the fall:Two seasons... I said that already

40. Thing to do in the winter: Dry Season: Burn to death in the awful sun.


IN AND AROUND

41. In the CD player: Incert Coin... Local rock Band

42. Person you talk most on the phone with: My Significant other... and myself.. I've been known to do that sometimes.

44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store window mirrors: What those fun house mirrors? I have no desire to look like a disfigured cow... with or without the mirror.

45. What color is your bedroom: Blue... shut up.

46. Do you use an alarm clock: Just so I can hit it.... hard!

47. Window seat or aisle: Window. Pretty birdies *takes Ritalin*

DUMB STUFF

48. What is your sleeping position: Sleep? What is that? Standing up I guess.

49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket: Yes. It's always hot in Trinidad.

50. Do you snore: I have breathing problems okay!

51. Do you sleepwalk: No.

52. Do you talk in your sleep: I dunno.. I'm sleeping.

53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Yes.. my two teddy frogs Forrest and Fiona. Shut up! I AM A HARD ASS!!

54. How about with the light on: God no! *hissssss*

55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on: Yes and then I wake up 5 minutes later pissed about the noise.

56. Any chronic skin conditions?: Just some minor leprosy... and that rash........


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Nonchalant

6/09/2005 10:00:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Maybe he's right, my significant other that is, about my apathy. To me, it's better than erractic behavior and manic depression. It's better than my bouts of suspected bi-polarity. Isn't it?

Lately, I've been feeling sort of empty. A shell of my former self. Like I had to re-educate myself about being myself. And I realized... Shit... That's just me growing up. It's just me becoming who I am supposed to be. I don't want a lot of the same things I wanted anymore. I am becoming nonchalant, numb and otherwise unresponsive. And I don't see anything wrong with it. I think, maybe, I need to be this way for a while. Get my head out of the cloud and welcome myself to the real world. I can't be what people expect me to be any longer, I have to be what I want to be.. Whether or not I have a clear view of what that is. I don't expect to be the source of anyone's happiness. I can't be. That happiness would be horrendously superficial. I don't mind making you happy and I love doing that... But being your happiness? I can't do that. That is above any human being's capabilities.

This may seem selfish to people reading this, but it is ultimately true. I am, for once, being realistic. I am flushing away idealism for just one second and saying. I CAN'T BE THAT. I can't be responsible for your happiness. I will ultimately fail. I am not equipped to carry that burden. I am not Altas, able to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders... Shit.. I can't deal with my own problems most times. Heck almost all the time. Don't base your happiness around my instability. It will crash before your eyes. And I don't want to be the one to blame. I can't handle that. I couldn't handle seeing you hurt because of me. It would break me.

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Being TWEENTY

6/08/2005 02:56:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »

*sigh* So, I'm twenty now. Should be important but it feels pretty insignificant. It almost feels like limbo. Like I'm somewhere in between Immaturity and facing a new phase in my life. Like someone said to me recently...I'm "Tweenty".

Things are changing drastically and it's affecting the people I care about the most. My mom is worried about me and we argue about the littlest things. The same goes for my boyfriend L. I'm worried about him the most though. The first year of our relationship was like a fairy tale... we got along famously, no arguments, not even disagreements over what we should go see at the movies. Nothing. Honestly, that bothered me... it seemed too perfect and coming from my background, where bickering rules, incredibly suspicious. Then, I just thought we were different. But recently, things have changed. He says I am being unresponsive and apathetic to him. That I seem annoyed when he calls now, so he's curbed the phonecalls. I didn't realize that... but you can't expect me to be happy-go-lucky all the time. Things are shitty. And my mood would reflect that.

I could write more and probably will...but I'm not sure if I should. *sigh*

I'm gone for now.

Oh yeah, on a happy note.....2000 plus hits :D ...not to shabby.

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Attention

6/06/2005 10:06:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

Hi everyone...

Due to recent events and idiot spammers I have restricted comments to members only. If you would like to be added as a member, please email me at kidnicky2801@gmail.com.

Thank you.

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Two more days of teendom left

6/04/2005 05:06:00 PM Edit This 10 Comments »

So, I'm 20 in two days. Hmmm... it doesn't seem like much this year. I think I've gotten over the concept of "becoming adult". Can't think of too much to say on the subject but I really don't feel any different. I don't feel like I've matured, I don't feel any different than I did turning 12, 16, 18, etc. Sometimes, I wonder if I have changed at all. Yes I've "grown up" in a few ways. I'm going to college now, I'm a bit more focused... but I'm still messy, act like 12 and look the exact same way. I have gone through those so called "transitional moments", those great epiphanies and I still I don't feel changed.

Am I supposed to be though? *sigh* Not sure, and I'm not all that concerned about it.

However, I am taking some steps to better myself. I have made a vow to become more active, both physically and socially. I'm planning on taking up dance classes, going to the gym *shudder* (or at least working out at home), and becoming involved in local charities.

So this is now my "Summer of Change". Well see how long it lasts though. Me, being a procrastinator and all.

Laters.

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6/02/2005 07:29:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


Procrastination Posted by Hello

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Procrastination

6/02/2005 07:19:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Solace on Procrastination

I am think I am the world's best procrastinator but I've realised that's not a good thing. So I've decided to stop.




I'll start tomorrow.

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Can an insomniac sleepwalk?

6/02/2005 01:44:00 AM Edit This 5 Comments »

The joys of Insomnia.

Ah, the benefits of being a nightwalker... without the obvious innuendo of course. Why am I up this late you ask? Because I can! (insert evil laughter here). In my sleepless travels, at my computer desk with my no longer portable HP notebook ( who I affectionately call "Harry Pothead" in an ode to Scary Movie 2 ), I have come across a few not-so-hidden gems.

Web comics; like Skirting Danger ( a very recent favorite), Drowtales, and Something Positive (all exposed to me by my favorite exhibitionist and friend J) have or will soon become part of my dismal routine. What else can you expect on an average of 3 hours sleep everyday? (rolls dry, itchy, reddened eyes). Also another of my personal favorites: Cigarro and Cerveja which I discovered through Boboworld... I love his short stories.

I have also tried reading a few eBooks. Right now, I am reading 3: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy ( I loved the unusual humor in the movie and am now determined to finish reading), Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (Don't ask questions... and yes I am going to go see the movie. I am allowed one chick flick for the year..... Or ten. *sheepish grin*) and one cheesy romance novel from my "younger days" (about a year ago) called A Loving Scoundrel (those of you who know Johanna Lindsey books, this was the long awaited book about Jeremy Malory of the Malory clan). Ebooks are so hard to read when you want to curl up on your sofa and read in peace. This is further hindered by (as I mentioned before) my not-so-portable laptop *sigh*.

I despise being a broke college student, especially the lack of keg parties and table dancing... I am so dull *ashamed*

Other miscellaneous but interesting sites I have come across:

So you wanna speak with an Irish accent (this is a favorite of mine, especially since I am a sucker for an accent)

Netbux a.k.a. How to make money searching for irrelevant items and attempt to fund your dirty little video game addiction.

I'll save some for later.

Enjoy.

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Desktop

6/01/2005 07:12:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »


Just because I have nothing better to do .. this is my desktop. Posted by Hello

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Forgiving and forgetting

6/01/2005 12:57:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Judgement Day

You can never please people. They will always want so much more than you are willing to give. Simple mistakes go down in the little black book of grudges they have and they store it away waiting to use it against you. Waiting to bring up every slip up, misunderstanding and error you have made and repented for.

In all of my nearly 20 years of living (not much by some standards) I have yet to meet someone without a dirty past. Yet, these are the one's who are the first to proverbially cast the first stone. It's all well and good when it doesn't dirty your own waters now, isn't it.

Of all the bullshit I have gone through, the same bullshit you don't know about. The same bullshit I have been through that proves you don't know me. Do NOT fucking judge me by what you see, read or heard about me. No one can tell you about me, but me. And I am not perfect by any means.

This is one of the main reasons I never take things at face value. Masquerades occur way too frequently. Never take that for granted.

But then again... this wouldn't make a difference to those certain people and they will judge anyway.... So... on that note... FUCK YOU AND HAVE A NICE DAY!.

Peace.

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