9/21/2004 05:40:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Well, I'm work right now.... pretending to work. Mind you, this is not usually the case. But today, I guess I just don't care and I actually managed to cop internet access so why not make the best of it right??? Anyway, that whole college thing I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm still not sure if it's going to follow through, or fall through. I think the latter is most likely. That is horribly depressing. I wish that I didn't always have to conform to the will of others. It seems to be the story of my life.

What's worse...I haven't written in ages. Well, not really, but the poems I've written are pretty stupid. They lack personality. It's just bland like the rest of my life. The only thing that's different is L, I don't know what I would do without him.

I think my friends think I'm deserting them, which is something I swore not to do, and i think they may be a little right, but it's not because of L or that we are growing apart. It's just that things have been so hectic, mentally, that I have no time to think. Physically, because i have so much work to do both at home and in the office as well as for myself. Trying to figure out what you are going to do for the rest of your life is quite time consuming....go figure!

I have come to that point in my life when I feel like everything is slipping away. My friends, my family, my future , my life, my SANITY!!! People who were my Best Friends a few years ago seem like strangers to my now. It almost seems pointless trying to revive any kind of relationship with them now that all we have in common is what happened in the past.

I saw a guy I knew from school awhile ago that I thought was so intriguing, I talked to him so much back then and he never failed to fascinate... now, all that.... fabricated, false, illusion. And i started wondering is he stuck in the past or putting up an image that he thinks we'd adjust better to by acting like the same person he was 3 years ago. I have never felt as old as I did at that point in time and i'm only 19. Go figure!

Falling through or following through, *Sigh* For once I'd like things to go my way.


Khrissy @)--------

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9/21/2004 04:42:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Journal Day 19 23/06/04

The Pain continuously digs into me. I feel like I'm falling apart and I have no reason why. There's always this hidden phobia in the back of my head resounding and reverberating on the walls of my mind telling me that I'll never survive this.. Someone is going to get hurt..i can't think I can hardly even breathe.. i live in constant fear that my "life" is in peril.. It scathes me to know that i can't change my nature but i try to hard to battle against the wind. Nights have become sleeples and days have become dreamless, my future is non existant. Disappointment stalks me, always at every turn, at every corner at every exit and entrance ..i begin and end my day in pain.. i go through my pain hurting. I can't hurt anymore... Numbness.. total numbness.. it's a dull throb on my senses.. my nerves are shot.. Faith draining... Aid always coming... but never arriving... Love.. my release, my shelter, my willing prison... Is it real? It is everytime I look into it's eyes.. But is it real? Maybe an ilusion an oasis... a drifting daydream hoping to be brought to life by dwelling in my head... Dying... Faceless... lifeless... One small, fragile heartbeat in my chest... Suddenly.. a light.
Sorry about the cryptic post but it was the only way to describe what I've been feeling the last few weeks. Thankx for coming By... Adieu.

Journal Day 18 08/06/04


Yes yes I know it has been a loong time since I've posted but I've been really busy.. Sorry... Not that anyone really reads this but sorry none the less. Well, my birthday passed on Sunday 6th June.. it was nice.. Thanx to my REAL friends how showed up to my impromptu dinner and wished me a happy birthday.. Thank you for everything Huny bunz.. you made it really special for me... I don't know what i would have done without you and Tish.. THANX TISHIE!!!.
Work is getting very ineresting.. it still sux and I plan on quittin by the end of this month... but things are becoming a little fun... (grudgingly accepts that she enjoys work) There are so many two faced people in the corporate world it's really funny... but.. i don't feel like bitching about it right now....
Stuff at home has not lightened up either... my parents aren't talking.. everything ends up in one huge ass commotin.. so i lock my self in my shell and drift away in to the safe sounds of Linkin park or Korn... Much fun.... I write.. that usually takes most of the stress away. I don't know what I would do if i hadn't started writing poetry. Anyway this is probably boring as hell to you so i'm going to go now.. Bye.

Journal Day 17 13/05/04


Apparently my new theory of preparing for the worst is to my benefit... Today was actually an okay ( sorry to those who wanted som kinda bacchanaal to read today but nothing out of the ordinary happened. I got to work late though... couldn't find anything to wear... and I just realised thins morning all the LOUD ASS clothes I have... dear god.. i sticking to black, brown. grey and blue oui... not me and that hot pink thing again Lawd aye.. you don't have to tell me twice :S I have been burned and i have learned quite quickly lol.
So things at home are quite interesting... i walking on eggshells woth everything I do... kinda happy I'm not home to have to deal with his crud all the time. So i retreat in to my cave... otherwise known as my room... the toxic waste dump lol. Listen to music, talk to friends and 'friends' then fall into a black dreamless state. And suddenly, a few hours later the sun pokes his nosy head into my "room" and it's off to work again (if it a weekend i get up, stretch, walk over to the window and close the curtains.... and it's back to that comforting void (hehe). Eh... the cycle sucks doesn't it.. well this at least strengthens my resolve to do something I love... cooking... or writing for the rest of my life I cannot spend 1/3 of my lifetime answering to anyone but myself and well God( but that's understood... Oops i just realised i forgot the new stuff... well..c'est la vie... tomorrow's another day.
My agenda this weekend... sleep, go watch some movies (Troy, Van Hellsing, Dawn of the Dead)trying to build back of social relations... just to see if it's worth it... if not... to hel with it I was born alone I'll die alone right. Funnily (is that even a word :S ) I don't really mind being alone anymore... well sort of alone.. i'm not really alone but it feels like a part of me now... *sigh* Ah well... nothing left to say...but Au Revoir, no? so.. yeah um cya later in french.

Journal Day 16 12/05/04


Feeling Fucked up and AshyI've realised when you expect the worst you can never be disappointed.... either you get what you expected or things turn out better than you thought they would, which is almost always a plus. I went into work today expecting bombs and all out warfare not to mention major wardrobe malfunctions... FYI I wore black so to kinda blend in with the background after my fuschia day was so disastrous. I am feeling rather ditzy right now... totally out of it. Can't explain... *sigh* anyway good news I wrote new poetry I'll post it in Faerieland tomorrow for those who are interested. *sigh* Life sux ass... Tomorrow is another day right... * walks away while putting army helmet on and arming self with emotional bulletproof vest* Chaaaarrrrgggeeee!


Journal Day 15 11/05/04

Today was probably one of the most embarrasing days in my life... but I don't want to remember it so I am not going to write about it.. who cares if my skirt (my bright pink skirt to boot) ripped, my shoe strap popped (in the middle of one of the most busy streets in the country) while hated co-workers looked on and they and half of Port of Spain laughed their bellies full, my lunch spilled... etc etc... *sigh* Who cares. Oh happy Day oh Happy day!! See Ya .. ( if I'm brave enough to show my face again lol) *sigh* I wonder if I'll look back at this and laugh... I'll probably be totally MORTIFIED! Fate is such a bitch sometimes lol. I gone fuh real now.

Journal Day 14 10/05/04


Work sucks ass... I am not going to say anyhting today about it... It just sucks a$$ but I refuse to quit....YOU HEAR ME I REFUSE TO QUIT!!!!!! *sigh* My phone is giving trouble...I swear one of these good days I will walk over to Tstt and Stick My Foot UP THEIR CORPORATE A$$ for the crappy service we get for an Arm and a Leg!!.. Hunnybunz :( Thank you for making my day okay. I don't know what I'd do without you and Tish *sigh* Bye.


Journal Day 13 09/05/04


So i got 2 hours of sleep last night cause i stayed up taking out braids and shampooing my hair.. now mind you the hairdresser said to come for 8am.... I get there at 8 exactly... she doesn't come until half past 9 .. so you know I am seeing red and tears flowing down my cheeks cause I want to sleep so bad... If i wasn't going to work Monday would have stayed my a$$ home. Anyway, so we get inside, I tell her I want it a little bit shorter (about 2 inches) off the pack length... she takes off about 6 *GRRRRRR* but that's okay I don't mind.. at least she won't take forever to do it like the other lady did. Just so you know with business people you can get two out of 3 in the Service Triangle whose corners are (Expensive, Quick, Well done) With the first lady I got Well done and Cheap... but it took Forever... with this lady I got Quick and Expensive.. but she did so much $hit... i was too tired to tell her anything.. I got my A$$ up and went home and cried myself to sleep until about 6 that evening. NOT MY FUCKING DAY!!


Journal Day 12 08/05/04


Hear nah I sick no ass... Sore throat, fever, coughing, headaches the whole nine yards plus i have to loose out my braids for tomorrow because me hair looking like ras. So you trying to tell me... you see my lying on the bed half dead pillow over my head, tears in my eyes cause I'm in that much pain... but you will cuss m out because I'm too sick to teach my little brother to play a fucking Yu-Gi-Oh game??And you wonder why i despise you... Daddy... yuh "special" (Sarcasm is a wonderful thing)


Journal Day 11 07/05/04


That flippin' icebox of a workplace the have there is the WORST... they got me sick!! I'm suing their filthy asses.... they don't need to know i walked in the rain saturday night... but they contributed... Yeah I'm going to sue them for everything they Have!!! *Evil Laughter* Hmmm... Prozac wearing off.... Hello Birdie....:? Bye

Journal Day Ten 06/05/04


Before I begin I humbly apologize for the chronic Morbidity of this post for those who expect me to be "perky" *shudder* and happy-go-lucky at all time. I am merely human, and the last time I checked shit happens and sometimes it happens to me. N.B. The fucked up views expressed in the post below are most definitely the opinions of the owner of this Blog. If it upsets you, please look to the upper right of your screen where you shall find an 'X' do yourself a favour and click it. If not Shut the FUCK UP! Now... I procceed
Day Six of work... Slowly it is becoming the shitload of Hell that i expected when taking the job. It's too much work for too little money. Since when does the word "trainee" translate to Slave, Serf, And otherwise ASSKISSER? Hmm I thought slavery ws abolished in 1834 in Trinidad.
All fathers are motherfuckers ( think about it it's true) But I believe mine takes the cake... as does everyone who has a dysfuctional family. But this is my blog.... so... fuck you! Stink ass mo'fo'cocksucking piece of crap . I hate you.
I'm so mad right now I can't think straight. So I'm gone. Goodbye.

Journal Day Nine 05/05/04


Day Six of work. Today was a good day. I ate junK food for lunch, I finally get to use a computer THANK YOU GOD!!!! i was dying slowing without being able to type. Bad News i didn't see hunnybunz today.. I think I'm spoiling him with seeing him too much.I shall start rationing myself *evil laughter* Suffer * muahahahahaha* *clears throat* Ignore last sentence momentof insanity. You shall be seing alot of those, malheuresement. Anyway, Yeah it was cool. Can't think of anything to say so. I'm out.... Oh yeah, 32 Days til my bithday *does happy dance* *blush* Bye.


Journal Day eight 04/05/04


Day five of work. Today... the work was piled up sky high! I had no rest, but at least the day passed quickly. I'm finally getting used to that place. It's kinda fun if you think about it. Oh, yeah I'm now in two departments of work. Queries and Marketing (YES!!!!) but unfortunately that means I now have two bosses. Dear God, Conflict in delegation. *sigh* here we go again. My current supervisor... I hate to say this cause she's nice. Has Chronic Gingivitis.. I mean WHOA!!!!! and she loves speaking directly into my face. I'm afraid I may faint one of these good days. Oh well tomorrow is another day .. maybe she'll brush tomorrow lol ( I am so mean). On a happy note I saw hunnybunz after work today. Even though he was late lol (it's okay Mr. Celeb i understand you must be fashionably tardy) I bought him a Kurt Cobain poster. He says he loves it :) lol I like being a Suga Mama *grin*


Journal Day seven 03/05/04


Day Four of work. It gets easier and easier everyday. It was an okay day.. I gave L a poem I wrote for him today...I'm not sure how he feels about it yet...he just looks kinda nondescript. He said he'd call me tonite... oh well. We'll see won't we. HEY TISHIE!!! :) Bye.


Journal Day six 02/05/04

It was a very quiet Sunday. My mom left early because of the huge fight her and my father had last night. He destoyed her brand new cell phone and tried to hit her with a broom.. You F***ing coward! I hate you so much right now!!! Does she intimidate you so bad that the only way you can try to break her spirit is to hit her... it's amazing how her 5'7" frame towers over your 6'7" one... for a so-called intelligent adult... you are acting like the ignorant toddler that you truly are. Soon Dear Father Soon... Retribution shall come. YOU SHALL NEVER BREAK OUR SPIRITS!!!


Journal Day five 01/05/04


Rabbit Rabbit! :) Today is my little brother's birthday. He has survived me for 7 years... I shall fix that soon enough... The little demon dies soon!! *evil laughter* *cough cough* I'm mad at him though... he made me have to stay home today.. I was supposed to spend the day with Hunnybunz today then go to Zigwa with him but my asinine father made me stay home an babysit.. of course as soon as he left I buss out... and Met hunnybunz anyway... then on my way to Zigwa something screwy happened... Suddenly, my father has a problem with me going out and travelling home late at night. Which is understandable... but was it necessary to curse like a sailor while talking to me on my cell phone.. And since when to you care Kind Sir, about me and my whereabouts .. was it not you who said that I am a big woman and I need not answer to you because I am apparently too big for my britches? Why do you suddenly care? You don't give a rat's ass about me.. so where is this sudden proclamation of fatherly love coming from? And so conveniently too.... Where is this suddenly coming from when your usual M.O is forcing people into submission. Has no one told you father? You earn respect, you instill fear. And frankly I don't respect you just as you don't respect me. I barely even like you... L. hunny... thanx for being there when I needed you the most... I appreciate that more than I can say... thank you. E>H>U.


Journal Day four 30/04/04


Day three of work... LAWD i wanted to die almost all day, quite understandably so considering the golfball sized lump I got on my head mere hours before I go to make a good impression on my third day of work.. I look like friggin Quasimodo!! *sigh* the amount of things I did to make the swelling on that thing go down.. I used like 3 trays of ice... and tons and tons of hotwater when i realised the ice wasn't working... the thing refused to move. PRESSHA is a gross understatement. Anyway, it's a good thing I'm not vain lol. Oh well, I'll make a better impression next week. I stil can't believe i'm working goodbye bum status, goodbye late night insomniac hours I shall miss you dearly. *sigh* I miss Hunnybunz :( he doesn't care if I do look like Quasimodo lol. Ps.... I added a Tagboard scroll down until you get to it and post in it to your
heart's pleasure. Bye


Journal Day three 29/04/04


Well yes, the second day done.. and I am surprisingly not
tired... It's not too bad... considering I finished all my work like an hour before the day was out... *sigh* where's the challenge... anyway, after work I was chillin' with Hunnybunz *muahaha* and my gyul Devil ( she spoil me... THANKS FOR THE SNICKERS AND THE STICKERS AND THE OTHER STUFFSES I FEEL SO SPECIAL)hehe Hunnybunz going to get jealous :P Iz a love!! Anywho... It was a great day all in all... And yes my dear it does feel right... very right. :) I gone.


Journal Day two 28/04/04


So... I had my interview today... it worked out so well that i started immediately after... and it just hit me that this is my first real job... One small step for Khrissy, One giant step for getting out of my parents house. YES!!! I don't think I can stand living there too much longer.. My father is becoming .... well is constantly unbearable. He rants and raves over nothing in particular.. I honestly think that he is taking out his frustrations on me... UNACCEPTABLE!!!!! Anyway... someday revenge shall be mine.. he wil be old, gray and helpless soon enough... Plucking out your gray hairs won't work forever Daddy!! *evil laughter* you could always try going bald lol. Anyway, I guess this is the end of my insomniac days.. I can't afford to go to bed later than ten now... Dear god... isn't that ironic... growing up but can't stay up *rolls eyes* Anyway...... until tomorrow... my official full first day of work... Wish me luck!!


Journal Day one 27/04/04


Today was a great day... i spent most of it with the one I care for the most.. well other than my parents and my best friends ... but he's a close second. :P
About me
Name: Khrissy
Age: 19
Location :Trinidad
Likes: Poetry, anime, Linkin Park
Dislikes: Hypocrisy, Bigotry and all the "ism's" and Skisms

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