On being Bi polar

5/31/2005 09:39:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »

On being Bipolar

Yesterday I was in one of my mood swings and I started researching Bipolar disorder. I did a screening test and had everyone of the symptoms (give or take one or two.) I am a bit of a hypochondriac, so I decided to talk to my mother about it, for second opinion.

Me: Mum, I think I may be bipolar.

Mum: What's that?

Me: *shows her the research test and my results*

Mum: *reads* Oh.
She then looks at me and hugs me.

Me: *shocked* What was that for?

Mum: Welcome to womanhood!

I found that funny as hell. But, maybe that's just me.

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Getting involved

5/31/2005 08:00:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Getting involved.

I have decided the only way to help myself is to help others. Given the state of disarray in my country, Trinidad and Tobago, I have realized that all many of the citizens do is sit and bitch about the state of things. Action is never taken and even then we blame it on our "laid back nature". You'd swear Carnival was 365 days a year. (366 on a leap year). *forgive the shameless plugs*

So... I am going to run for Prime Minister!

Okay, well nothing so drastic. I'm planning on being more active in the community by lending myself to the less fortunate. So... I am off to research the charities and make an informed decision.

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I've changed the template

5/31/2005 07:03:00 AM Edit This 4 Comments »

Template Change

So I've changed the template once again. The last one was way too cutesy and apparently hard for some to navigate. Let me know if you like the change.

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Sex Change for Silverware

5/28/2005 08:49:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Sex Change for Silverware

So I'm surfing for credits on BlogClicker, and I come across this site. It's so strangely appealing that I will indeed send a plate. YOU GO SHELBY!

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Hilarious

5/28/2005 08:10:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I just thought this was hilarious

Your Amazing Yoda Sex Line


"Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"



The Amazing Yoda Sex Line Generator


Obviously, my sense of humour is questionable.

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Mark Ryden

5/28/2005 06:24:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Mark Ryden

This is one of my favorite artists. My boyfriend introduced me to his work and I found it to be so unusually beautiful that I had to write about it. This entry was long in coming by the way.
Disclaimer: I am by no means an art critic or in any way experienced in the field. My stuff usually consists of stick drawing and flora doodling.

Anyways, if you scroll down, below this entry you will see one of my favorite pieces from him: Little Boy Blue. I am not at all sure why I like it so much. It should be disturbing, the look in his eyes are so calculating and the Nazi symbols don't help much either. But the detail... Wow! His face looks like it could break any second with it's fragile porcelain look and the lightness of his clothing in contrast with the dark symbols (i.e. the Nazi symbols and gun) seem to neutralize the effect somewhat. It's just beautiful.

Ryden's work is littered with meat, religious icons, presidents, celebrities, insects and children (or people that look like children). Looking at them you know instantly if you like it or hate it. There's never any middle of the road response. That's what I love about it. Absolute certainty. He also has a bit of an obsession with Christina Ricci (much like myself) and it is evident throughout his work, as most of the people he paints look like her. He's even done a few of her himself.

A few others that I love are: The butcher Bunny, St.Barbie, and many others. You can check them out here.

Warning: Some may be disturbed by the artwork. So proceed with caution.

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5/28/2005 06:23:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


Little Boy Blue by Mark Ryden Posted by Hello

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Stabilizing

5/27/2005 04:45:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Stabilizing

Things seem to be getting back to normal now (sort of). I can't tell you how happy I am for that. All the drama and mood swings were really getting to me. I feel a lot calmer and am able to think straight. I feel like I'm getting back to where I before all this.

It's official. I haven't spoken to my father for more than almost 2 months now. It wouldn't be so weird if we weren't living in the same house. It's slightly funny though because now I know where I get my stubbornness from and I am prone to extreme muleheadedness. It's so hilarious to me that every time he comes home, it's the same routine. He plods up the stairs, looks to the right, sees me at my computer (which is in the living room), gives me "the look" (useless without pics) and continues into his fortress of solitude. Heh. I just smile and go back to whatever unimportant thing I was doing.

My mum keeps trying to make me go to him and make a peace offering. She even left some cookies that I baked today in his room as if they were from me. LOL. She's the sweetest thing. But this is one time I refuse to budge. I was being completely honest and he was lying like the weasel he is. And I must be the one to apologize? Fuck no!

I'll write the story someday. You know, when I can look back at it and laugh. But that day ain't today.

By the way, Domestic Violence SUCKS!

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1000 hits and counting

5/26/2005 11:38:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

1000 hits and counting.

Well according to my counter I have officially passed the 1000 hit mark. YESSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Much thanks to BlogExplosion, Blog Clicker and Blog Xchange. Thanks to the people *cough* person who blogmarked me. I appreciate it *sniffles*


Now you see how desperate I am for recognition. LOL.
Next Stop.... The world.. *maniacal laughter*

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Curious Trini Slang

5/26/2005 08:21:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Curious Trinidadian Slang.. Part Two

Lime: Verb To hang out, socialize. Tish decided to lime with her friend Khrissy today, at brunch.

The origins of this word are unknown to me, but I will research it and let you know.

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5/25/2005 10:45:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »


Just being totally random... But BOY do I love waffles!!  Posted by Hello

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Colourquiz Results

5/25/2005 02:11:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Colour Quiz results

I took a test at Colour Quiz. Here are the results

Your Existing Situation

    Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Your Stress Sources

    Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Your Restrained Characteristics

    Insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but need reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.

    Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.


Your Desired Objective

    Seeks affectionate, satisfying and harmonious relationships. Desires an intimate union, in which there is a love, self-sacrifice and mutual trust.

Your Actual Problem

Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.




Apparently I am more neutrotic than I thought.

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I am unhappy

5/25/2005 08:10:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I.....AM

Unhappy: No matter what I do I cannot stop those I love from being hurt by my actions... Or lack of them. Apparently I cannot win.

Fat: Supposedly starting a diet today, will probably waste away from the stress before the diet cn be blamed.

Irritable: This time it cannot be blamed on PMS. Which is a stupid reason anyway.

Confused: Not sure where my life is going and unsure where I do want it to go.

Unmotivated: Things are shitty. Nuff said.

Tired of relenting: And letting people dictate the way my life goes.

Antisocial: People = shit. Thanks Slipknot for so putting it so articulately.

Yearning: For so much more than I can have. This is probably contributing to the situations above.

Being very selfish: And I feel guilty about it.

So very loved by my significant other: And I love him back.

Need space: I cannot explain why. I just do.

Suck: Self explanatory.

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5/24/2005 10:05:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Into the trenches

The diet bug bit me again. Not as hard as usual this time but I will attempt to once again fail inevitably against the battle of the bulge. I'm thinking about asking my friend Tish to go with me to the gym.

I really think Trinidad needs a gym just for those with overlapping six packs like myself. I mean, who really wants to go to an aerobics class where your extra jello jiggles like nobody's business. That is one of my biggest problems. It's bad enough that you're fat to begin with, then you are subjected to the harshness of watching the hardbodies glisten with non existent sweat. Some call it inspiration, I call it the Inquisition revisited.

Anyway, so I'm biting the bullet this time. I will be starting tomorrow morning... ( I already spoiled my chances today with the exceptionally large breakfast I had). I signed up with eDiets, I plan to reintroduce myself to the treadmill that has been so sorely neglected in the back room of my house and I am thinking about starting yoga and dance classes.

Let's see how long I'll last this time.

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Disturbing Revelations

5/24/2005 09:47:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Disturbing Revelations

There have been quite a few lately.

1) I was told that I am happy ..... All the time. My reaction, of course, was incredibly shocked. I may be congenial but HAPPY? ALL the time??? Have you people not seen me in my dark, somber, slightly muderous moods? Since when does that translate to happy?

2) Also, stemming from the so- called happy persona I embody... I also translate as ditzy.... WHAAAT? I must admit that was a realization of one of my greatest fears. Ditzy? How? Why? This calls for some SERIOUS personality adjustments.

I am still very disturbed with just those two. So I'll save the rest for later.

Like, I wonder what would make them think that *twirls hair around fingers*

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Finding myself again

5/23/2005 08:08:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Finding myself again.

So... I've decided to pick up a few new hobbies. Well, they are actually things I've been meaning to do for a while now. I'm going to start learning how to play the guitar, I'm actually looking for a reasonably priced acoustic right now. Nothing higher than USD$200 (if you know where to find one online please let me know with a comment). If you are from Trinidad, let me know if you know any stores around here.

Next, I want to start a photo journal. I realized that I don't have many pictures documenting my life at all (my parents weren't the clicker happy type). Actually from the ages of around 6-14 I have no pictures at all. After that, maybe five or six. So I should be getting a digicam for my birthday and I get to start from there. Look out for it. Friends....Beware.

Also, it's about time I go take my driving test... I've been ducking from that for a year now. I no longer have access to a car but it will be nice to have.

Not really in a bloggin' mood right now. I'll check in again later. Hopefully. Laters.

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Musing

5/22/2005 02:36:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

The end draws near

This year I had to be reminded that my birthday is in a few weeks. I turn 20. Greeeaaaaaatttt. Another year of being middle of the road again. No longer a teen but not completely and adult (suddenly that annoying Britney Spears song pops up into my head. Egad!). I am usually excited at growing older but this time all I'm thinking about is the fact that in 10 years I'll be thirty. And probably in the same state of mind that I am in now. Highly unlikely I know. But I'm not even sure if I have changed much over the 19 years of life I have had so far.

I asked for digital camera for my birthday. It will aid my hobby of people watching... and stalking. I think I may take up photography though, it should be a fun outlet for my pent up creativity. I can't wait to look at pictures of various angles of my finger. *girlish squeal of excitement*. So prepare to see an influx of badly focused postcard-like shots of landscape and various "interesting individuals".

*sigh*. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I can't seem to get off the ground. The most pressing is going to college abroad where I can get the type of education I seek as well as the fact that I won't be home any more and fending for myself (in a sense). I've reached the stage where all I can think about is leaving and going out on my own. Learning me, my own way. No holds barred. It's very possible that I will return with my tail between my legs a prodigal daughter but I just want the experience. I have to grow up eventually right. So let me.

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The times.

5/21/2005 09:18:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

The times... They are a-changing.

I am at that inevitable crossroads in my life.

The one when you have to decide if your are going down the right path and continue deliriously on in ignorant bliss.

Or wipe the away the cumulus matter that collected before your eyes, recognize yourself for who you really are ( a horrendously flawed individual who has not yet found her purpose), accept that and start plodding down that new path.

Neither seems palatable at this point in time. Maybe I'll just enjoy limbo for a bit longer.

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What a week

5/20/2005 08:11:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Just checking in

Well, this week has been a bit of a rollercoaster. So many thoughts crammed into too little time. I'm not really in a writing mood right now because I am bored out of my mind and slightly more than upset... About nothing... As usual.

I missed my girls so much. It's been more than 5 months since my two best friends and myself had had our customary Joes lime (note: Trinidadian slang for "hang out"). Tish was away at college and Tia is working her butt off. But we finally got a chance to do it. It was almost like old times again. I missed that so much.

BTW.. Happy belated 13th baby. EHU. (see you got mentioned).

Then it all went downhill from there. But as I said...I'm not really in a writing mood. But I'll check in later tonight. Hopefully. Thanks for stopping by. Peace.

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Crammed

5/18/2005 11:48:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Cramming

100 things about me: The 20 I missed.

21) I am in the process of learning myself again
22) I often need the opinion of others to validate myself (not good)
23) Food is a comfort at times
24) I haven't been eating much lately
25) I am very messy
26) I am very unsettled at times
27) I am terrified of rejection
28) My mother's perfectionism bothers me
29) I think I am addicted to the internet "Hi, my name is Khristal and I am a junkie"
30) I think I may be a hypochondriac
31) But I hate going to the doctor
32) I am too analytical
33) I try too hard to gain the acceptance of others
34) I love classic movies, especially musicals
35) I am an avid Gilmore Girls fan
36) I find solace in writing and listening to Damien Rice on a rainy day.
37) I feel like I am slipping away from reality
38) I am a very good liar
39) I always feel like I will hurt people closest to me
40) I usually do.

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Curious Trini Slang

5/18/2005 06:53:00 AM Edit This 2 Comments »

Curious Trinidadian Slang

Cultural Fatigue: noun: More commonly know as n***aritis. A state of lethargy and sleepiness after consuming a meal. Can be experienced by any race but is identified primarily with Afro- Trinidadians.

It's very strange that for such a culturally diverse nation that we still have words such as these in our everyday vocabulary. Curious Indeed.

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The plot thickens

5/16/2005 09:32:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

The plot thickens

100 things about me : Session # 2

11) I thrive on procrastination
12) I am comfortable in chaos
13) I no longer have any idea what I want to do with my life
14) I don't eat rice on Sunday (I still have no idea why)
15) I am the most complicated person I know
16) I have become rather withdrawn of late
17) I don't want perfection
18) I am chubby
19) I am inherently lazy
20) I won't be changing that anytime soon.

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Living in a broken home

5/16/2005 07:00:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

Living in a broken home

They spoke just now, my parents that is, the first time in about 2 months. Since that "fateful Sunday" as my father (disowned) just called it, things in the house have been horribly strained. It's like he's been a guest that is no longer welcome and we are to kind to ask them to leave. He came back from a trip to the U.S. on Saturday, a trip that he didn't even know he went on until he didn't return home for 2 days. A trip for him. A vacation for me. A break from the hostile stares and awkward silences.

The conversation didn't last very long. And it was one of the few where voices weren't raised. Too much. There was this strange tension hanging in the air and my chest felt tight, fearing that it would escalate in to something more. He came back upstairs just now. I am getting the feeling once again. It feels inevitable. They are talking again... About the divorce that took 8 years to materialize. It is now in the very first stage of going through. I have a feeling he is going to make it difficult like everything else. I can't look in their direction in fear of being pulled in. So I'm staring at my computer screen with increased fascination.

This is how it starts... always. It would seem civil enough but then someone says something the other doesn't like. Voices raise, obscenities fly... Someone gets hurt. Usually me. Most times emotionally. Others physically. I am the product of a broken home. I am an unwilling victim of their arguments. I am the one who must remain silent.

They are talking about selling the house. I have said before that it holds nothing for me here. I have said that I want to leave. And I do. I still do. But I never thought it would actually happen. This house is so full of memories. Mostly bad ones. But some good. It was built in the thick of the controversy and I always assumed it would be mine. Now I feel like I will be losing a piece of me.

Is it that bad though? I'm not sure anymore. I guess it would be a new start. But where will we go. My mother and I. Where will we go? She is far from financially stable, is about to be evicted from her workplace because it was sold and they want to build a mall. Damn them. She still has to support me going to college. How will we do it? How will things work out? How will we survive? Will this be another bitter end?

I guess I will have to wait and see.

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100 things about me

5/16/2005 12:04:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

100 things about me (in ten sessions)

Session 1

1) I am technically an only child. I have a half- brother
2) I trust far too easily
3) I am constantly in the search for peace.. I found it once but it was gone again
4) I love God but am skeptical about religion
5) I have one true best friend
6) I have many occasional best friends
7) I believe that things happen for a reason
8) I can be self absorbed at times
9) People assume that I am a good person
10) I know these people are mostly wrong.

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gag

5/15/2005 09:39:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

That nauseous feeling

Is it bad that everytime I see or hear about my father I feel sick and get this weird sense of dread?
A person shouldn't have to live that way, right?

I wish things could be simple, for just one year of my life. There's this saying that I got from Van Wilder of all movies. It goes "Don't take life too seriously.. you'll never get out alive." That rings so true to me. A psychiatrist would have a field day with my head.

I am tired of holding things in. There are so many things I want to say to so many people that I feel like I'll pop like a balloon left out in the sun. I just want to say them and get it off my chest. But I am too much of a chickenshit to do it. I think too much and overanalyze everything, one day I will die from worrying about my own death. it's that bad. I tend to beat myself up over things before they even happen.

*sigh* I am so tired of everything.

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5/15/2005 09:04:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


Trinidadian sunset. Sometimes things can just be that simple. Posted by Hello

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The vacation is over

5/14/2005 03:48:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

The vacation is over


Three glorious weeks... My mini break from the drama with my dad... has now come to a screeching halt. He just came back home. May the evil stares begin once again.

I know this is all going to seem very odd to people who don't know me but there are a lot of things happening in my house these days. And with the current absence of an archive.... *sigh*.

I need to get out of the house right now. RIGHT NOW. I have the sense of horrible impending doom. Like something worse is going to happen and this time I can't stop it.

Is it normal to feel scared in your own house? Is it normal to have to walk on eggshells around your own father.... Disowned or otherwise. *insert necessary expletives here*

This sick feeling in my stomach isn't working either.

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5/14/2005 07:13:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

One of those bittersweet days

I am sitting here, at my desk, listening to the constant hum of my laptop and the rain pouring outside. It is one of those rare perfect moments that you wish you could capture with just the right words and then you realize that the words you are looking for haven't been invented yet.

It's one of those days that are dripping in great joy but saturated in melancholy. One of those days when everything conflicts beautifully but combines to make some unusually gorgeous hybrid that you must take a moment to stare at in awe. It's one of those days when everything thing goes into slow motion and you feel so depressed but you don't want to get out of it because it's oddly comforting. It's one of those days when you can just sit and watch a good sad indie film or one of those slightly disturbing, though inducing, lesser known mainstream movies that you make you wonder why it didn't do better at the box office.

This is a poetry mood. But I don't feel like writing. I just want to get lost in a good book that mirrors these feelings and relive it over and over again. I don't want to leave. This is my rare perfect moment. It's one of those moments when you put everything around you in mute.

I've only had a few of these and I often can't remember them when they are gone. They make you wonder why can't life be like this all the time. This is the time when you write one of these profound epiphanies that make no sense when you read them two days later.

*sigh* and just like that your mother opens her mouth and breaks the quiet reverie that you were basking in. Then you struggle to find it again but you can't and it's lost again forever. Sounds come back and reality rears its ugly misshapen head to haunt you.

Oh well.

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Sigh

5/13/2005 07:55:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

All I can say is... today was one of those rollercoaster days. *sigh*

I'll write something more later.

*sigh*

It will all be okay L. Hang in there. I am here when you need me.

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Today... Is a "ME" day

5/12/2005 12:28:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

So....

I changed my template again, the other one was nice but it was getting too cluttered, and frankly I needed some order. Let me know if you guys like it though.

Today, is a "me" day. I am officially making every Thursday from now on (until I have classes on a Thursday again) A "me" day. I really don't know what I'm going to do today but it will be done... By myself. Rest and relaxation, here I come.
I really need this though, especially since I've been complaining about not knowing myself anymore, (like a broken record I might add). I need to get back into myself. But we'll see how it goes.

I said I would report on the meeting and class yesterday. Well. It went a lot better than expected. The meeting took about fifteen minutes, but the ride there and back was an hour. Basically, she told me stuff that I already figured out. She said I would have to make the choice on my own (no sh*t, Sherlock) and that she would help me as much as she could. Apparently, the two degrees will have overlap (yeah, didn't see that one coming *scoff*) and that all I really need from TTHTI is the practical classes. That's is. Nothing more nothing less.
Needless to say, I am thrilled! Less work for me and I can transfer my Roytec credits there AND have my Saturdays back??? HELL YEAH. I am more than overjoyed.

As for Accounting class, I blew that way out of proportion. I did the homework 15 minutes before class started (Isn't procrastination wonderful?) *disclaimer: DO NOT PROCRASTINATE...Just wait till later.* We have our first quiz next week and I expect an "A".

I think I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. And boy am I grateful, I never want to go back to that place again. Never! Getting back on track has never felt better. I am back in school, my father's not around, I have my cell phone back ( I was so lost without it) and I have L back. That's the best part I think.

I think I've blabbed enough for now... and it's time for me to get to my "ME" day. So.. laters.

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5/12/2005 10:01:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


Friends: This is for all the people I can sit and eat apples with. Posted by Hello

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5/11/2005 11:26:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

PET PEEVES


People who bring up issues or situations that have already been resolved and throw them in your face.

Long drawn out repetitive lectures about when I'm going to get my life on track.

People who assume they know what's going on in your mind and spiral into an indepth psycho analysis of your "problem"

People who constantly expose your faults and flaunt them as a method of helping you "fix" yourself.

Mosquitoes

Blood Pudding *geed*

My bloody PC that keeps restarting and making me lose my work *ARRGGGGHHH*

People who give one word answers.

Chupz... I vex. Laters.

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5/11/2005 06:21:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Today should be interesting

So.. I made the appointment to speak to Ms. John... The head of continuing education at TTHTI. I had contacted her concerning switching or repeating certain classes that I missed because of my depression. My *snicker* two month depression. Ha! Indeed.

For some reason I am incredibly nervous about today. I haven't been able to sleep properly at all... If I got more than 30 minutes of straight sleep I count myself lucky. Plus I didn't get a chance to do my accounting homework.. I'm kind of disappointed at that, I feel like I'm backsliding which is definitely not good. Apparently guilt affects me most when I sleep.... Grrreaaaat.... Just greeeeaaaaattt.

Anyway, at least the issue is getting resolved now. We will see how it goes. As for the rest of my day.. I am getting this sinking feeling that my father will return today and the carefree vacation will be over. Back to the callous stares and the "unwanted guest in the house" feeling. *sigh* I am DEFINITELY not looking forward to that.

Yesterday, I heard that we are going to have a semi-high school reunion in the usual waterhole for "our people" on May 28th. Apparently, due to Hydar's funeral, which from m friend's account seemed to e a mini reunion in itself has prompted this... what is it though... do they want to make sure they see others before the die now. Indeed. *sarcastic remark here*
But I'm going. It should be very interesting to see these people and make minimal contact with them while we stare across a large table and break up into the sub-groups that we are used to. It should be VERY interesting. * note to self* Take mp3 player for any uncomfortable silences and probing questions. *end note*

Well I guess I will report later on today. Wish me luck. *sigh*

Peace.

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5/10/2005 11:38:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Idleness should be a sin





You Are Boy Shorts!


You're stylish, trendy, but not over the top.
You know how to look good - without looking like you're trying too hard.
Men think that you're cute, friendly, and approachable.
And you've got a spunky, fiesty side that comes out after a while!




What Kind of Panties Are You? Take This Quiz :-)




Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.



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5/10/2005 07:56:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Solace on empathy


Sympathy pains are evil.

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5/10/2005 07:47:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Solace on Optimism.....

It's exceedingly difficult when you can't see what's around you and you're stuck inside yourself. Just thought you should know.

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5/10/2005 06:38:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

Hmmmm.... Indeed


You scored as Blue. Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sinners, affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs and always makes them feel wanted.

Blue

87%

Black

53%

Pink

53%

Red

40%

Yellow

33%

What Your Color Says About You
created with QuizFarm.com

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5/10/2005 05:38:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

It's hard to stay true to yourself when you don't know who you are.

Seriously, Is it POSSIBLE to have an identity crisis at 19? Isn't this the point in time where you are finally figuring out who you are on the verge to "womanhood". Jeez, nothing ever goes normally for me. Why is that?

It gets tiring sometimes.... the constant paradigm shifts. Circumstance is a helluva thing though. And to avoid being repetitive I will not say anymore on this subject.

As for school, ROYTEC is going well. I still want to go to FIU so bad but funds of that size are so elusive.... when you're poor anyway. Ha! That's funny though. I never thought of myself as poor until the beginning of this year. Coincidentally at the start of my college education. Boy, was that a slap in the face. TTHTI, however, that's a whole other story. I like the school well enough but due to recent developments, I have been missing so much class I may end up having to re-do this semester. Or switch to another major. I don't think my heart has the passion of the culinary arts anymore. I still like to do it but *sigh* I don't know.
Lack of eloquence is a bitch isn't it?

I'll write more later today, but the terror (my adoringly nagging mum) just woke up and is about to start bellowing her orders for the day.

Joy, peace and hairgrease.

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5/10/2005 05:22:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

You scored as Cultural Creative. Cultural Creatives are probably the newest group to enter this realm. You are a modern thinker who tends to shy away from organized religion but still feels as if there is something greater than ourselves. You are very spiritual, even if you are not religious. Life has a meaning outside of the rational.

Fundamentalist

69%

Romanticist

69%

Cultural Creative

69%

Postmodernist

56%

Idealist

50%

Existentialist

38%

Materialist

31%

Modernist

25%

What is Your World View?
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An interesting test.. you should try it.

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5/09/2005 09:52:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

EGAD!!!

And here I was thinking I was Goth....disturbing.

You scored as Prep/Jock/Cheerleader.

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

31%

Drama nerd

31%

Goth

25%

Stoner

25%

Punk/Rebel

19%

Loner

19%

Ghetto gangsta

19%

Geek

6%

What's Your High School Stereotype?
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5/09/2005 09:27:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

All I have to say is BLEH!

You scored as A Too Sweet Faerie. So sweet your totally sugared up! Has there ever been anyone so nice. Quick to forgive and quick to forget, everybody wants to know you! You've just got to make sure nobody takes advantage and tries to use you, don't be afraid to say no sometimes!


See All Results/Comment



A Too Lazy Faerie

75%

A Too Sweet Faerie

75%

A Too Kinky Faerie

65%

A Too Depressed Faerie

55%

A Too Sporty Faerie

55%

A Too Serious Faerie

40%

A Too Evil Faerie

35%

A Too Silly Faerie

35%

A Too Astral Faerie

30%

Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You?
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5/09/2005 07:56:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

It's funny how you can prove yourself wrong when you face certain situations. You have all these ideals and morals and you think you stand behind them so firmly that you think nothing can shake them. But then, one day, after one moment, after some hesitation... you break every rule you have in that one instant. And you wonder, hmm, what else do I stand for and how quickly will that stance be broken?

When that moral, stance, ideal, paradigm or principle is gone what do you have to stand on. This quote, "If what I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?" has gone to a completely different level now than I have EVER imagined. I look into the mirror and think..... My God! I have turned into someone I don't know. I don't even recognize my face anymore. I look and think this is NOT me. But strangely, I'm not as affected by it as I thought I would be. But I am still not sure if the change is good or bad.

Some self-analysis is gravely needed.

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5/07/2005 08:54:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


Pumpkin: Firstly I love Chistina Ricci, She is one of my all time favourite actresses since she played Wednesday in the Addams family. I love her subtility and quiet presence. This movie was so much more than amazing. It evokes so many feelings at once that you get so lost in it's magic that you lose all sense of time. It's tragic but magical.  Posted by Hello

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5/07/2005 08:48:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I'm tired of writing about depressing things in my lif and I'm sure you guys are fed up hearing it so from now on I promise to have a more optimistic blog for you guys as well as myself.... of course there will still be alot of depressing posts but that's how I cope okay.... so ... Deal with it :D.

Okay so a little bit of insight into my life, past all the hardships and trials. I'm going to let you see the surface instead of the deep bowels of my despair (dear God I am so melodramatic) .... Lol Wow. Moving on.

See... in the previous entries... I post pictures!! PICTURES! Me! See the times are a-changing :D.

One thing I forgot in the White Oleander post was why I put it. Well, It's one of my favourite movies of all time... something alot of people don't know about me. This movie is one of the few that make you take a good look at your own life and wonder if it's really that bad. It makes you feel a sense of relief when it ends, but not because it's a bad movie but because it sucks you in and makes you feel like you are a part of it. It's also a very inspiring movie.. Many a poem has been writen after watching it.

You know what? To make things short... I'm just going to put what I like

1. The Lord of the Rings: This movie holds alot of senitmental value as well as it's majesty as a movie makes me love it. It is one of those films that rebuild your love for cinema. Though incredibly mainstream, to me it seems to be one of those great movies that will go side by side with classics like Lawrence of Arabia.

2. Thirteen: Horribly disturbing but amazingly beautiful. *sigh* This movie made me cry like a baby.

3. The Nightmare before Christmas: Heralded as a gothic classic and icon, it's nothing like that to me. It is just a feel good movie. Amazing animation and we all know Tim Burton is a genius. I love the storyline as well, so simple but to me it has so many meanings.

4. Meet me in St. Louis: I LOVE Judy Garland. So tragic that she died so young and so heartbroken. It's a gulity pleasure but great movie.

5. 5o First Dates. I love both actors; Drew and Adam (this man is so stupidly hilarious I don't know what to do with myself). They make a great team. This is another feel good movie. A huge chick flick but feel good none the less.

6. Angela's Ashes: Originally from a book of the same name which is one of my favourite books of all time (I read it because of the movie) which is about the "depressing Irish Catholic childhood" of Frank McCourt (Pulitzer prize winning author because of this book by the way) It's amazing how he laughs at this horrible childhood and personifies the statement " One day, we'll look back at this and laugh". I so admire his ability to do so. His writing style is so clever and amazing I could not put it down. But I'm talking about the movie. It was tragic but hilarious and makes you take a second look at your life. Amazing. I could watch it in rapid succession for years and never get bored.


I think this is enough for now. Not to mention the fact that my fingers are getting tired. Heh. anyways. I will most likely post a few times for the day.. I am in one of those rare moods.

Peace!

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5/07/2005 08:36:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »


White Oleander Posted by Hello

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5/04/2005 02:21:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

*sigh* Life is alot more precious than I realised. I think i have reached that point in life where everything bad that can happen.. will happen. A guy from my secondary school died this morning in an accident. I never got the chance to know him even though I had the biggest crush on him in Form 1. I wasted time. And didn't realise what could be possible.

I have the worst headache right now. I am tired and mentally exhausted. I feel ill. So many things going on in my head right now. Is it worth taking that chance? Can I? Do I have the testicular fortitide? lol. *sigh* I'll have to wait and see. I'm not sure of anything right now.

I need peace. I need a place I can go and just not think about anything. I want to move out of my house. But I will never leave my mother behind. I can't. But I need to live my own life. I need time to think with a clear mind. No psychological noise. Just quiet.... Solace... Solititude.

I miss everything about last year. It was a great year despite little upsets. I was free. I was me. I wasn't this... thing I don't recognise anymore. I look in the mirror and see nothing sometimes. Just a face.. Belonging to no one. A deceptive face that makes me THINK I am me. It lies to me. Soft coercion into believing falsities. *sigh*

I don't know. I really don't know what's going on. Who am I? I was so sure a few months ago. What the hell happened?

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5/03/2005 06:04:00 AM Edit This 0 Comments »

I am not what I used to be. The person I once knew to be me is gone. Listless, comatose, dead maybe. Well not completely... but the important parts are. Since the day my father disowned me, I have not been myself. I have had so many conflicting, destructive emotions because of the things he said to and about me. NONE of which were true. But I'm starting to become them now. I've acted like I didn't care but I have realized I just want my daddy back....the way he was when I was 6 years old and looked at him adoringly and saw love in his eyes... not a burning incomprehensible hatred.

I've been cutting class at TTHTI and I'm not completely sure why. I think one reason is the fact that this was the one thing he paid for and I want to get back at him by not going (who knew I was so vindictive). Another maybe that I no longer have the passion that I did for cooking... another side effect....(of hunger??? lol). But no this is no Snickers moment, even though I havn't been eating much lately.... which is probably good in the fact that I won't blow up to 3 times larger than my already voluptous figure. I'm going to change my major though... so it should be okay.

I need help though. My mind is in so many diferent places right now. And it's affecting the people I care about most, which is something I try my hardest to avoid. My boyfriend and I have not been seeing each other very often and we had the "do you want to have a break" talk two weeks after our first annversary which coincidently was two weeks after the Montezuma incident (look two entries down). We agreed not to; mostly because we love each other too much to let go. I love you L.

I can't think of too much more to say right now because I'm not really in the place I need to be in to write a proper entry. I feel sort of light right now though, I got alot of stuff off my chest when I told my mother I broke class...she was pissed but she understood and told me if i ever do it again without telling her she would break my two legs...... lol I love my mom :D

Anyways, bye for now.

Ps. Stranger to the Sunrise (my poetry blog) has been updated... new look... and one new (well actually old) poem. I will continue to update during the week ...so keep checking :D.

As of next semester... there will be a new beginning.

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